march 2001, first time in almost 2 years.
bulimia is my primary coping resource, but at times i've also felt the need to cut. as you can see, these are just scratches. from time to time, the desire to cut will keep coming into my mind. i may resist for a while, before i lose control. when i made these cuts, i was aware that i'd have to deal with doctors and interviews if i wanted to get a visa, and maybe that kept me from doing anything too extreme.
the most common thing for me to do was to make cuts like those that appear here on both of my arms, and to also do my neck during the same episode. on a few occasions i've cut much deeper. usually, i made a large number of cuts before i felt i was "done".
i discovered cutting at a time when i was prepared to try to kill myself by slashing my throat with a big knife. i wasn't able to go through with it, but found that making a lot of little cuts seemed to calm me down. at the end of this first episode, my appearance was somewhat shocking, but i was fascinated by it.
at times i have also banged my head against things, slapped or punched myself in the face, scratched at my face, punched a wall until my knuckles were swollen and bleeding, and burnt myself with a clothes iron.