23/03/03 - continued
my anxiety was extremely high, i felt ill, and i knew i wasn't going to be able to sleep. full of anger, i thought what the fuck, i can't get comfortable no matter what, so i'll just go. i wore sunglasses and something nondescript, something i don't like very much, something i wear when i feel ugly and don't feel anything can be done about it, but it's comfortable. it was hot outside already, and the sun was bright. there was a lot of traffic, and the streets here aren't exactly pedestrian friendly. i hate crossing the street, (it's necessary several times) because there's often nowhere to cross at all where you actually have a good view of what's coming because of all the hills (there aren't many lights, either).. at least not in relation to the speed everyone drives. at first, it was fairly scary for me, because in addition to this, i had to get used to cars being on the opposite side of the road to what i was used to. oh, and roundabouts really freak me out. i thought i'd mention that, although today i had no cause to come in contact with a roundabout.
maybe it was just my mood, or i caught everyone on a bad day, but i felt like everyone was looking at me like i was some kind of reject. i've learned to just act calm, though. i speak calmly, and act like it's the most natural thing in the world for me to buy food. i think mostly what i do is try to remember to breathe regularly and take my time with regards to movements and speech. that's about it. i look directly at the cashier when he/she speaks, try to smile just enough to appear non-threatening, and try to respond without mumbling, although i always find it difficult to respond to 'how're you going?' i hate that fucking braindead phrase and it's probably the thing i like least about australia. well, i'm probably going to jump from a great height and go splat because i can't get ahold of a more appealing method.
so i was fairly laden down and had mostly uphill to go in the heat. i very rarely wear a watch, but i wear one when i go shopping, partly because it acts as a kind of prop to help me deal with waiting at traffic lights or at any time i feel someone is looking at me and i think i might be tempted to start screaming. and i can think to myself, only 10 more minutes, only 5 more minutes, etc. knowing how long i have to endure is probably the main part about wearing the watch. i look at it compulsively. i know for most of my life i've made something of an effort to keep certain thoughts to myself, thoughts that show lack of self-confidence. but i'm falling apart more and more, and maybe i don't want anyone to be attracted to me simply because i project a kind of confidence. maybe my apparent self-confidence has attracted people in the past. it's too much pressure. i'm a mess, and i really am feeling like i'm too shrivelled a person to ever attract anyone ever again. i don't have anything anyone wants. i feel ugly, i feel old, i feel completely irrelevant. there's this little nagging voice, i can't help this, i'm sorry, that says if you think that way, you'll program your subconscious to prove it to you. it's like unless you make an effort to at least challenge these thoughts, you have no chance, you'll be at their mercy. but it's not like that, really. it's about being attractive enough to attract 'sickness'. who the fuck cares. i just have no energy left to challenge anything. who cares about anything. i don't have to go outside now for a very long time if i don't want to.
no, i'm not bingeing right away. now that i've got the hard part out of the way, it's like i have a small measure of control again. at least for now. i have a lot of time. i can wait until i really feel ready. anyway, with the mood i'm currently in, i don't think it will be all that enjoyable. so i'll wait, and see if things change. it's been almost a whole day since i've had any sleep. i don't think i can sleep now. i haven't even had any coffee since about 8 pm yesterday. (more than 16 hours ago). i might feel physically a little better after some sleep.
i really want to sleep now. if i can't sleep, i guess i'll write more. it's not like anyone's obligated to read it.