The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit. -Bright Eyes, 'Lua'

 

 

This is what xesce does on the weekend. Just like anyone else would go out to a restaurant, bar, movie, etc, xesce puts on makeup and knows that not very many people would understand that in her own way she is expressing her sexuality. I don't always do this, but when I do, I am conscious of practicality: if you want to attract someone new, you have to play the game. I suppose that I have to concede the validity of that assessment, but I have made my choice. Self- expression is more important to me than acceptance. If men aren't biologically wired to be attracted to someone like me, it's by no means a 'sacrifice' for me to hope that perhaps women could be. And if no one can be, I doubt it will change my approach to communication.

[Weirdly enough, most of the photos in this entry have not been processed, or processed much. Just a matter mostly of cropping. I put on makeup, and used creative lighting techniques. The ones that give the illusion of motion: I moved during the taking of the photo. Most of it is pretty rough, but I wanted to preserve something unplanned.]

I am very drunk as I compile this entry. I have decided to load it tonight as is, but will probably try to add more of my own words to it tomorrow, remove it altogether, or shape it differently.

[Note: I decided to leave what I wrote as is. I think I would have liked to have written it better, but there's a kind of unpolished quality to it that 'fits' the entry, the images. It's cold where I am, and I hadn't had any warm food for quite some time or any human contact. With the gift basket, I was able to leave instructions for it to be placed at the door. I only had brief contact with the person who delivered my Italian food. Yes, it is all very sad and pathetic.]

...As a creative artist Sacher-Masoch was, of course, on the quest for the absolute, and sometimes, when impulses in the human being assume an abnormal or exaggerated form, there is just for a moment a flash that gives a glimpse of the thing in itself...

-Fernanda Savage - translator of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's Venus in Furs.

 

 



 

 

...One feels that in the hero many subjective elements have been incorporated, which are a disadvantage to the work from the point of view of literature, but on the other hand raise the book beyond the sphere of art, pure and simple, and make it one of those appalling human documents which belong, part to science and part to psychology. It is the confession of a deeply unhappy man who could not master his personal tragedy of existence, and so sought to unburden his soul in writing down the things he felt and experienced. The reader who will approach the book from this angle and who will honestly put aside moral prejudices and prepossessions will come away from the perusal of this book with a deeper understanding of this poor miserable soul of ours and a light will be cast into dark places that lie latent in all of us...

-Fernanda Savage on Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's Venus in Furs

...Yet I am not writing with ordinary ink, but with red blood that drips from my heart. All its wounds long scarred over have opened and it throbs and hurts, and now and then a tear falls on the paper...

-Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs (the character of Severin)

 

 



 

 

 

 

...Up to the present I have lived as I have painted and written poetry. I never got far beyond the preparation, the plan, the first act, the first stanza. There are people like that who begin everything, and never finish anything. I am such a one...

-Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs (Severin)

In love too, I am a dilettante who never got beyond the preparation, the first act.

-Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs (Severin again)

 

 

...The battle of the spirit with the senses is the gospel of modern man. I do not care to have a share in it...

-Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs (Wanda)

 

 

 

 

...Without any provocation she suddenly said to me to-day: "You interest me. Most men are very commonplace, without verve or poetry. In you there is a certain depth and capacity for enthusiasm and a deep seriousness, which delight me. I might learn to love you."...

-Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs (Wanda)

..."Then that which repels others, attracts you."...

-Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs (Wanda)

"I believe that everything my imagination has dreamed lies latent in your personality."

-Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs (Severin)

 

 

 

 

..."I don't understand myself any longer," she continued, "but I have a confession to make to you. You have corrupted my imagination and inflamed my blood. I am beginning to like the things you speak of. The enthusiasm with which you speak of a Pompadour, a Catherine the Second, and all the other selfish, frivolous, cruel women, carries me away and takes hold of my soul. It urges me on to become like those women, who in spite of their vileness were slavishly adored during their lifetime and still exert a miraculous power from their graves."

"You will end by making of me a despot in miniature, a domestic Pompadour."...

(Wanda)

..."Well then," I said in agitation, "if all this is inherent in you, give way to this trend of your nature. Nothing half-way. If you can't be a true and loyal wife to me, be a demon."...

(Severin)

...She stopped. "I am beginning to enjoy it," she said, "but enough for to-day. I am beginning to feel a demonic curiosity to see how far your strength goes. I take a cruel joy in seeing you tremble and writhe beneath my whip, and in hearing your groans and wails; I want to go on whipping without pity until you beg for mercy, until you lose your senses. You have awakened dangerous elements in my being...

(Wanda)

...It is strange how every relation in life assumes a different face as soon as a new person enters...

(Severin)

...I can see that you are more than an ordinary dreamer, you don't remain far in arrears of your dreams; you are the sort of man who is ready to carry his dreams into effect, no matter how mad they are. I confess, I like this; it impresses me. There is strength in this, and strength is the only thing one respects. I actually believe that under unusual circumstances, in a period of great deeds, what seems to be your weakness would reveal itself as extraordinary power...

(Wanda)

 

 

another version

 

 

...Just compare for instance those others. Wife locked up at home, skeleton in the cupboard. Allow me to introduce my. Then they trot you out some kind of nondescript, wouldn't know what to call her. Always see a fellow's weak point in his wife. Still there's destiny in it, falling in love. Have their own secrets between them. Chaps that would go to the dogs if some woman didn't take them in hand...

-James Joyce, Ulysses

...Bloom: (Indistinctly) University of life. Bad art...

-James Joyce, Ulysses

...and plaster figures, also naked, representing the new nine muses, Commerce, Operatic Music, Amor, Publicity, Manufacture, Liberty of Speech, Plural Voting, Gastronomy, Private Hygiene, Seaside Concert Entertainments, Painless Obstetrics and Astronomy for the People)...

-James Joyce, Ulysses

 

 

another version

 

 

...DR MULLIGAN: Dr Bloom is bisexually abnormal. He has recently escaped from Dr Eustace's private asylum for demented gentlemen. Born out of bedlock hereditary epilepsy is present, the consequence of unbridled lust. Traces of elephantiasis have been discovered among his ascendants. There are marked symptoms of chronic exhibitionism. Ambidexterity is also latent. He is prematurely bald from self-abuse, perversely idealistic in consequence, a reformed rake, and has metal teeth. In consequence of a family complex he has temporarily lost his memory and I believe him to be more sinned against than sinning. I have made a pervaginal examination and, after application of the acid test to 5427 anal, axillary, pectoral and pubic hairs, I declare him to be -virgo intacta-...

-James Joyce, Ulysses

 

 


 

 

...-Count me out, he managed to remark, meaning to work. The eyes were surprised at this observation, because as he, the person who owned them pro. tem. observed, or rather, his voice speaking did: All must work, have to, together...

-James Joyce, Ulysses (Stephen)

...Probably the homelife, to which Mr Bloom attached the utmost importance, had not been all that was needful or he hadn't familiarised with the right sort of people. With a touch of fear for the young man beside him, whom he furtively scrutinised with an air of some consternation remembering he had just come back from Paris, the eyes more especially reminding him forcibly of father and sister, failing to throw much light on the subject, however, he brought to mind instances of cultured fellows that promised so brilliantly, nipped in the bud of premature decay, and nobody to blame but themselves...

-James Joyce, Ulysses (Bloom)

 

 

another version

 

 

...Stephen dissented openly from Bloom's views on the importance of dietary and civic selfhelp while Bloom dissented tacitly from Stephen's views on the eternal affirmation of the spirit of man in literature...

-James Joyce, Ulysses (Stephen)

...I hope hell write me a longer letter the next time if its a thing he really likes me O thanks be to the great God I got somebody to give me what I badly wanted to put some heart up into me youve no chances at all in this place like you used to long ago I wish somebody would write me a loveletter his wasnt much and i told him he could write what he liked yours ever Hugh Boylan in Old Madrid silly women believe love is sighing I am dying still if he wrote it I suppose thered be some truth in it true or no it fill up your whole day and life always something to think about every moment and see it all around you like a new world I could write the answer in bed to let him imagine me...

-James Joyce, Ulysses (Molly)

...the greatest earthly happiness answer to a gentlemans proposal affirmatively my goodness theres nothing else its all very fine for them but as for being a woman as soon as youre old they might as well throw you out in the bottom of the ash pit...

-James Joyce, Ulysses (Molly)

...But the catastrophic solution may also be subjective, i.e. in the form of a nervous collapse. Such a solution always comes about as a result of the unconscious counterinfluence, which can ultimately paralyse conscious action. In which case the claims of the unconscious force themselves categorically upon consciousness, thus creating a calamitous cleavage which generally reveals itself in two ways: either the subject no longer knows what he really wants and nothing any longer interests him, or he wants too much at once and has too keen an interest-but in impossible things. The suppression of infantile and primitive claims, which is often necessary on "civilized" grounds, easily leads to neurosis, or to the misuse of narcotics such as alcohol, morphine, cocaine, etc. In more extreme cases the cleavage ends in suicide... [extraverts]

...It is a salient peculiarity of unconscious tendencies that, just in so far as they are deprived of their energy by a lack of conscious recognition, they assume a correspondingly destructive character, and as soon as this happen their compensatory function ceases. They cease to have a compensatory effect as soon as they reach a depth or stratum that corresponds with a level of culture absolutely incompatible with our own. From this moment the unconscious tendencies form a block, which is opposed to the conscious attitude in every respect ; such a block inevitably leads to open conflict...[extraverts]

...The superior function is always the expression of the conscious personality, its aim, its will, and its achievement, whilst the inferior functions belong to the things that happen to one...

...Where intuition has the priority, every ordinary situation in life seems like a closed room, which intuition has to open. It is constantly seeking outlets and fresh possibilities in external life. In a very short time every actual situation becomes a prison to the intuitive; it burdens him like a chain, prompting a compelling need for solution...

...The objective occurrence is both law-determined and accidental. In so far as it is law-determined, it is accessible to reason; in so far as it is accidental, it is not. One might reverse it and say that we apply the term law-determined to the occurrence appearing so to our reason, and where its regularity escapes us we call it accidental...

...If, by some accident, the objective situations are exactly in tune, something like a human relationship takes place, but nobody can tell what will be either its validity or its duration. To the rational type it is often a very bitter thought that the relationship will last only just so long as external circumstances accidentally produce a mutual interest. This does not occur to him as being especially human, whereas it is precisely in this situation that the irrational sees a humanity of quite singular beauty...

...The more the ego seeks to secure every possible liberty, independence, superiority, and freedom from obligations, the deeper does it fall into the slavery of objective facts. The subject's freedom of mind is chained to an ignominious financial dependence, his unconcernedness of action suffers now and again, a distressing collapse in the face of public opinion, his moral superiority gets swamped in inferior relationships, and his desire to dominate ends in a pitiful craving to be loved. [introverts]...

...His judgment appears cold, obstinate, arbitrary, and inconsiderate, simply because he is related less to the object than the subject. One can feel nothing in it that might possibly confer a higher value upon the object; it always seems to go beyond the object, leaving behind it a flavour of a certain subjective superiority. Courtesy, amiability, and friendliness may be present, but often with a particular quality suggesting a certain uneasiness, which betrays an ulterior aim, namely, the disarming of an opponent, who must at all costs be pacified and set at ease lest he prove a disturbing- element. In no sense, of course, is he an opponent, but, if at all sensitive, he will feel somewhat repelled, perhaps even depreciated. Invariably the object has to submit to a certain neglect; in worse cases it is even surrounded with quite unnecessary measures of precaution. Thus it happens that this type tends to [introverts] disappear behind a cloud of misunderstanding, which only thickens the more he attempts to assume, by way of compensation and with the help of his inferior functions, a certain mask of urbanity, which often presents a most vivid contrast to his real nature...[introverts]

...His struggle against the influences emanating from the unconscious increases with his external isolation, until gradually this begins to cripple him. A still greater isolation must surely protect him from the unconscious influences, but as a rule this only takes him deeper into the conflict which is destroying him within... [introverts]

...In the foregoing descriptions I have no desire to give my readers the impression that such pure types occur at all frequently in actual practice...

-Carl G. Jung, Psychological Types

...Blank face. Virgin should say: or fingered only. Write something on it: page. If not what becomes of them? Decline, despair. Keeps them young...

...Touch me. Soft eyes. Soft soft soft hand. I am lonely here. O, touch me soon, now. What is that word known to all men? I am quiet here alone. Sad too. Touch, touch me...

...Tenderness it welled: slow, swelling. Full it throbbed. That's the chat. Ha, give! Take! Throb, a throb, a pulsing proud erect. Words? Music? No: it's what's behind...

-James Joyce, Ulysses

 

 

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