02/07/02
i hadn't thought of you much in recent weeks.
it was painful to me that we couldn't understand each other
well enough
and that we weren't compatible enough,
but it just didn't seem like there was anything that could be done about
it.
so i found myself moving on, feeling that it was likely
i'd eventually be open to a new relationship.
at times i find myself feeling angry that you are writing messages
for me.
why don't you just let me go?
but why am i writing in response at times?
we're probably both processing everything,
and it will lead to letting go.
i feel like i'm a trainwreck you can't look away from.
is it just that we're both so bored?
it's funny how with some relationships there can still be this
compulsion,
to have contact again,
but
then it doesn't take much to accelerate the whole process
that pulled you apart in the first place.
but you still can't help
hoping
that this this time there can be a way to get through it.
in a way, i sort of want to drive you away by being myself,
so that i can be free.
i started out trying to communicate with someone else out there,
but then got distracted by you. i'm still trying, though.
i'm not complaining about you.
i feel lucky to have had
the interaction i've had with you.
sometimes, i feel like i want warmth and kindness from you.
but mostly i think i just want to let you be, and find someone
who can
i have the feeling that you find me physically, mentally and
emotionally repulsive to some extent,
and i sort of feel judged,
with you there watching.
i can't help wondering if you have any idea
how hard it is to be
myself in the face of that.
i guess the answer is to avoid your webpage and pretend you don't
exist.
i wish i had that much self-control.
but at times i know i want you to stay and watch,
at least for a while longer,
and i want to know some of your thoughts.
i guess all i can do
is keep trying to put information out there,
and hope that
eventually someone new will appear to divert my attention from you,
or that the feelings will become less chaotic.
that they will fade.
there are so many hours in the day,
and my mind keeps circling back
and when my mind doesn't, i think my behaviour does
and even having a small bit of contact with you
seems to expand within me in some weird way,
and i feel
and i start wondering what understanding really is,
and what kind of understanding it is that i want.
it's still going to take some time
to work through what i'm feeling.
at this point, i can see you experiencing an urgent need
to
withdraw even further from all of this chaos and lack of understanding.
i don't know. maybe that's not such a bad thing.
'It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the
.'