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i think i'm actively working on my new site now. lots of little extra things might end up here in my diary or different parts of my old site as i try various effects out. i have more new photos, different types, and will try to take more soon. i wonder if all this yapping about my new site will make people expect too much, and i feel somewhat self-conscious when i think about that. i have no idea how it will all turn out, and maybe it will just be like some kind of continuation of the old site. maybe it will be less interesting. i just don't know.
over the last year, i've become used to putting all sorts of things on my site without needing feedback. i'm not sure how to explain, sometimes i do get feedback, and i like that, but it's like i'm able to find something just in putting something up, expressing whatever i seem to need to at the time. it's not like i'll ever outgrow the feeling that the next thing i do will cause me to lose the affection, love, liking, whatever positive feelings anyone might have for me, but it's like now i think i accept that it's too hard to try to change who i am and so i just let out what i can, although i don't feel i have control anyway, and i just try not to judge myself too much, i just go with it, knowing that at any time it might all stop anyway. if i don't think i can deal with *whatever* anyone's reactions are, i just won't put something up. that's my attitude about my new site as well.
my visa stuff is now mailed and i just have to wait and see if it is approved. i have conflicted feelings about this, and it still seems a possibility to me that i could deny the visa even if i'm accepted. i made it to gk's sister's wedding, and although i was asked difficult questions and it was extremely awkward for me, i didn't freak out. part of what helped was that i was juggling 3 cameras, and was busy taking a lot of photos, and think i probably managed to avoid being in many photos myself. i didn't 'pose' for any, and am pretty sure i'm only a part of the crowd in the photos i'm in, and i was probably mostly photographed while i was photographing others.
gk's mother had to attend the ceremony in a wheelchair, and he and i were the ones who picked her up, stayed with her throughout the ceremony, break, and reception, and brought her back to the hospital afterwards. it was surprising that she was able to cope so well without feeling so tired she needed to return to the hospital, but it did seem extremely important to her that she attend the wedding. since she broke her ankle, there have been a few other complications, some painful ones, but she seemed determined to go through with things anyway. her radiotherapy is over, and while her hair is starting to fall out, it still looks fairly normal now, or did when last we saw her, but she has stocked up on hats because it is cold there and hair loss is inevitable. she hasn't seemed to suffer too many ill-effects from the therapy. no nausea. she says her sense of taste is coming back, and it appears possible that she has regained at least a little more control over the weak/somewhat paralyzed side of her body.
while we were in town, there were a couple of mishaps.. for instance we lost one of the dogs for a brief interval at one point during our stay, but before long she turned up at home again. it seemed that one of the neighbours put her into the (fenced) yard while we were out looking for her.
so there we have a few details about what's been happening, but i haven't said all that much, not about what's really going on with me, and maybe i'm actually avoiding that. i need a little time to process the experiences, figure out how to articulate what i've been thinking and feeling.
i've seen things on different monitors recently, and have noticed differences between how things look on this monitor and on others, and i wonder if this font/colour combination is actually readable for many people. i'll try to sort that kind of thing out at some point.