too worn out and resigned to be feeling very sexual now. and in dreams all i got was sexual rejection and people embarrassed to be associated with me in any way. that's all i seem to remember anyway.
something i'm not sure if i've made clear about myself.. no matter how bad i'm feeling about myself, i don't want the kind of 'kindness' whereby someone tells me what they think i want to hear in order to make me feel better, or in order to hold on to a relationship with me, rather than because it's what they really think or feel. it may sound odd, but even when i'm at my lowest, if i can see that someone is making an effort to tell me something that is difficult to tell me, something that might actually hurt me, in some weird way it might actually make me feel better, and feel closer to that person. i don't want relationships to be based on false pretenses. i'd rather be completely alone. maybe that's where things are heading.
i'm never quite sure if i've finally pushed gk too far with my anger, with my neverending droning on, with being beyond 'help', with my self- absorption and my seeming to take his feelings and efforts for granted. always i find myself ready to accept that my behaviour or who i am is unacceptable. often when i write diary entries, i am thinking that this is finally it, he will see me for what i am, and he will want no more of it. but he always seems to say that it's nothing he hasn't heard from me before, and if anything the only problem is that sometimes it's all a bit difficult to concentrate on because he's so familiar with it. in other words, rather than being hurtful, insensitive or offensive, mostly i am merely boring. hehe. i wonder if that sort of sums up my life?