13/09/02
not really sure how to say this, and i feel like it's an incredible effort to sit up and type, let alone try to articulate anything clearly.. but there's something that's been nagging at me.. it's about the interactions i've had with people in my lifetime.. it's related to how i internalize things to the extent that i forget i haven't explained certain things to certain people. there are some big things i take for granted, and some little things i make effort to write down or express.. it doesn't even really make sense. when i see how little i've actually explained in words, i often feel extremely down.
what i want to offer is a kind of apology.. an apology to those i've hurt, treated unkindly, insensitively or unfairly, and to those whose kindness i've been unable to respond to.
also, some of my thoughtless or poorly articulated comments may have led some to think that i haven't valued the communication i've had with them. i have valued their efforts and what they've shared, and i'm sorry that my state of exhaustion, distress, emptiness makes it too difficult to do anything but run away, or communicate my discomfort in ways that make it sound like i don't understand how my actions make it difficult for them to show they care or have some interest in me.
i'm nervous that some people will be afraid they've hurt me in some way, when all they've done is try to be kind to me or to try to get to know me.
when it comes to those who actually have hurt me.. i'm not holding on to resentments. i feel i understand at least some of the reasons they've acted as they have, and in most cases, i don't think those involved wanted to hurt me. of those who have wanted to hurt me, i can think of reasons for that, and i feel a kind of acceptance about it, and find it kind of interesting and understandable in various ways. this is not to say that i don't have times where i'm sick of trying to be understanding, when i feel bitter and would probably lash out if i had the energy or could figure out where it should be directed..
but inevitably it feels better to me to let go of 'negative' feelings. it's like a reflex process. my mind starts going through everything that makes me feel uncomfortable, angry, whatever.. seeing my side and the other person's side, and factoring in all i've picked up about people and life during my life, and i end up feeling that reactions on both parts make sense, instead of just thinking it, and i see that it may not be possible to reconcile our incompatible viewpoints, needs, wants, or inharmonious ways of communicating. and so, from a distance, i find it easier to hold on to a feeling of peace.
i don't have the energy to think of a way of expressing this that would feel adequate to me, so this is the best i can do:
i wish you all peace, happiness, and/or whatever you most want.
it occurs to me that some of what i've written lately could be interpreted as me hinting that i'm planning to kill myself soon. however, i do not have plans to kill myself in the immediate future.