27/06/03
i'm hungover today. i started out thinking i just wanted a couple of drinks to warm my body and help me relax a little after visiting gk's family, and then i still felt i wanted a bit more and i think i misjudged how much my body can handle now. maybe i was more worn out than i thought. and i'm fairly small at the moment and haven't been eating all that much considering how much i've been doing. am i really all that small, though? it feels weird writing that i am, as if somehow it's a lie, like i'm mistaken, like i must be.
in about a week, we're going back. i'm not sure if it's possible for me. i'm trying to clear my thoughts. i'm not sure what i think. i think most 'normal'-functioning people would probably have had difficulty coping with all i somehow managed to cope with. i'm not sure how i managed to do it. i feel like i want to run away, to admit to everyone that i just can't handle any more, to accept that i just can't go any further in life, to abandon the last little things i was trying to hold myself together for, and just go, today. alone. leave here, find the right place. that's what i keep thinking, i feel so alone. it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me for abandoning gk, his family, my visa, my creative 'goals' or whatever the hell they are, or whatever other 'possibilities' i may have had.
human misery. hospitals are scary places for me. as i walk through, i feel like i'm walking through a circle of hell, and people are calling out to me to help, to make it stop, and i want to try, but the cries multiply, and it's like i realize that everyone needs help, those who are sick and those who simulate wellness and i don't want to shut it out, to be unaware of the suffering, i have some need to see it, to recognize it and not try to make myself callous about it, but at the same time it overwhelms me and i know that even when i'm safe in my own little hole, when there is no one in my life at all, i will still hear those cries, and i will not want to live in a world where it has to be this way, and i cannot bear to be so weak and impotent.
there was someone there, i think a student. she gave the impression of freshness, learning, not being hardened yet to the onslaught of constant misery. and the look, the smile we exchanged gave me something, i felt her awareness, but i thought how will she hold up, day after day, year after year, but maybe she will make a difference. it's weird, there are warm tears now as i write this, thinking of her. i'm so silly, it's like now they won't stop. but it was more complicated than that, there were subtle reactions on various different levels, and i feel dismayed at the limits of my ability to communicate.
i want to abandon all responsibility. i don't want to help anyone. i want someone to help me. and since no one can, i want out. it's all so shallow, what i feel, i'm really just very self-centred. i only seem capable of caring, giving, loving in very momentary ways, and my other feelings are so ugly that it all seems ugly. i need to look into the eyes of someone who can see all this, who is like this, who has a need to face it. i don't need anything. i don't need anyone. i don't want anything except to get out. but i know that's not true, not yet, and so i'm still trapped, and i don't know how long i will be trapped.