a cave lit by torches. eerie, intense, funereal music. blood rituals. and finally: death for the bride and groom. a recurrent fantasy over the years, the only one that included a wedding.
i didn't ever want to get married, and going through the process of it was actually traumatic for me. it represented all that i've struggled against my whole life. i desperately wanted to be independent, to be capable of supporting myself, and i didn't want my personal relationships to be tainted by the involvement of the "law" or tradition and social convention.
the black feather boa was excessive, dark, exotic, and sexual, and was for me a kind of silent scream.
so why did we go through with it? gk and i wanted more time together, and it didn't seem there was any other realistic way to get that. it was a difficult thing to go through at the time, but i have absolutely no regrets.