26/08/03
my eyesight is fairly fucked at the moment.. it's probably related to all the recent bulimic behaviour. it's getting bad and i don't think i can continue with anything else tonight, and most of what i'm doing now i'm mostly doing half-blind. i really cannot see very much, it's quite alarming. but it's like in a way i *want* there to be something physical wrong with me, just something that can clearly show there is something wrong.. but at the same time, i don't want there to be anything wrong with me that necessitates hospitalization or anything like that.
later... it's just after noon now. i went to sleep after i wrote the above. i feel extremely weak, drained today, and i think the problem with my eyesight is coming back at the moment. it was ok when i was waking up, and i had some cereal with milk and banana for breakfast, but somehow it still seems there's this weird pressure around my eyes and occasionally things are a bit fuzzy in places, and it feels like it's heading where it was yesterday. this is unusual for me. i guess i'll just wait and see what happens.
i don't really feel like doing so much right now anyway, and it's not that i think i actually want to be working on silly little things.. i think i can remember writing once that i had a good time processing photos or something, which i think was very misleading. at that time i had *very* little experience with it, and i think it was sort of exciting, the idea of what could potentially be done, and i felt somewhat encouraged by a couple of things i had done.. but the actual process itself is a fucking pain. sometimes, when i'm caught up in it, i don't notice time going by in the same way, but there still can be this feeling of being trapped, and it's almost like something *forces* me to do stuff, because sitting around having nothing to do but try to force these ridiculous ideas from my mind becomes a worse torture than actually working on them. as for end results, i guess most do seem to represent something i feel i need to express, and i try to just accept.. and i think i'm not too judgmental of myself.. i try to examine what i think i might have been needing to express, and cut myself some slack even if i've done it lazily or inadequately in whatever ways.
i had a couple of really nice dreams while i slept, and the feeling is carrying over for now. not wanting to make the dreams public, but wanting to acknowledge that they're significant to me, that i want to try to hold onto the feelings.