Welcome to my blog binge.

TODAY'S SPECIAL:
Spring Chicken

SIDE ORDERS:
-Don't Feed the Possums
-GLBT (not a sandwich!) Rights
-Non-Random Neurotica
-Australian Values
-You Have No New Messages
-Eating Disorders Are Silly

When I started to compose this massive blog entry, I was experiencing a compulsion to demonstrate and explain some of the mental patterns that relate to binge/purge behaviour when it comes to eating. I have now finished up what I was working on as best I could, but while I was working on the entry, something happened that shifted my focus.

A beloved pet died accidentally and unexpectedly (on the last day of winter), and I found it difficult to think about much else. I have been afraid of forming such attachments in life. I had wanted to die before I would ever have to go through something like this again. I was already in a place where I felt weakened and vulnerable to an extent that made me fear I could not handle any further pain or responsibility. I already felt every day that I was trapped in a crisis and that I couldn't go on.

Intellectually, I know that things can always get worse.

When things suddenly get worse, what do you do?

The only thing I seem to know how to do is to drone on in repetitive and boring ways and occasionally create images.

It is my understanding that blogs are meant to be spontaneous My need for excess or 'inappropriate' proportions considering circumstances may be related to the mental patterns that affect my behavioural and relationship patterns - or in short: all areas of my life.

When I started this blog, I spoke about the feeling that I had something to say, but if anyone looks at what I express online and assumes that I am doing well, or adapting well to life and my circumstances, they don't understand what I am expressing. Everything I express is part of my suicide note, and is representative of my need to explain, partly as something to do to 'make the most of my life' until I find the energy and concentration necessary to kill myself. I am trying to demonstrate how a person like me perceives the world, what my mental functioning is like, and I am trying to illustrate my strengths and weaknesses. I open myself to the judgment of the world.

If a person is not very alive, it would make sense that that person would not engage the interest of others who are alive. It would make sense that those who want to keep living would not identify with me. I would be seen as a negative influence, a person to avoid. On the converse, I find the pressure of trying to be 'positive' enough for those who are well-ensconced in life, or who at least are still trying, to be too much for me, and before long I collapse and withdraw.

In early stages, the buds on the frangipani look like claws. But the claws unfold. Eventually the tree blooms.

This concludes my Spring Purge.