17/05/03 - later
unexpected news, gk's mother is ill. and on the phone, the horror of not knowing what to say, not being able to control my voice, intonation, etc. hearing recordings of my voice has often made me feel this intense self-hatred, a wish to die immediately. but i think that sometimes, when i'm not as nervous, it might not be quite so bad. it's like i can feel the times when it's at least less bad. tonight was not one of those times. it was ghastly, and i did a grossly inadequate job of expressing sympathy or anything coherent whatsoever. i feel this burning shame, this wish to die and rid the world of myself immediately. i don't know how to shake it off. i just feel like such a useless and repulsive thing. i feel that i make everyone feel bad or uneasy at the very least.
i'm trying to listen to music. loud, hoping it can pierce through the wall of shame. if i could offer to be sick instead, if i could offer to die, if the world worked that way, how simple this all would be. instead, i'm so awkward, and don't know what to do. impotently wondering how she feels. and the fear. remembering past occasions, when i just *couldn't* leave the house for certain circumstances that required it. last year, when gk cut his finger open and needed stitches, and i panicked, because i couldn't deal with going to the hospital at the time, i just *couldn't*, and i don't know how to predict that for sure, and i just seem to freeze, and can't do it, and the self-hatred is overwhelming, and the fear that love will be withdrawn. the panic. and rage. feeling of impotence. and knowing my panic is not the issue here, it's what gk's mother is going through, and hating myself even more for even allowing myself to have these petty fears for myself. but i think if we are called on to go there, i can probably manage it, this time. gk is working now, is under a lot of stress, but i think i can be a support, i think i can hold myself together well enough for that, this time.