above is what my current wallpaper looks like, except full screen, on this computer, and on my new laptop. it's like i've internalized my red room to some extent, or something. i don't know what it means. it's possible i'm going to travel. i'm not sure where, yet. i'm thinking i will try to go places i've never gone before. and that as i travel, i may put up images and words, whatever i can manage, on my new site. gk has bought a new digital camera for work, and has given me his old one, the one i use for this site - it is almost 5 years old now. below you'll find two photos that depict what the room in which i work on this computer now looks like. er.. except for the computer, curtains and bed.
this room used to be all red, including ceiling: a rag-painted, blood-smeared womb. recently, i felt a very strong urge to repaint the room for gk, so that if i died or left he wouldn't have such a strong reminder of my presence and obsessiveness. (i sanded and polished this floor a couple of years ago, and also helped gk with the floors in other areas of the house) i did something very similar for jamie not long before we (officially) broke up. i covered up (painted over) the loud murals that were everywhere, that i had created a few years previously. i sanded the walls as well as i could, and tried to pick a colour scheme that fit jamie's personality.
after i painted my room, for some reason i had an urge to paint the whole house for gk. i don't know why, and i suppose going on about my lack of functionality may seem strange. i still feel non-functional, this all felt like an aberration, and i don't think i'm bipolar.. and mentally i find it extremely difficult to focus or concentrate.. maybe it was cathartic for me, or a way of cleaning my mind out, purifying myself or some weird kind of thing that fits my internal sense of preparation, or is a necessary part of some internal pattern or rhythm..
anyway. the house hadn't been painted in years, and was all in shades of peach. it felt like something i could do for gk, after all he's done for me. in all the time i'd been here, i'd avoided making any choices for the house, i always thought i was here temporarily and didn't want to override any of gk's choices for his house. i did the whole house in two weeks, while gk was away for work, and i think i did a pretty good job - a lot better than i did with jamie's apartment. including major cleaning. for example, there was mold everywhere. and it's a 3-bedroom house, with very high ceilings. in 32-34 C weather, every day. eating about 500 calories per day. it was kind of scary up high on the ladder, and it was freaking creaky as hell.. one day a medium-sized ladder actually collapsed while i was on it - i think somehow i had dislodged one of the side locks in transporting it - on one side, but i think my reflexes were good, and somehow it was like i jumped clear of it without having conscious awareness of what was happening. i bruised my shins a bit, and was a bit shaken, but pretty much ok, and didn't develop a ladder phobia.
/babble. sort of. i think the babble is partly to hide how scared i feel. i know things are changing. i don't know what will happen next.