maybe it's somewhat pathetic to put all of these pictures on my website. i'm trying to document some of my experience. i'm not trying to say how great i think i am, or look how great this is. it's just that i have this wish to put my own things on my website, without taking images from other places. although, it shouldn't matter, since i'm stealing others' words now.. i guess, as much as possible, i want the visuals on this site to be things i've either done all myself, or worked on with gk. he and i have spent a lot of time cooking together, and somehow i wanted to represent that on this site. more proof that i've had a life? more proof that i haven't really had a life? more proof that you can appear to be having a life while still wanting to die? i just don't want to forget. gk has been important to me, and has shared food with me in a way i've never shared it with anyone.
when i first arrived off the plane, gk didn't really know what i liked to eat, but he had bought strawberries, camembert, chocolates and champagne. i found all of that so touching, and so perfect. and then night after night he would cook for me, and everything tasted so incredibly delicious, it was like we both were actually tasting things for the first time again. i don't want to forget that. his efforts meant something to me.
i'm not much of a cook, and that shows in the photos i've chosen for this page. (they are all things i made.) gk's sort of like a chef. we got into a habit of cooking things, then photographing them and putting them in a computer album. it was an activity to do together: searching recipes, then cooking together. unfortunately, i eventually lost interest. a weird part of my personality. i can do things for a while, and then i just don't want to any more. and so now, i don't really want to cook at all. i want to eat raw food, or junk food. no cooking. but i learned to bake bread.. something i always wanted to do. and i think gk has taught me a lot about cooking. i also always wanted to make my own pizza dough.. anyway, a lof of what we've made is conventional and even silly. but gk tends to make more interesting things than me.
i don't like to use homemade food for gorging/vomiting. there's usually a feeling of defeat and depression when i do. i prefer to use junk food for that. i think it represents wanting things/experiences from outside the home, things not 'good' for me. i spent years baking cookies and cakes and preparing pasta and whatnot for b/ping.. because i couldn't leave the house. when i go out to a restaurant, i don't like to vomit afterwards. i want to hold the food inside, and digest it, i want to hold onto the experience. there's something in the experience for me that solves part of what i think i'm looking for when i binge and vomit. experiencing a different ambiance, a different world, with different tastes. the exotic, samples of the world. a chance to wear something other than everyday clothing. i don't feel guilt about eating rich foods when at a restaurant. i always tend to resent getting fat on 'house food', though. yes, i think this all means something.
the smell of bread products, or this pizza when it's cooking is incredible. once, when we were cooking pizza, a rat was frantically hurling itself at the front screen door, trying to find a way in to get to the awesome aroma.
during the visa process, i constantly felt like i wanted to gorge and purge, but i restrained myself because i wanted to be healthy for the medical tests, and because i was afraid that if i let myself lose control that i wouldn't be motivated enough to go through with the visa. after i got the visa, there was a period when i wasn't sure i'd ever get out of the behaviour again. i think it was a reaction to the stress of putting in such an effort to control myself for so long.. but as time passed, the behaviour felt less and less necessary to me. i learned more about gk and his ways of communicating, and i put in effort to talk when i felt stressed.. it says a lot that he was willing to put up with all of it, and i really appreciate it and think it helped. in addition, i express myself online sporadically. also, when i feel like engaging in bulimic behaviour, i can sometimes pick out something to eat that i really want, even if it's a piece of cake for dinner, and this sometimes keeps me from eating more than i want. i hate sounding so 'good girl' and pc.. i've grossly simplified things because i don't have the energy to explain. anyway, i'm still not happy with my body. understatement. and the voracious unreasonable beast always seems to be lurking, ready to resurface at any time..