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on drinking
TOLERANCE It took a long time for me to build up enough of a tolerance that I could get something more out of alcohol. The amount I can handle in any one session now has increased over time. I'm now at a stage where I have a reasonably good time drunk, and then sleep well after. When I get up, I don't even really feel hungover. It took many years for me to build up a tolerance, or to acclimatize well enough to get a certain something out of drinking that resulted in me wanting to do it more often. Most of the time, I had no desire to drink. HEALTH CONCERNS What I worry about most with the drinking is the possible health repercussions. Am I doing damage to my brain, heart, liver? Etc? Will I have to deal with hospitals or serious consequences and become even more of a burden to the world than I am? I have heard that the grey cell count doesn't dimish, and that although some white cells are lost, overall, with an extended period of abstinence or moderate drinking, cognitive function pretty much goes back to what it was. Brain damage is more likely to occur when people are malnourished, in particular with a B1 deficiency. As for heart, stroke issues, when it comes to me, I don't know. Liver, I don't know, but usually I do have some days off drinking, which is supposedly helpful, gives the liver time to adjust. At times I try to reduce the effects of alcohol, but I don't know where I stand. It seems to me that through history there have been a lot of heavy drinkers that might have lived to old age, with relatively few ill effects as compared to non or moderate drinkers. Would I be one of those? I don't know. HOW I AM PERCEIVED BY OTHERS WHEN DRUNK Most of the time I am alone when drunk. I can be repetitive when drunk. For most of my life, drinking was accompanied by feelings of shame the next day over loss of control, which was part of why it remained only an occasional occurrence. Over time, perhaps I got better at controlling it, maybe I just had an increased illusion of control, or maybe I felt less shame because I had a website and had communicated online in various ways, and now most people knew all about the things I had originally tried to hide. In other words, I was now more desensitized to the shame aspect. Instead of blurting things out drunkenly, I had made a conscious choice to share these things openly. HOW I AM PERCEIVED BY OTHERS REGARDLESS OF ALCOHOL Whether I am drunk or drinking or not, I don't think I am perceived well by people. Consciously, I think I can understand my isolation, how it occurred and why most people look away from me. When it comes to people I have known, it's always been an impossible situation. My reactions to my circumstances make sense to me, but so do other people's reactions. Many years ago (more than a decade, probably) I had already drawn a parallel between where I was going and what it's like to lie in a hospital bed, old, shitting and pissing yourself. Maybe many people with conditions like Alzheimer's or Huntington's don't want to leave things 'too long', but eventually they keep going a bit longer. Why is it so hard for people to end their lives themselves? It seems that even people who have access to means, ways, knowledge, often can't act. TRANSFERENCE OF ADDICTION For most of my life, food was my primary addiction. That has slowly changed, mostly in recent years. Disordered eating began to seriously impact my life at age 13. People usually think of those with alcohol dependence to be in denial about their usage and addiction. I was not in denial about my problems with food, but when I was young, maybe no one really understood what I was saying. Alcohol has been part of my life since age 15, but my alcohol binges were few and far between compared to my food binges. I was dealing with a daily obsession/compulsion with food that I could sometimes control for brief periods, but that never left my mind. When it came to alcohol, though, most of the time it never crossed my mind. After age 16, most years I didn't go outside much. I only drank during the periods of socialization, and it could be argued that without alcohol, I would have socialized far less. Giving up alcohol now would cause the original addiction to be transferred to some other drug. The original issues I had became more complicated over time, and I do not believe there are any realistic solutions. Giving up any drug will not for me lead to increased participation in life. I do not see any realistic ways to create authentic ties to and interests in life. CONCURRENT ADDICTION/MOVIES, TV When I drink now, I also usually watch movies or tv programs. I have a large collection. After I watch something, and often during, I write down various observations. Without alcohol, it can be harder to watch these things, because I am not totally interested. I don't want to keep participating in life, or the ideas that relate to ongoing life. Often my comments are related to repetitive themes and memes that keep cropping up, and my alternative stand/s, or I attempt to clarify what I relate to. In a sense, I have a kind of conversation through my reactions to movies and tv. I am speaking back to the universe in the only way I can. I process and respond to the ideas and efforts of others, but remain isolated. I get practice in articulating my stand/s on a wide variety of topics. I have lost the sense that anyone cares what I think. It's mainly a kind of 'exercise', like putting one foot in front of the other as I go through my day, or try to find ways to endure my life. It makes sense to consider the possibility that this is a valid approach to life, and if I enjoy it, why not accept that? But as it occurs, no matter how drunk I am, I do not lose awareness that I wish for my life to end. I endure rather than enjoy. I make choices about how to best get through each day, one day at a time. The combination of drinking/observing/reacting is what I would consider an emergency tactic. COUNTING THE DAYS When I give up alcohol, or caffeine, and in the past when I have tried to give up binge eating, I always end up counting days. Time is more difficult to get through, endure. This doesn't change over time - 'the hunger' doesn't ever go away. I think when most people give up something like this, there is something in life they want or can focus on. For myself, it's only 'give up drinking long enough to plan a suicide'. The last time I tried this, I lost control and didn't end up going through with the suicide. I have speculated before that maybe drinking is keeping me alive. FEAR-MONGERING To what extent are we all dealing with misconceptions about drug and alcohol use? Isn't the 'normal' reaction to what I've written about my drinking to say 'you need to give up alcohol, and things will improve?' - but in my personal situation, I don't really trust that. Long before alcohol was a regular part of my life, I was unhappy and wished for death. I can't even remember what it is like to be 'happy'. I have tried to do the last left over things in life that might have been preventing me from killing myself, or felt unfinished, and now, I really don't know what else there is. If other drugs were available, it is realistic to think that I could use them instead of alcohol. It would depend on the 'high', or the effect, and if I preferred these to the effects of alcohol. REALITIES OF HUMAN EXISTENCE AND FUNCTIONING Many human beings appear to be unaware of the extent to which they use various substances to get by. They are under such pressure to be 'healthy' that there is a disconnect between the ideal of what they should do, and the reality of what they do. Why keep scaring the crap out of human beings with all the possible health repercussions if the reality is that most human beings can't do without drugs of some kind to get by? What if most human beings are not anywhere near moderation in their habits? Should we not acknowledge that human beings sometimes actually get something important out of excess that they might not want to give up forever? Why not start out in schools examining this idea, and also throw in that most will probably not live 'happily ever after' upon graduating high school or university? Perhaps the young should seriously examine the option that they don't have to think of drugs as 'bad' for everyone. There are people who manage to function, have jobs and families, even with lifelong drug/alcohol (ab)use. Maybe for some, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks or potential drawbacks or health repercussions. In my case, instead of every day for the rest of my life being a certain kind of horror, some days there is a bit less horror, thanks to alcohol. ONGOING DEPRESSION In depression questionnaires, one warning sign of depression is that the person 'has lost interest in usual activities'. If I haven't had any genuine interest in any activities since my teens, what does that say? Over time, I have stopped putting effort into other activities I made some effort to maintain from time to time. These were activities I utilized so that things wouldn't get worse, or as a way of blowing off steam, releasing some pressure. ACTIVITIES I HAVE STOPPED PUTTING EFFORT INTO In 2003, I stopped suntanning. For most of my life, I had looked forward to summer, and there was always a period where I 'got ready' for summer, and that meant that my skin (due to ichthyosis vulgaris) had to be tanned in order to look normal enough that I felt confident enough to go out, or even accept that I might have sex or a relationship. I think when I stopped tanning, it was psychologically difficult to break the association from the past: if I didn't tan, I wasn't 'normal' enough to socialize, have sex, etc. But most of the people I had known from about 1998 on had associations that suntanning was something those who were uneducated did, or something 'shiny happy' people, or jocks did. After this, I never really 'took advantage' of summer. There was no 'season of opportunity'. Although my skin without tanning in summer is not as horrible as when I lived in Canada, I am still not really comfortable with it. There is a difference between what it was like to have a tan, and what it's like not to. Although winter is now more comfortable, I usually stay indoors, hidden, and sleep as much as possible. By early 2004, I had stopped dancing. Dancing had occurred more rarely in recent years, but the last few times I tried, it wasn't really working, and after that, I stopped trying. I tried a couple of times in 2011, but my efforts were clumsy and I didn't get a 'high'. But, in 2005, I created a few websites, to add on the original one I created in 2001. It could be that expression on my sites became the natural evolution of my self-expression. However, in 2013, I am finding myself less interested in creating images or articles for my site. I don't know what else there really is to say, or there is a very strong feeling that it doesn't matter if I try. I haven't received 'enough' feedback for me to feel it is possible to get to a new level of communication. Although it's possible that offline, in my own writing, I now write about a greater range of subjects, I feel detached about the idea of trying to 'prove' this. EVOLUTION OF DEPRESSION AND SELF-EXPRESSION My 'creativity' is now channelled into writing after watching movies, maybe. Is this a deterioration, or a natural evolution, which in turn will lead to further change? Am I accepting a permanent isolation now? Would it be a sign of depression if I stopped wanting to get drunk and watch movies? It seems easier to motivate myself to get out of bed if I think I will drink that night. This also helps motivate me to have a shower and put a little effort into cooking dinner. I have not lost interest in possums, and I do make an effort to connect with them and be there for them if they have a problem, but I do not see it as good for the possums to spend too much time fussing over them. This means it is best to only have a few minutes of contact with them each day. I am no longer interested in travel. I also have no wish to jump through whatever hoops are necessary, including applying for a new passport. This is not just about lack of energy and insecurity, it's also very much about feeling disillusioned with the system. But as for travel itself, I think some kind of significant human connection would be necessary for it to feel rewarding, and I don't really see how to connect with others. From 2012-2013 I spent time in various online social activities, and the result is that I think things have gone too far, and I just can't play well with others. I think too much about death to be able to hold those thoughts back, and so I'm usually excessive in that area, and not really a whole lot of fun. I feel like I have to be on my best behaviour when communicating with people, but that a tidal wave always threatens to burst forth, and sometimes it does, which is unpleasant for all concerned. I don't for the most part make people feel good. I don't want people to write to me out of 'kindness'. My assessment is that correspondence with me is draining and time-consuming, with few rewards. I don't want to concentrate on and embellish the perhaps 1-5% of my personality that others might find easier to deal with. When I try, I feel like I am selling out, and that it is only a matter of time before there is some kind of explosion, anyway. I can't see any job I would ever be able to hold or want to hold. I really don't want to participate in keeping the world going as it is, but I can't connect well enough with the world or people to find ways to contribute to change. Personal relationships are not sustainable. I am not connected enough to life to form authentic relationships. Even the idea of sex seems kind of repulsive to me. That could be because I am picking up the idea that I am pretty much repulsive or unappealing to everyone, which totally kills sex for me. I get it: while people had illusions about me, I had some slight chance, but now, zero. I have read a certain amount of books, and content on the internet. I have seen a lot of movies and tv. I don't see any examples of lifestyles I want, or even of things in life that I want. ISOLATION I haven't left the house now in close to two years, but even that occasion was the first in months, and in the last 5 years (almost), I have not really gone out much at all. My world trip in 2008 was a big effort, and might have been my last attempt to say: if I am not dead yet, what else could I possibly want? And to try to aim at achieving what it was. After the trip, I spent 6 weeks in Melbourne, in an attempt to move there. After that, I think I just accepted an ongoing decline, and that I was not smart enough, and didn't have enough strength to figure out a way out. In 2013, I didn't even know how much foliage had grown around the front of the house, or what the house looked like in daylight. Seriously, GK had to take a photo for me. From time to time, this sort of thing might be necessary, in order for me to think about how to best make whatever contributions I can so this place doesn't become another Grey Gardens. If I leave this place, I won't really have a 'job'. It's not that I am doing so much lately, but there are times when I do more than others. Basically, GK pays me to do some things around the house here, and to watch the house when he's away for work. I pay most of this back in room and board. If I leave, I won't have a 'job', or the support of possums and GK. THE FRIGHTENING REALITY At a certain point, I came across the idea that it is possible to make a statement with one's death, and to go out feeling 'strong'. I don't feel strong, and while I want to see even suicide as positively as possible, in my individual situation, the truth is that it feels to me like things are getting worse, and that I am less capable of planning a successful suicide. I want to leave on a 'strong' note, a 'positive' note, but I find myself more irritable, less patient, more cynical, more despairing and of course, with even less dignity. How do I bring this back around to the 'most positive place' possible? It seems like the reality is that my quality of life will continue to decline. It will do that whether I drink or not. I did not have a good quality of life before the drinking. Every day was an Emergency Situation. I had already tried as much as I knew how to try to solve my problems. Drinking was really a last resort. And now, I see it as a morphine drip. THE POSITIVE SIDE How many people can get up and have the choice to just get drunk and watch movies, and have no other obligation for that day? Day after day? But seriously.. In many ways, I am grateful for the life I have. I am amazed that I live on the other side of the world from where I was born, I am amazed by possums, I have my own room which I like, I have the freedom to do and say what I please (to be myself), I have a friend who can to some extent accept the reality of my life. It could be that the most positive thing is that I found my own voice. In the process of finding it, I sometimes overshot the mark, but I learned to accept that sometimes it is necessary to make mistakes. I don't regret the risks I have taken, and I wouldn't go back to keeping the peace. CALORIC INTAKE [This section addresses the caloric impact of drinking, which might be compensating for food. My diet (when it comes to food) is far from perfect, but it is greatly improved considering my disordered eating days.] If I drink two bottles of white wine, I am not sure, but I usually think of it as coming to approx. 1000 calories. If I drink two bottles of red, I think of it as coming to approx. 1600 calories. I realize that these figures might be incorrect. They are rough estimates, that I am not sure I can keep out of my head. If I drink two bottles of white, which for most of the year, suits the climate here, and approx. 1000 calories worth of food, my weight will for the most part be stable, especially if I exercise. But, if I drink two bottles of red and have at least 1000 calories worth of food, I will be in a weight gaining pattern. If I can have a few days a week when I have fewer calories, from 1200-1500, it will help to combat this to some extent, but the more I drink, the more likely I will gain weight. Often, it's pretty slow. Some people might think of recovery from a food addiction as an ability to keep calorie counts out of one's head, but I am not sure that is ever going to be realistic for me. I started estimating when I was very young (8-10), and even though I haven't kept up with current estimations, it would be difficult to totally disregard the old ones I learned. If I drink three times in a week, there is a possibility that would cause me to gain one pound, depending on how much food I eat. If I drink 6 times in a week, I could gain two pounds. Sometimes on the non-drinking days, there is a deficit which to some extent counteracts the drinking days. When I have extended periods without alcohol, whether for a week or two, or longer, these times help to balance out any weight that has been gained through drinking. A FEW EXAMPLES OF WHAT I EAT A few common dinners: -mushroom pizza (from scratch - sometimes leek and goat cheese pizza, or pizza using whatever is around.) -spaghetti (or penne) with fresh tomatoes and basil -stirfry: quorn, broccoli, capsicum (bell pepper), carrots, mushrooms, onion and rice (reduced salt kecap manis). -wraps: whole wheat pita bread with quorn, lettuce, tomato, skim milk mozzarella, extra light sour cream and sweet chilli sauce -wholemeal soft wrap with similar ingredients, except homemade caesar dressing instead of sour cream and chilli sauce. -roasted vegetables: potatoes, sweet potato, carrots, pumpkin, tomato, onion -tandoori quorn skewers with rice and steamed bok choy, broccoli, carrots and red capsicum (bell pepper). -leek and potato soup -pumpkin and sweet potato soup, plus (lowfat) cornbread -corn on cob, baked potato, salad and bbq quorn skewers -whole wheat pita bread with various vegetarian dips, including hummus -haloumi and vegetable kebabs with couscous (with cucumber, mint, pistachios, rose petals and sultanas) -vegetarian parmigiana (a version with quorn and a lot more sauce than Aussie parmigiana - the sauce has whole tomatoes, broccoli and red bell pepper) [Quorn is a vegetarian protein source. It has a more appealing texture than tofu. It comes in different forms, but I like the stirfry chunks best - they can be used for all of the quorn meals above.] once in a while: -vegetarian lasagna (sweet potato, pumpkin, spinach, mushrooms) -takeaway vegetarian curries Common Snacks: -mini pizza on whole wheat pita bread, with reduced fat mozzarella, tomatoes and basil (or whatever is around) -reduced fat cheddar, apple, pear, and pistachios (sometimes with wholegrain crackers, different kinds of cheese, almonds, cashews, seasonal fruits, especially grapes, mango and strawberries.) -I also regularly eat oatmeal with nonfat soy milk (in 2014: not so regular). (As for soy cheese: yikes.) -hot (or cold) chocolate, with or without added coffee (made with skim soy milk.) Extras I don't eat things like chocolate, cookies or chips often, although I used to eat them all the time. It probably sounds 'unbelievable' and I'm not sure how to address this. What I do now is that when I have a craving, I try to identify it, and have a 'reasonable' portion of whatever, but not enough to feel stuffed. It will now take me more than a week to eat the amounts of things I could easily eat in an hour in the past during a binge. The main issue seems to be that alcohol now takes the place of these types of foods. The underlying problem is still there, or has morphed somewhat. Vitamins: -multi (two daily) -iron (105 mg), twice a week -B1 (250mg day - I read that thiamine (B1) deficiency is associated with brain damage in heavy drinkers. It is not toxic in high doses.) Hangover Prevention Strategies: -I drink 500 ml of water before bed -I keep another 500 ml beside the bed, and usually end up drinking all of that -at a certain point while drinking a large amount, I will prepare a small snack, even if I don't feel hungry -if at the time I am in a caffeine phase, I make sure I have some caffeine upon waking - this prevents headache and a feeling of nausea -it is rare that I need to take anything for headache -the next day I make sure to eat at regular intervals - if I haven't eaten enough, I sometimes start feeling a bit ill ->exile on meme st: a diary ->xesce.net  |
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