16/07/02
it sucks so much when you know that there is just no way that someone can understand your point of view. it may be that you can't communicate clearly enough, it may be that you are too emotional to focus on the details that would make it clear, it may be that the person is focused in such a way or values in such a way that makes it impossible, but you feel your experience is valid. you want to see the other person's side, and you're unable to think of their viewpoint as invalid, and it all just makes you feel so confused. there are so many little parts to a situation that it could take years to discuss them all. usually, when i'm in a situation like that, i do what i can to tie things up gracefully, and get out of it. and i usually try to think that both parties are 'right', in a way. and i leave it at that.
at times bulimia may have something to do with knowing that i can't control the thoughts and feelings of others. there are so many factors involved, but i think this is an important one. i hate it when my perceptions are dismissed as ridiculous. right now, i'm feeling the urge to gorge and vomit. i'm writing instead. i wrote about not caring enough to tie up loose ends, but after i wrote that, i got a response that angered me. i still felt so misunderstood. i had been trying to just let go, and it was like i just couldn't let go of the fact that i needed a certain something to be acknowledged. i wanted understanding, even though i knew it was a futile want, and i acted very immaturely. i think i allowed myself to act immaturely because i knew it was a futile want. so much frustration has built up through this relationship. it looks like i'm not yet as detached as i would like to be.
it's true that my main focus is on trying to find one person, but i'm not so inflexible that i'm incapable of appreciating other unusual relationships at times. i mean, i know i think i want to kill myself, but i've felt that way for a long time, so maybe i'm not completely in touch with what's going on unconsciously, and so from time to time i just go with whatever life throws my way. after it was verbalized that we'd never be a couple, there was one platonic relationship i was able to maintain for about a year. the relationship had value to me. i think that that relationship was able to continue for the amount of time it did because we were able to discuss things openly, and because i felt that he was being fair to me. when the relationship ended, it was because i didn't have enough left to discuss. i was just too empty, and wanted to continue my search for someone just as empty. that relationship had lasted so much longer than most of my relationships do. at times i wondered if something like that might have been possible with this more recent relationship, although i will admit that i would have preferred something less platonic. i think i was.. open, though. i just needed enough information to work with, to know what direction to move things in, if we could first resolve the issues that had caused me to feel hurt. that's probably unrealistic, but if communication had been better, it *may* have been possible.
i know that recently i've been very mean, incoherent at times, and immature, and that that definitely doesn't help my case. 'if she acts like this, then surely she can't be capable of having a point. she must just be an irrational person.'
when i knew there was no way i could control the thoughts and emotions of either myself or the other person in this recent relationship, i took control the only way i could. i have done this before in intense relationships: i have said that the best thing for me would be no more contact at all. that way, my frustration regarding unsolvable issues will not be turned against the other person. i will let things go, realizing there is no other way to resolve things. knowing my personality, i make the best decision i can for myself. and then if someone goes against that, it can feel to me like i'm being baited, or that the old issues are being rubbed in my face. or that i'm as misunderstood as i think i am. it can be difficult to resist. i can try to be patient, but i may lose control and behave badly. i can't blame that on the other person, because the other person may have a need to resolve things in his own way, and i don't want to say that he isn't allowed to do what will help him. it's just that it's all so frustrating, and i don't think i have a lot of self-control.
is it ok to be a bitch, and then leave things at that? yes, i think it is. if you don't have positive feelings for a person, and if there really is no way to resolve things, i don't see any reason why you should pretend that everything has been neatly and nicely resolved. i will admit, though, that i find it difficult to live with myself after behaving in a nasty way.
i just want all of this to stop. i don't want to try to explain, i don't want to think about it any more, i just want to move past it.