(i have never worn these sunglasses in public.)
i have gone to the grocery store twice on my own in the time i've lived by myself. at night.
i saw a documentary on tv recently that was about a social problem in japan - about 1 out of every 10 young people, usually young men, lives like a recluse. maybe they are bullied or teased by others, can't keep up to the pace of life, are physically different or odd in some way, or just don't fit in anywhere. they shut themselves in their rooms, and their families just seem to silently accept this and put food outside the door, or something along those lines. and this can go on for years, or indefinitely. it seems related to high japanese standards or expectations relating to school and achievement. the families' lack of interference seems related to a kind of reserve that seems cultural. it also seems related to lack of communication related to psychological or emotional problems or a very high respect for privacy.
it seemed like a lot of the males liked to play video games, that they passed their time that way. to me, that seems far more productive than what i do. seriously. i just sit, trying to endure. lately, i've been watching a lot of tv, but i know from past experience i won't be able to handle it indefinitely, at some point it will become unbearable. even when i'm watching tv, the time goes slowly, and i keep looking at the time, wondering how much longer i can stand it.
i started spending a lot of time in my room as a teenager, and i think eventually it was very much like what i saw in the documentary, in some ways.
i was spending more and more time in my room while living with gk, and i was also becoming more and more physically ill related to my disordered eating, and put him in a difficult situation regarding what to do about me. it is possible that all of this could eventually kill me, but i wouldn't count on being that lucky.
at the end of february, my weight was around 102 lbs for a while. not long after that, i started to gain, and currently i'm about 115. i have no self-confidence, and this time even if i lose weight again, i don't think it will help my self-confidence much. i think i will eventually lose weight again, but i had stockpiled a lot of things, and have been eating to cope with the stresses related to moving.
soon pest control will be coming to my apartment, and i will probably have to go out for a few hours. i am distressed. i have decided to try to use the opportunity to go out and stockpile things that i will need so that i don't have to leave the apartment for months. i know it sounds sad. i think part of what i want is time. time to recover from the stress and trauma of moving and people coming in here. i need to feel safe, i need my stress reduced for a while. so i can listen to my thoughts, and see what emerges next.
i know most people don't understand my degree of difficulty in living. i can't keep foods i like, or things like coffee or alcohol. i can't do anything in moderation. i will just consume everything until it's gone. there are currently a few foods i can eat without eating all at once. i have a cupboard full of boxes of weetbix and longlife milk. i also have instant oatmeal. basically, that's it. those are the only safe foods, the only foods i won't binge on, then vomit. but i have sometimes even binged on weetbix. i do not know how to change this. i have not yet fasted while living in this place. but at some point i may run out of safe foods and feel unable to cope with going outside. and i guess at that point i'll lose weight.
after the pest people have gone, i will need to binge to help me recover. i just want to be left alone, i want my apartment to feel like it belongs to me, not all these other people. but knowing i can't stay here indefinitely, i won't have money indefinitely and it seems impossible to me that i'd ever be able to make money. and i've got to think about what i'm going to do.
i don't want anyone to see me. i feel ashamed of my appearance. i feel hopelessness about being able to interact with anyone. the questions that everyone asks. i have no answers. someone asked (hi c) if now that i was on my own i walked around in my underwear drinking beer and belching. and it's like that is so far from what my life is like, it's coming at things from an angle that just doesn't apply at all. i just don't have much of a life at all. i think people often have trouble believing that. maybe i look too 'normal'. maybe it's in the ways i communicate. but i barely get through days. it all feels like torture. and i had got to the point where i couldn't hold back the misery, and i felt it was something i couldn't continue to inflict on gk.
i don't think most people understand what it's like not to talk to anyone for weeks or months at a time. to know that no one is going to call. and it's not that i don't want human contact. that's never been the case. i badly crave it. but i can't see any way to have it that will fit with who i am. even with writing to anyone, it just feels so stressful, and i can't cope, i'm at the wrong speed, i experience things at the wrong speed or intensity, and i crack. i just want to be released from this. it sounds like i'm emailing people, but that's misleading. i can't handle it, and have run away from it.
i imagine that my website gives the impression that i'm somewhat confident. but in public i'm ashamed of who i am, and i'm ashamed of my appearance. inside, i'm more accepting of myself. i do shower and put on makeup for myself, but when i attempt to go outside, i just feel unacceptable. i can't control my response. and i don't know if i'm still hoping that somehow i can get to a place where i can find a way to cope, to make the most of what i've been given and express myself freely. it seems that here is the only place that i can be even slightly attractive or interesting, occasionally, and so i don't want to go anywhere else.
i'd gladly kill myself if i were offered a suicide pill. or something similar. i don't know what the next months will be like, or what i will do.
i hadn't gone outside in some time, and hadn't had any contact with gk for over a week. when gk called and asked me if i wanted to go out to dinner, i wanted to go. i started trying to figure out what to wear and what to do with my hair. i don't like the way my face looks here, but i wanted to show one thing i tried with my hair. anyway, i spent probably a total of 6 hours trying to find something to wear that i'd feel comfortable in, and to figure out what to do with my hair. and when gk got here, i still wasn't ready, and i didn't wear my hair like this.
it's cold here at night, and restaurants are often still open-air. so i had to find something warm enough to wear. i'm so uncomfortable with my body that i seem to shy away from even attempting to photograph much of it directly.
[03/02/05: no, i'm not flirting with you, i'm just fixing my html.]