i don't know if this will make any sense or not, or if it's valid or what, but it's about one of the possible differences between men and women. yes, i'm generalizing, and perhaps i'm being an idiot. maybe it's just about a difference between me and most men.
there are some men who are very insecure about themselves, and feel that they don't deserve the women they are attracted to. maybe they aren't 'successful' in life, maybe there is something about their looks or situation that makes them feel undeserving.. however, they still seem to want, or feel very attracted to the conventionally attractive (culturally ideal or whatever) females that they feel they don't deserve.. they can't seem to help wanting these women. whereas i do not feel any attraction whatsoever to culturally ideal males - regarding success, looks, etc, and these things actually turn me off, when they have any effect at all. my feeling of not 'deserving' goes so deep that i don't seem to think i deserve love from *any* man, and that if i get the love of a man, i am aware that no matter who he is, there's no way the love will last, because there isn't anything in me to base it on. of course this is a simplification.
i have found myself to be intensely attracted to males who had no jobs and no prospects in life, and who weren't the typical aggressive type male in any way.. but i haven't found any men who seem to have some kind of corresponding attitude. i think it's possible that when a man feels bad about himself, he probably has no conception about what it's like to feel undeserving in the way a woman does. i think it's possible to confuse guilt and shame about not deeply desiring the women you feel you 'deserve' and can acquire - with feeling specifically undeserving, but it doesn't mean that you actually feel as undeserving as a woman does. i don't know.. i think women absorb and and compensate for so much, and it's like they don't even focus on 'imperfections' at all.. it's like men don't realize that many women's thoughts are trained very early to be kind in every possible way, to see what's good, to find original ways of looking at things, to see the imperfect as perfect in its own way, and that this probably helps men to feel better about themselves, whereas men compare and criticize in such cold ways, even if only in their thoughts, and women still try to find ways of understanding, seeing this as necessary in some way.
[added 24/12/04: i think the above is pretty braindead, i don't think i made any kind of clear argument whatsoever. i'm leaving it as is, but i feel uncomfortable with it. at the time, i think it was an expression of frustration. i wanted to feel wanted, and i was seeing that that possibility didn't seem open to me. maybe in mild ways, for very short periods, but never enough that it was at a level where i'd feel wanted enough to actually have sex with a person. not that i didn't want sex, or didn't want it with certain individuals - i usually was very attracted, in a way i didn't think they were - but i didn't *really* want sex if that level of attraction that i felt couldn't be reciprocated.
even in having interactions with suicidal men, it seemed to me that it was not possible for me to be extremely desirable to them. they seemed to like the things all men like, they seemed to be attracted to the same things all men like, aside from relatively minor details. and even when it came to suicidal women, these suicidal men still seemed to be attracted those who seemed to have the most power in life, or the most skills or the most prospects in life, (at least who had more power/skills/prospects than me) and those who were most physically attractive. i always ended up feeling like a housefrau, or like my only possible role was to be a nice safe person in everyone's life.
and i'm still not managing to explain any of this well. i think part of the issue was that i think i was more drawn to men who weren't conventionally attractive or successful with the underlying hope that maybe they had experienced things that would help us to relate to each other. and i think i experience attraction when there's a possibility of relating, or connecting closely (but men don't seem to react this way?). i think that my attractions also possibly signified something on a fundamental level: that i really was trying to find someone who wanted to let go of life. so in a way it makes sense that i'd encounter men who were still attracted to the usual things in life: because they still fundamentally wanted to live. with a beautiful enough woman, or one bright with possibilties, there's a better chance in life. but i on the other hand actually seemed to be more attracted to the things that led away from life. i don't know at all if i've explained better yet.
i just wanted to feel it was possible that someone might experience obsessive feelings for me the way i develop those kinds of feelings for others. and all my experience taught me that it just wasn't possible. that i'm just not attractive or interesting enough. so while i could feel intense 'love' and lust at the same time, the others i meet seem to 'love' me more than be attracted to me, and they separate the two, so that lust is projected elsewhere. i mean, most relationships have an initial period of sexual attraction, but when it comes to me it's always lukewarm.
and now, i'm just tired. i don't feel attractive, or interesting. sex is just a biological function, it's like needing to eat. if i need sex, i can masturbate, but i'd actually prefer to repress masturbation and have sexual dreams. i can't seem to reconcile myself to my role in life - it seems that my best shot would have been to accept that i am a 'nice' person, the kind of person men need to help them feel safe or good about themselves in some way, while they daydream about who they'd rather have sex with - and maybe i'd actually be helping to make those daydreams possible in a way, by offering that support. if i help a man to feel a bit better about himself, maybe he will actually feel confident enough to daydream more about those he'd rather have. i'm not currently obsessed, and maybe it's not even possible any more, because i finally understand it's not ever going to be reciprocated. it's like if that's the deal, i'm a spoiled sport, and just don't want to play. just leave me alone.
i have stuff to do. i don't enjoy doing it. i don't know why i'm doing it, except as time-filler because i can't kill myself. i think something internal sort of drives me to continue, but i don't know what the fuck for. and i continue to get ideas for further things to do, and sometimes the pressure of it all no most of the time the pressure of it all is just unbearable and i don't know how i contain myself within my skin it's all just pushing from every angle and i can't figure out how to get enough out, it's just so slow. but i used to think i wanted to figure out how to express who i was so that there would be a better possibility that someone i'd connect with could find me. and now it's not really that, i can see who i am better now and i don't want to be me. it's just that i don't seem able to kill myself. if someone approached me, i'd probably be way too cynical or mistrustful for anything to go anywhere. but i wouldn't feel i was being cynical. i'd just think of myself as realistic.
when i said there is nothing in me for 'love' to be based on, what i mean is pertaining to the biological sense, the things people are attracted to. if i don't accept my role as the sort of supportive non- sexually interesting, non-threatening or non-challenging female, i have nothing to offer. and maybe i shouldn't say that offering support is nothing. but it's all about patterns, filling the patterns in life. and i think that somehow i had been hoping that someone saw outside the patterns the way i did, that they were outside of the patterns in similar ways, and that this person would recognize this in me and actually find *that* attractive, necessary, etc.
i've been guilty of being attracted to people who were still inside certain patterns, but that's where the problem was, that's what i wanted to get away from, that's part of why no one was 'right' for me. it seemed like even when unconsciously i shifted more and more from conventional 'success' and appearance in order maybe to help me find what i was looking for, i still came up with the same patterns in those i encountered. and now, i just don't know where to look. everything seems to have been a dead end, and it looks like what i was looking for doesn't exist for me. and when i'm talking about patterns, i think i'm being too vague. we all have various addictions and patterns of behaviour, and i know that males are more biologically predisposed toward certain patterns than females, and that certain life conditions might cause these patterns to be intensified. i know that some men want to break their patterns or feel bad about them, but i think what i'm trying to say relates to something different.
now i feel more idiotic than i did when i started out. it's like i know i should try harder to explain what i mean, because if i don't put in the effort . if i don't put in the effort. what. who the fuck cares. i'm just so fucking tired.
yes, i'm aware of my own patterns, but i think they actually do change, mutate in subtle ways. it just seems like i shouldn't bother trying to argue at all because i haven't got a leg to stand on. what i mean is, why aren't i dead? when i talk about patterns, i know that's the only way out of mine. i think i'm being objective about it. i could see myself going on for years and years with one creative project or another, if i find ways to be supported financially (and being able to find that sort of situation seems part of my pattern - although maybe it won't always be). i have a million ideas for things. but i guess it's always been this way, in one way or another, and i think i used to destroy everything in part because i saw it as the only way out of the pattern. i constantly want to die. i'm in an incredible amount of discomfort and having to live in this state is not a humane solution. the longing for someone else to understand: i see that as just part of my pattern, and in part it's just one of the pathetic parts that goes along with feeling like i am living in a state of constant torture - a wish for release that takes the form it does because of my early influences. i see myself as potentially capable of experiencing something that i'm biologically, genetically, experiencially, etc predispositioned to enjoy, but it's all window- dressing.
i'd been thinking that maybe i have a cyberstalker. but i do have a tendency toward wishful thinking. i think i have liked the idea of having a stalker because it represented to me the idea that someone would find me interesting, and that they'd approach it all in an excessive or 'unhealthy' kind of way. or just a different way, not like everybody else. i realized i wanted it to be true, and so i tried to force myself to be objective about it. i saw that i was probably projecting my wishful thinking into seeing things that were just coincidences, or that had some other explanation i wasn't able to see because enough info wasn't available to me.
there is someone i've interacted with in the past who seems to have a pattern of being drawn to me every once in a while. it's usually short-lived, and if i express interest, i find pretty quickly that his interest seems to wane. i think the main thing is that his attentions are really spread out, that he's interested in a lot of different things about females. i want to stand out to someone (not just as the current face in the rotation - i think he sort of pingpongs back and forth or all over the place within his personal rotation and occasionally adds new people), and i want to connect with someone, feel close, and those things aren't possible for me with him. and i guess i was afraid he was sort of stalking me, because i didn't want it to be him. i didn't think of him 'stalking' me in a pressuring or obvious way, but just in a way to say that he didn't want to mess with me, but he was sort of interested in what's going on with me and wants contact and knows i don't want him to write and so i haven't given him much choice about what to do. that he's still the same, that he still feels confused, doesn't know who he is or what he wants, except that he wants things sort of casual, with no expectations, etc. and maybe something like he wants to try to talk about certain things, that he feels ready and thinks that maybe i'd be a good person to try talking to about them.
and i'm just not a casual person, and i know i need more in-depth or extravagant communication than he can offer. and i guess i've been hoping that he's not stalking me, because i sort of wanted to think that maybe it could be someone else, the idea of that seems to make life seem a little more interesting. so maybe i still hope for something regarding human interaction. if it is him... i'm sorry. i don't want the patterns that we create or fall into together. i don't feel confused or conflicted about that any more.
but if i did have a stalker, writing all of this would probably make the person feel pressured, and i guess that's something i do - i have no sense of timing and maybe i rush everything. and if a person is not writing to me directly, i'm guessing there's a reason and it seems to make sense that if i write this it could send a person into hiding, feeling scared that i'm too pushy, confrontational.
but i feel pressure, too. i feel like i'm being watched, and i feel insecure. and it's like rather than have to exist in this state, i'd rather do something to try to make it stop. i'd rather do or say things to seriously turn a person off. because it's like my life is so pathetic that the thought of having a 'stalker' is something i become fixated on, it becomes a source of hope, and it seems strange not to mention it anywhere and it's like i don't want to allow myself to become irrationally hopeful. i'm trying to break a pattern, in a sense. i guess i'm writing so that i feel less helpless about it, the fact that i'm just waiting for more 'messages'.
i realize it's probably all in my head. i haven't given any specifics, because if a person is stalking me, in the way i've been wondering about, i think that person will know what i'm talking about. if i'm not being stalked, writing all of this just makes me look foolish, paranoid, delusional, etc, but so what? i think i feel less powerless in writing this out.
ok, let's think about this a bit. if it's the person i wrote about above, it seems unlikely to me that he'd go to certain lengths, and that he's more likely to just be interested every once in a while and then disappear off into the woodwork again for indeterminate amounts of time. but if he read this entry, i think it would scare him off. he'd again see that i'm not relaxed enough, and he'd probably realize i'm not open to what he's unconsciously seeking with me. i guess that he'd back off.
if it's someone else i've had contact with before, i guess there's some reason the person feels they cannot have direct contact with me. possibly related to not knowing how i'd react, especially if our contact ended with me saying it's best not for us to have contact. the least likely possibility to me is that someone actually has some kind of plan relating to giving me messages and i realize that me writing this might throw a bit of a wrench in the plan, but because i find myself hoping something along those lines, i guess i want to stop it, put this out there where i can see how ridiculous it looks.
is it someone who finds me hypocritical and wants to see me punished for my hypocrisy? or someone angry about something i've said or done? i guess life can always get worse, but mine's pretty horrible for me, personally. i guess that may not seem enough, or if i come across as phony, i guess i might not be believed, or whatever.
if you are stalking me, how long do you see it going on? what do
you wait for in life? anyway. i feel sad, lonely, depressed. and i start
to think that with this opportunity, i should try harder to express
my thoughts, i should try to be more charming or something, you know,
an opportunity like this doesn't come by all that often for me. you
know, i could play along, send messages back and forth maybe. but i'm
tired. if there's anyone who feels there's something they need to talk
about with me or resolve or punish me for, i'd appreciate an email:
with much affection. xoxoxoxo]
26/12/04: maybe it will take a very long time for me to figure out how to articulate what i need to about this whole issue. i've been going through things, and think there are various issues i need to try to sort out. i mean, moving on from the idea of a stalker, back to the original topic. what men and women 'deserve' is a ridiculous topic title, and i think what i was trying to articulate can't really be summed up like that.
i don't think there's any way to make everything 'equal' or neat between the sexes, and i think it's unfair to say that either has it worse. there may be imbalances in certain areas, but as attention is drawn to those, i think eventually things start to shift such that you see further imbalances, maybe in other directions, and i guess it all becomes quite difficult, trying to project, figure out where it's all going to go, what you will understand or focus on next.
i need to clear up that i have actually been attracted to people who were conventionally attractive or had jobs, but in the last 8 years of my life i think it's only been when the people involved had serious issues of some kind, or were extremely alienated from society in some way. when communicating, we can muddle things. when you're attracted to a person, when describing it to another, or to the person in question, you can fall into a kind of trap related to your own insecurities and unquestioned mental patterns.
i can notice a person is 'attractive', and try not to be prejudiced against the person, and maybe in a way i might 'compensate' for worrying about being prejudiced. or, i may question my idea that only someone who knew what it was like to be as ugly as me could understand me. and i could question whether i was repressing a natural attraction to beautiful things for whatever reason, to protect myself from getting hurt, or whatever. i could even question whether this had something to do with me no longer feeling much sexual interest in anything - i was trying to focus mentally when it came to sexual attraction to the extent that i could no longer force it and so i no longer felt sexually attracted to anyone? so, i'm no different from anyone else, i just repress things?
and i look at the interactions i've had in the last 8 years of my life, and i do see that there was a trend toward men who were very intelligent, who stood out because of their intelligence.
and i don't know how to put it all into words. i was seeking something i didn't find. i don't think i actually feel disappointed in the interactions i've had. i feel lucky to have had the interactions i've had, and i think they've made me feel more 'special' in a way.
i don't blame anyone for not 'making' me feel attractive enough. i think i accept that i'm seeking something unusual and that not everyone is going to be seeking what i'm seeking. and i think that part of what i'm seeking is someone who is seeking what i'm seeking? and so i see what's interesting in those i encounter, and i see that they're seeking, too. and maybe all my going on about stuff is just related to a malfunction in my brain, that causes me to lose focus. my brain is a mess, and can go off on tangents and get lost and miss the point. not that there is a point, exactly.
i think that the relationships i've had, and the things i've done here on this website, and in my life in recent years have helped me to see who i am better. i don't regret any of it. if i could go back to some early part of my life to start over i wouldn't do it. it's difficult to figure out how to say that my life has all these years felt like a torture, and that i still want to die, that that doesn't go away, but i think that since i found the newsgroup ash my life has opened up, has been interesting to me. my ideas about life and the world and whatever lead me to think that it would have been ok with me if i had died long ago, and not experienced what i have in recent years, but looking at my life all told, i think the most interesting parts have been in the more recent years, since i found ash. even more painful, more uncomfortable, but more interesting.
it's like my whole life has been some kind of struggle toward understanding something about myself, or to seeing who i was. when i was younger, when i was in school, i stood out academically, but at that time i was so full of fear, and i wasn't able to question things or stand up to things enough. and it's like i can say i felt stress, i can say my family life wasn't beneficial for me, but maybe the underlying issue was that who i was underneath all the societal conditioning was someone who didn't want to be the good girl that i was. it was all so buried under layer upon layer that when i 'broke down', other things were always the focus, my weakness, my lacks, rather than me questioning whether life as i saw it around me was what i wanted for myself, whether it represented who i wanted to be. i was so snowed under with all the outside influences that in so many ways i couldn't think for myself. and i still question how much i actually can think for myself now.
and it's like today, i feel excruciatingly ashamed to have gone on about how no one ever desires me in a sexual way, because it just seems like a way of shifting focus that i don't like and don't even think i accept, and it may not even have been true. i think it's ok for people to rant, to not try to block their thoughts and feelings. it's just that after ranting, it's like i need to try to be accountable for what i've said.
maybe some people have felt very attracted to me, and i haven't recognized it. communication is as i always say tricky. or maybe after things die down i've somehow come to some conclusion in my mind that it was never intense, even for short periods. i just want to apologize to anyone who thinks i've been ranting unfairly. my communication sucks. i think what happened is that i was feeling fear. i'm getting older, i'm out of the loop, and it seems unlikely i'll ever have a chance again, and maybe i'm mourning that i won't ever get to experience being an object of obsession again. i need to point out that probably my thinking process is something like this: 'since i'm not dead yet, well, no one i've ever known has ever wanted me all that much.' ok, i really do sort of have to laugh at that. but it's actually probably why i feel as i do. and another thing: i suspect that i don't even *want* anyone to be intensely attracted to me unless i can get to some stage where i can say i've done as much as i think i can with my appearance. i think part of me maybe hoped that someone could find me attractive even as i was, or that they could see some kind of potential in me, but this might be one of those irreconcilable issues for me that makes me a horror to others. probably i need to do something about myself, for myself, before i will feel sexual enough to cultivate a sexual obsession, to feed it.
it's ok with me if no one likes me or if no one ever feels the way i've wanted someone to feel about me, although i would like for someone to like me and want me. i think it's more important that i come to see who i am, for myself, however alone i feel. and if i don't die, maybe i'll make adjustments as i go along, maybe i'll continue to question who i am and why and maybe the ways i see things will change. maybe i'm in a long, drawn out process of letting go of certain ideas. i don't know. i realize that i still sort of wait for life to push me this way or that. there's so much time that is unendurable. i do have ideas for things to work on, since i'm not killing myself, but it's difficult to actually sit still or do whatever it takes to work on them. i feel so broken still and i don't really see a reason to do anything and it eventually just becomes a case of doing the least uncomfortable thing in the moment, even when all of it is so uncomfortable.