i have grown up to be a debaser.

the picture says more about me than it does about the original subject. i may be cold, analytical, but in addition, my perceptions may be distorted. i am self-conscious about that.

but, i don't want to give up my consciousness, my perception, because it is part of what my uniqueness or individuality is about.

another picture i made from the same original photo was different, because when i created it i was more emotionally open. now i am withdrawing into my own mind. i feel lonely, isolated, and i am intellectualizing my correspondence because i am not feeling it emotionally now.

the image (both, but mainly i am referring to the large version) is currently in the centre of the page, because my life is not full, and so i focus on whatever new stimuli is coming in. but i am a big black hole. i don't feel optimistic about myself, my life. i don't know how to fake confidence.

i am not in the centre of his inbox. his life is more balanced, he is able to compartmentalize more efficiently. i try to make up for my lack of life balance with my analytical approach.

when i communicate with anyone, i want it to be in-depth. if it can't be, i can only hold on for a while.

he has qualities that are atrophying in me: warmth, enthusiasm, curiosity about diversity in life. i may wish that i could hold onto these qualities in myself before i lose them completely, but i think it's too late, that i am too far out there.

i am trying to figure out some way i can either connect or help. but because i have to do this in an intellectual way, it adds to the feeling of isolation. 'helping' him is not about altruism. it helps me psychologically to feel that i can do something for someone that not just anyone can do - this would make me feel stronger, this would address some of what i'm currently lacking. what it looks like to me at present is that his lovelife is complex, and that maybe he would like someone to talk to about it. i am figuring out how to make that transition. maybe i could do something i have a wish to do: play psychologist. or, i could try to be a friend, to listen. at the same time it's difficult, because i myself am starved for romantic and sexual attention. i am trying to shift the focus such that i can understand that it will help make me stronger in the 'right' ways if i can be helpful, and wait for a situation that is more 'right' for me when it comes to having a romantic or sexual relationship. but this all requires a high level of intellectualization and self-control, and at times i think that the most realistic approach would be for me to accept that i am going to be lonely, that my existence will be something like this picture. the fact that i like the picture says that maybe i can accept it, accept my fate. i have faced this situation many times before, it seems.

sexual significance: i need a lot of mental stimulation. i am so depleted, so empty, that it would be very difficult for any person to address all that i lack psychologically, emotionally, etc. i understand this, and try to make it easy for others to stop having contact with me.

the picture represents my (probably realistic) fear that i am alienating yet another person, in the ways i have alienated others. but, it also represents that i recognize what i have to hold onto in life is my consciousness, my perception. it is what i have when i have no one.

if i reacted to people in a totally free uncontrolled way, it would not seem human in a way that people could relate to. they would not know how to handle it. the despair, the pain are not comprehensible to most people, and would only be a burden. if i did not make an effort, an intense effort to focus my thoughts, i would probably constantly babble: pleaseletmediesomebodypleasefuckmesomebodypleaseloveme. my only chance for interaction is to try to have some self-control, to see if i can hold it together for a while, long enough to gain a little energy from some parts of interaction. but in order to do so, i have to be thinking, analyzing, understanding my strengths and weaknesses, and those of others, i have to be making an effort to make the most of the situation that presents itself. i totally get how unappealing that must be to others once they begin to sense this approach.

i feel sad, i feel loss. but if i try to hold back all the complication, it eventually surfaces, in one way or another.