16/07/02 - lost emails
for some time i've been transferring emails from my regular web- based email accounts to secret email accounts. (i've never had a non- web-based email address of my own.) it's a weird privacy issue thing, and in addition it's about not wanting to hold onto physical possessions. i've never had a computer that actually belonged to me. i wanted to be able to access my emails from anywhere in the world. i don't want to hold onto disks, or anything else, so i store my emails in these secret hotmail accounts. the process of transferring the emails is quite painstaking, and i wouldn't do it if the emails didn't mean *something* to me.
i deleted probably well over 5mb of emails from my first email relationship (i asked the person i had corresponded with to delete our emails as well), in part because i was so embarrassed about the idea of keeping evidence of all of my disorganized, imperfect thoughts.. but if anything, that was probably my email relationship with the most range.. i eventually experienced feelings of loss, and as a result, i've taken pains to save a lot of what came after. at times i've gone through periods of deleting emails, but often i've saved a lot.
i've put so many hours into emails, so much thought, so much of myself. at times it may not have been evident.. sometimes even very simple emails took a lot of effort.
hotmail has been making more and more regulations. now you have to check in every 30 days, or you lose the contents of your account. a couple of weeks ago, i found out that i had lost the contents of the 3 hotmail accounts i was using for storage purposes. i guess i remembered the wrong date, and when i went to sign in, i found that i had to re-activate my accounts, and that everything in them was gone.
i've destroyed a lot of my own writing over the years. i'm sure i just write very similar things over and over again, and it's not really a great loss to have lost *my* words.. it's just.. when i'm writing to other people, there can be something in their unique personalities that brings out some unique part of myself, or that inspires me to express things that i wasn't even completely aware were there. and there's something in the interaction itself that is unique.
i guess emails are the main proof i have of what i've been doing over the last years.
gk has kept all of our emails.. but this seems to distress me, knowing i have lost the others. it's like, without all of the others, without more of the whole picture, i don't want anything saved. i have a few mb of emails saved in one email account, but they're not enough, either, and i'm thinking that maybe i'll delete them.. i feel this compulsion. i know there's no way gk would delete our emails, or let me do it, though.
i don't know what i feel about it. i've lost all that effort. all those moments shared with others. what did all that effort mean, anyway? i'm so fucking boring. tiresome. and in the end, i irritate the hell out of everyone. i don't know, i feel that i can't do anything but acquiesce, accept.. ok, i lost the emails. it's futile to try to hold onto anything anyway. there is nothing solid, nothing real. it's all fleeting. isn't that what my reluctance to hold onto possessions in the first place is about? don't form attachments. be ready to let it all go in an instant.
why did i forget the right date to check in? that's not like me. did i have a subconscious wish to lose those emails? at times i know i debated about saving them in the first place, and then i'd go through with the horrible process anyway.. why? at times i had a very strong urge to delete them all, when i felt particularly alienated from everyone and everything, but i'd always restrain myself. it even crossed my mind to just not bother to sign in at the specified intervals to keep the accounts open, but when i found out that i had lost the emails, i did feel somewhat shocked, there was a sinking feeling.
i guess i could ask some of the people i corresponded with to send me our emails, if they've got any of them saved, but i don't really want to do that, and with a lot of people, there was just fleeting contact. maybe i never would have reread those emails again. i *had* reread some of them a couple of months ago, but that was for a special reason, and i don't know if i ever would have again. i don't think i really want the emails back, anyway.
i don't know what else to do except accept that it's all gone, and that it's not coming back. that's what death is, right? forget, as you will be forgotten.
05/01/05: i no longer have any emails. i've deleted everything. there are a few relatively recent things i have, not on a deeply personal level (except for the copy of the email i recently sent that bounced back), but i'll probably do what i usually do and just hold onto them for a while in case i need to refer back to them for any reason.
i'm sorry if i've made anyone feel devalued. the emails, the contact meant a lot to me. i haven't forgotten. the details, they're all important, and maybe i've forgotten some of the details, but the way my memory systems work, it doesn't take much to trigger chains of recall, and they could come flooding back at any time, and some do, often at odd or unexpected moments. the significance of what others have shared isn't lost. and i've actually seen once that i was able to remember more without emails than someone else i knew could find even having access to all our emails. that's an important part of what is represented to me by not holding on to possessions: there is something that stays with me, no matter what. over time, all of the stored memories are still affecting me, and at times i have moments in which i can count the ways or see the results after a period of germination.
i've made comments that i regret or feel embarrassed about. there's a lot that i wish i could erase, and there's so much about myself i don't like. i did at times devalue certain people, i think, with certain comments, or with thoughtlessness. it may have been related to a feeling of hurt or insecurity, but i don't ever want to do anything like that again.
and sometimes, just trying out new ways of expressing things... i was awkward and embarrassing.
and as for saying things like one email relationship had the most range... i think that in itself devalues the others. i think elaboration is necessary. that relationship holds up for me over time, though, as do others.
as time goes on, what is the result of processing the past experiences and memories, and where does it lead next. what do i feel now. i come back here again and again, like i'm hanging out in the seedy part of town. maybe looking for clues.