03/03/03
crushing depression today. i feel like i need to refocus or make a decision or something. i've been preparing for so long. i think i'm close to ready.. to put in the final effort. will i just walk away now? probably not. if i carry my ideas out to completion, see where it all goes, this is what i think i can expect: i may experience a feeling of personal fulfillment for a short time, but then dealing with daily life will be as difficult as always. the decision is not a real decision. i don't think i have a choice. there's this feeling of compulsion. i don't expect that this time will be different from the other times. i don't expect that this time i will create something markedly different, more special, something that will live on, whatever. i don't expect that it will lead to closeness with others, or a feeling of connection, or a feeling of belonging. it's just something to do, something i feel compelled to do. i have a need to express myself, while knowing that i probably can't do it in a way that can lead to me not feeling as if i am starving to death for something i don't know how to get.
i have this longing for someone to take an interest in me, for someone to want me, although i think it would just make me feel panicked if it actually occurred. i notice lately that when i'm in public (in the last while i've been out of the house more than usual), men are checking me out. if i sent signals in response when i'm alone, i think some would try to approach me. i don't flatter myself that i'm exceptionally hot or any such thing. men like to look. i guess i'm not invisible or completely irrelevant to them on a superficial level yet, that's all. i'm not attracted to anyone. this has nothing to do with loyalty to gk. i have no idea what it would take for me to feel attracted to anyone at this point. it's not that i don't ever have sexual feelings or longings, but i don't often seem to associate them with actual people. it just seems like there are unsentimental ways of dealing with those feelings, and it's no big deal. i think i've gotten used to the idea that sexual interactions can't be what i want them to be, because i can't be something other than what i am. i just don't want to dwell any more on what it seems impossible for me to have, and so i shut it all out of my mind.
i have been fighting against admitting this for a very long time: i haven't honestly liked sex for a very long time. i think it's been difficult for me to accept because of my upbringing. i couldn't seem to shake off that it was important to like sex, to be very sexual, that having sexual value and being intensely interested in sex was one of the most important things in life, if not the most important. i have tried my very hardest to get out of sex what i could, and to always see what's good, and focus on that. i partly don't like sex because i can't accept my appearance. i partly don't like it because for me there is no feeling of closeness. at this point i know i can probably figure out how to have an orgasm in almost any situation, with any partner, if i put in the effort. i can experience something of a feeling of release, and it's nice in a way. but no matter how much i talk and talk, i can't create a feeling of intimacy. it all takes more effort than i want to continue to put in - it's just that i don't think the effort is ever leading to anything. i want chemistry, some sort of natural affinity with another person, i want intensity and intimacy, and i don't want to feel ugly, boring or like i could be almost anyone at all.
with peter, i got an idea of what sex could be. it was natural, there was chemistry, there was a need for sex all the time, whether it was convenient or not. there was no explaining things in excruciating detail. our bodies just knew how to respond to each other. i remember thinking how lucky i was, how close to perfect it all was.. but i was always thinking that i was capable of taking things even further.. with a person who was more perceptive, who cared more about the feelings and circumstances of others, who'd experienced pain and aloneness in ways similar to me.. with someone i could feel deeply 'in love' with in addition to the sexual addiction. i guess i didn't realize at the time that i would never have a more intense experience, that i would never come closer to bonding with another person. it seems to me that i probably only had that experience because at that time i still had some 'potential'. i was 17, and very fit. i was mentally very active. i was probably at my peak attractiveness. i had hope about life, i was determined.. and so all of that probably drew peter to me, and made it possible for me to have the experience i did. the older and odder i became, the more i withdrew from life, the less likely i was to experience that kind of intensity with another person. so i came to the conclusion that the intensity if it ever came with someone else would have to be based not on potential in life, but on a shared kind of 'rejection' of life (which would be based on the idea that some of us are not made to cope with life), while still having the remembrance of what it was like to feel intensely alive and not feel the need to denigrate that even though the feeling was gone and analysis reduced it to somewhat unappealing factors.. i think what i'm finding out is that the more conscious i am, the less likely anything is to surprise and thrill me, when i thought it would be the opposite. but i also find that with every person i've had contact with i *think* there are ties to life that i don't share. they're attracted still to so many different people, and i *think* this represents in a way having ties to life that i don't. they still have things to work out, more to learn about themselves, life, and what they value, etc. (ack! i think i'm giving a misleading impression, because i don't think i really believe in this kind of crap, but i can't be arsed to figure out how to express what i mean better) it's not that i don't still have more to learn, or more to work out, i mean obviously i'm not dead yet (ack again).. but for me it's in different areas. i approached the people i was interested in. i didn't repress things the way most people do. and i kept doing it until there was no one left to approach, until there were no more feelings of attraction or compulsion, and in some cases i guess i just sent out signals that made it easier for some of those i was attracted to to approach me and for us to resolve feelings of attraction, as well as was possible for us.
ok, so i think there is something different this time. my focus is a bit different. instead of trying to push myself to express myself in the vain and vague hope that it will lead to me attracting the right person, i think my energy is focused in such a way that i'm not saving anything for a relationship. all the energy is focused on the creation. i feel sad, and if i'm honest maybe i'm still hoping somehow that someone will try to overcome my inhibitions about interaction.. but i can't realistically see that sort of thing going well. what seems most likely to me is that no one will be interested enough, interested enough for both of us, and that's just as well, because i can't see interaction going anywhere i'd like. i feel accepting of this, and i also feel that it may be possible to have something of a feeling of strength and fulfillment if i can manage to kill myself after putting in this one last creative effort.
am i coming across as unsure, ambivalent? who is ever sure of anything? we all have longings, but unfortunately some of us have exceptionally unrealistic longings, and there is nothing but torture and conflict in relation to those longings until we finally die.
i sound so negative today, but i feel so much closer to a feeling of peace, or something. there isn't a traditional happy ending for everyone, with everything tied up all nice and neat.
gk has made it possible for me to work toward goals i never thought i had a chance of realizing. i am grateful to him for that, and for all he's put up with. i think he is making it possible for me to feel as fulfilled and happy as it is possible for me to feel.
how honest can i be? i want to work on my ideas and see where they lead, i don't want to give up. maybe it will be possible to feel i have finally expressed myself as well as i can, and i will feel ready to die. maybe it will somehow lead to new relationships, and/or a continuation of the past cycles. i don't know. i feel this embarrassment about myself. i don't want to come across as lacking self-awareness, but the situation really is very complicated, and i don't know if there's any point in even trying to explain further. i feel alone. i feel lonely. i have something concrete to concentrate on for now. i guess i'll get back to that. there is a lot of excitement related to it, in addition to all the rest.
04/03/03
i hate myself today. i feel extremely uncomfortable and disgusted with myself. i feel like i should try to write to explain some things better, but i don't want to. i want to try to concentrate on other things. i think i still have some weird hopes that i could enjoy sex in more than just a mild or intellectual sort of way. i think i feel a lot of guilt about not putting more effort into sex. i think i feel disappointment in myself. i think i also want things to feel natural, and that if there is effort to put in, i would like that to come naturally. i used to feel that it was natural to be able to communicate so much physically, without words, and i no longer feel confident about that at all. i hate that it seems like i'm totally disregarding the feelings, efforts, etc, of the partners i've had. i think i have trouble feeling close not because we haven't all tried to get close, not because any of us has been hiding things or are somehow not trying to understand each other, but because my experiences in life have resulted in thought and behaviour patterns that i know others can't really relate to. i feel alone because i feel i have so little control over myself, and i don't know how to justify it. i don't think anyone can accept my dependence, especially me, and i think it puts me in a position where i don't have much of a feeling of self-worth, stability or security, and i have the idea that i could only feel those things with someone who lives in a similar state of insecurity. those who have jobs, or some kind of somewhat secure position or focus in life, who are valued by others in their lives, who have even minor interests are intimidating or offputting to me, and i think it's difficult to get close. it's like i want to find one of my kind. i hate that i keep seeming to let my survival instinct make decisions about my life, when i think what i value is something completely different. it seems i have so little conscious control over anything. no one else does either, but they don't seem to realize it, and this seems to make me feel angry and alienated.
there is no neat and tidy way to tie up all of the uncomfortable thoughts i have right now. i want to scream, because i feel completely inarticulate. i hate writing! i hate talking, too. maybe not always, but right now i definitely do. i just want a feeling of peace, i want to find a way of expressing things that doesn't make me feel so fucking stupid and helpless. i don't really want anyone to read this, because it's all just the same old shit, but it's like there's this compulsion to try to release the pressure, to push through it and see if there's some way to get back to a feeling of peace and focus, if only for a while. i wish someone could comfort me, but it just doesn't seem to work that way. it seems i have to wallow hideously until i wear myself out and get to a different part of the cycle. i really resent it.