yet another thing i find it difficult to talk about
i have herpes simplex virus type 2 (hsv2).. simplifying, i have genital herpes. (i am not affected orally.) i contracted this at age 23, and it has contributed significantly to my suicidal feelings. it was around this time that i became constantly suicidal. i had so many other problems already, and sexual spontaneity was important to me, and at this point, i think i just gave up on life.
over the years i've been very conscientious about it. i have been surprised by the number of people who have been willing to accept various levels of risk with me. gk and i work around it, and he hasn't ever developed symptoms. it's just that i always feel so defective and disgusting, and it's hard to relax, always having to be aware that i could cause another person to suffer something similar to what i have suffered or worse, and that this could also have serious repercussions with regards to that person's life and future relationships. it's so stressful always having to be aware of signs that an outbreak is approaching.
once i had access to the internet, i started to wonder if virtual sex was the answer for me. there are creative ways of being safe, even without confining intimate relations to online relationships.. it's just that i've often felt that i just don't want to deal with real life sex any more. there is something i like about the idea that the other person is interacting with my mind, my imagination, and that we aren't restricted to natural laws and what is realistic.. and i can't infect someone i care about if i don't ever meet them in person. plus, i don't have to worry about how neurotic i am about my physical appearance.