03/05/03
she was always so needing
said 'i have no one'
even as i held her
she went out looking for someone
-my beautiful leah, pj harvey
(this song grates on my nerves a bit,
but i relate to some of the lyrics)
i'm currently obsessed. it's not pleasant. it's a pretty hopeless situation. i don't know what to do about it. i don't know how to make it stop. it hurts. i suppose that a diary is a perfect place to dump details about things like this, but i feel too depressed. but it's probably more than that. the language of obsession is complicated for me. when little bits slip out, i think i'm more likely to be misunderstood than not. it's related to my ways of linking seemingly unrelated concepts and information.
i think in a lot of ways i'm probably misunderstood. with the little bits that have escaped here and there so far, i can see that the most obvious interpretations might be reached, giving a misleading impression about my intent. if i try to explain in detail, though, it's like something might be lost through that effort. like it all might fall kind of flat, or not feel quite the same any more. i probably don't have that much control anyway. i will probably just express whatever i have the urge and energy to. i guess one thing that's maybe fairly boring about me is that i don't like to be purposely cruel or insensitive, and i tend to pay for it afterward if i do give in to such urges. most often i am not purposely cruel, although at times i may realize that there is a cruel aspect to something i am communicating (if i am attempting to communicate on various different levels at once), and i will accept it as part of the whole, something that adds complication/depth, but not as something that is my focus.
i can tell in advance who is likely to become an object of obsession. i think when other people develop crushes, it sneaks up on them slowly, and they don't realize they're 'in love' until things have progressed quite a lot. i think this happens in part because people don't notice subtle signals of attraction, and then as things progress they tell themselves 'this person couldn't possibly feel the same about me' and they disregard all evidence of mating preliminaries/behaviour in both themselves and the other person. or they just may not be aware of the changes in their own behaviour patterns. yes, of course i've been like that too. i just like to think i'm slightly more aware now. but who knows. i always feel so unsure about everything.
i tend to spot things early. even if i suspect that a person could never be interested in me, i realize that if they were, i'd probably become fairly seriously obsessed, and that this *could* potentially lead to me doing all kinds of unpredictable things, including dropping my current life on the spot (although it may not be likely i'd feel ready enough). i seem to feel a need to share this sort of information with gk (i did with jamie in the past as well) before my behaviour patterns become seriously obsessive.
i'm not sure what i hope to achieve by this. i think it's partly about fairness. it's a warning, so that gk will be aware of all this information beforehand, and won't be 'the last to know'. it's also partly about hating the self-deception in not recognizing my own patterns. it just bothers me, the idea that i'd be engaging in mating preliminaries without having conscious awareness, or without giving someone information about something that could potentially impact his life. maybe it's like i'm making it clear who i am, so that he has the choice about whether this behaviour will be acceptable or not, or about how he wants to deal with this information. about whether who i am is acceptable to him. i'd understand completely if he wanted me to leave. i'd understand hurt and anger. but maybe we could be accepting of each other, learn how to be true friends or family. and maybe what i want is someone to talk it through with me, and help me to focus on what i'm doing and understand if it's really what i want to do. it's probably also about relieving guilt, but for me it's a necessity. i really don't accept for myself that it's better to never tell. well, at least it doesn't work in my case. if i talk about it, it may actually diffuse the situation. obsession is more likely to grow into something serious if i keep it to myself. there is a better chance of me not screwing up the relationship i've got at present if i talk about things. although this might be an illusion. in any case, what i prefer is to try to explain as much as i can about myself in the hopes that i will be understood, in the hopes that i can have some kind of relationship that isn't like most of the others i've seen. if i can't kill myself, i think this is something that is worth effort.
both gk and jamie have seemed to feel sorry for me more than angry, hurt or jealous. i think they've realized that in most cases my obsessions are hopeless/unrequited, and/or that i suffer a lot over them. but i wonder.. i mean, it just seems too simple, other than the fact that a lot of anxiety, guilt and fear has to be dealt with in order to expose my feelings to gk. there must be some reason people don't normally talk about things like this, right? do my partners accept what i say because it makes them feel less guilt about some of what they secretly think about or do? jamie did not follow my example. he kept things secret, and let me find out in a fairly nasty way. he also told some fairly cruel lies. did he just think i was extremely gullible? the thing was, i trusted the openness of our communication, so i didn't think he'd lie. but maybe he wanted to be caught. so, did he suppress his hurt and jealousy, and then just pay me back later? was it just about lack of self-awareness or lack of much thought at all on his part? was it about trying to hold onto the relationship you've got until you can be sure of the next one? but why behave like that when *i* was so open? i was open, when it seemed i had more to lose.
it seems fairly obvious to me that my obsessions develop because i'm not really interested in much, don't have much to do with my time, and i keep seeking some kind of feedback or approval that would make me feel acceptable. i don't see how this can ever change, except if i die. but gk accepts me, right? i guess that i don't really feel that way. it all feels temporary. i feel that he likes some parts of me, but not in the ways i think i need, or that he doesn't at all like the things i want someone to like, or somehow things would be different. there wouldn't be this waiting, this feeling of powerlessness. i feel a lot of guilt about feeling this way, at times, but i care for him more than anyone else, and i don't want to hurt him. i have tried as hard as i am capable of, and know i can't make myself be different from what i am. and so i guess for now gk accepts things, but it doesn't seem realistic to me that this could continue.
i'm guessing i'm coming across as fairly calm, not really obsessed. i just feel so defeated by it. i tried very hard to be rational about it, and i feel defeated because i just can't seem to behave rationally. i can't seem to control what i feel. maybe i'm not completely obsessed at present, but i do definitely feel caught up in something that i don't know how to control.
09/01/05: i've been aware for a while that my patterns were changing, that my behaviour was different and that what all of this signalled was that possibly i would find myself obsessed again. i felt that i didn't want it to happen. i go on about how obsession feels like my natural state, and i guess i still feel that way, but even though my life is boring and painful, i haven't really felt that i wanted to be obsessed. at least not yet. i think because i've been feeling that i'd rather do other things than have to cope with the fallout again. and i think at present i wouldn't be able to enjoy any of what i usually enjoy about an obsessed state. maybe it's that i don't feel ready, or would just rather do other things for a while. but maybe it's always that way, though, and it always sort of sneaks up on me like this.
there is someone i find myself thinking about, who i have a wish for contact with. except for little flashes, it's still vague or unfocused. i don't see where things could go with this person. but the little flashes are intense and focused enough that i realize i could find myself feeling completely out of control. at any time.
there is someone who i think may wish for contact with me, although this wish may be unconscious, and/or vague, undefined. i think he may be trying to get my attention, although i realize that i may have lost touch with reality and that i may be reading things into coincidences. sometimes i think it's one person, while sort of hoping it's another. whatever the reality of the situation, my mind seems to be thinking it's possible someone wants to try to get my attention, but can't do it directly because he knows the situation is hopeless.
as for the person i think it's most likely to be: we've had contact before. i know he experiences a lot of pain and loneliness. while he probably sees the futility in reaching out to me, that he knows it won't help ultimately, the pain is so great that he's like a person undergoing torture and he can't control the need for comfort, or the way it comes out. he knows what i want in interaction, and knows that his patterns are likely to play with my emotions and insecurities, but he can't control the pain, or the need.
i think also in the past even after 'endings' with him that seemed final, we've somehow picked things up again, and i think that some of my reactions, my initial reactions, have been welcoming in a way he didn't expect, or were sort of extreme. he didn't know if i'd welcome contact, or maybe he thought i hated him, and so when i sort of pounced on the opportunity, and admitted all kinds of extreme feelings, while it might not have been what he wanted, it was at least not harsh criticism.
i think it's a natural reaction to seek 'positive' feedback or attention, and that it's natural to seek comfort, and if you have to put who you really are and what you really want to the side, when you are confronted by what someone else wants out of contact with you, maybe sometimes it's necessary in order to relieve a little of the pain momentarily, or to even distract yourself momentarily in whatever ways seem open to you.
and i guess it can become a nightmare when you're only trying to heal yourself in whatever ways you can, and suddenly you find that in doing so you're somehow hurting another person. i guess if you're aware in ways others are not, and if you've suffered in certain ways, you become very conscious about not wanting to inflict suffering on others, and you can find yourself in a very precarious situation when trying to hold on to whatever comfort you can find while hiding the things about yourself that may cause pain and/or cause others to lash out at you and reinforce your negative self-image.
in my experiences with the medical field, i've understood what it's like to feel you have to protect yourself at all costs from those who may not actually wish you ill, but who do not really know enough or care enough about your individual situation to help you or prevent themselves from just making things worse for you. i can project this, so that i can see how some people can experience something like this in their day-to-day lives, in their interactions with people. i think i can understand a level of fear that causes a kind of survival mechanism to kick in, depending on what a person's experiences have been, and how those experiences were interpreted and how they felt to that person.
it should be a good thing to be attracted to diversity, to all sorts of different qualities in people. that's my thinking. i know that one of my big issues in life revolves around that. when growing up, i couldn't see how to pick one person, so many different people were interesting in their own particular ways. and as time went on, even though i seemed to focus on one person at a time mainly, there wasn't really any reason to pick one person over another. i always seemed to view my interactions as me living out certain parts of my personality in more detail, maybe getting to know myself, life, people - learning - but that no person seemed to 'fit' who i was in totality. i think that was in large part because i didn't have more than a very vague idea of who i was. i eventually learned to articulate all of this a bit more. i've said it so many times, that people seem to become romantically involved with the first person who fits a certain minimum of criteria that has been preset by genetics and experiences. i guess sometimes that a person can become attracted to a variety of people who fit a certain minimum of criteria, all at once, and have trouble narrowing down the selection. or may find that as circumstances change, as nothing is stable, that certain people fit different times and circumstances, and not be able to see how to pick one to fit all times and circumstances.
i think i keep looking for a reason to pick one person. and sometimes, it's like i wait for someone to see something in me that helps me to see who i am in a way i like, and if that person chooses me, then it would be a way of dealing with the whole dilemma. but it sort of seems like something would still be missing, that somehow i need to see and understand myself better, and that i need to be capable of spotting and choosing someone myself, not just waiting for someone to choose me.
i think the whole issue becomes more difficult if being attracted to diversity also entails being attracted to various people at once, without being able to choose someone, or if you don't even see a reason to choose, and maybe even resent the idea that life has to be that way, that you have to choose. [i don't think it has to be that way, but if you want a variety of people in your life, my approach would be that it would be necessary to be open about it, so that you'd attract people who would be more accepting of it.] if you want to keep all of these people in your life, each filling different needs. nothing helping in the broader sense, but needing maybe to express different parts of who you are and what you want. and if the others involved knew the full extent of the contact with the others and might take themselves out of the picture, or treat you harshly out of hurt, i can see how it would be natural to want to avoid that situation. and also how a person might want time. time to figure it all out, make decisions, learn about who they are and what they want.
but if i am one of the people in a situation like that, and don't realize it, and then later on realize it, it's going to be very difficult for me. it's like my whole life is set up around not putting others in that kind of position, and not wanting to be in that kind of position myself. i want there to be a reason someone chooses me. and so my way of dealing with that has been to think that maybe someone out there has details and genetics and experiences that cause them to be prejudiced in ways that cause them to find me to be what they are looking for, and that i will react similarly to this person. i give everyone the kind of information that i would want myself, as much information as possible that would help them to decide if i am what they are looking for, so that we can figure it out more quickly. and if i'm one of a group of prospects, even if i find other members of the group exceptional and i see it as something of a compliment to be included in the group, i'll long to be in a situaton where i can stand out more. being trapped in a situation where i'm one of the diverse things attracting a particular person, knowing the other person isn't going to talk about it, but feels a need to keep things to himself so that he can look at things undisturbed, so that he can provide an illusion of not rejecting or hurting anyone... it's not going to work for me.
it's pretty much *exactly* what i'm trying to avoid. :> and if i explain in detail why certain behaviours and certain kinds of lies feel like 'rape' to me, and the person goes ahead with it anyway, what it feels like to me is that my feelings don't matter, or that the person somehow judges me as too stupid to understand. maybe i am too stupid to understand, but i think i try to be open. the only way i know how to approach it is to ask for more information. starting points, so that i can start to feel my way around the subject.
i was watching a late night video program here not too long ago, and i saw something that looked like an inexpensively made independent video, and it really reminded me of the situation. it shows a street, and travelling along the street for quite a ways until a house at the end of the street comes into focus, and a girl is standing outside the house singing, and then there's a rewind and the camera is moving back and everything goes out of focus, and this whole process repeats several times.
(the song is 'things between people' by holly throsby) some of the lyrics i remember off the top of my head (which i may have remembered wrongly):
...he reels me in and he reels me out again...
...so he takes out all his women and he does not feel a thing, and he thinks there's something missing or there's something wrong with him...
...he doesn't know where his friends stop and his lovers begin...
...he says he cannot be around me, because god knows it hurts, but he cannot stay away because it's much, much worse...
...he reels me in, and he reels me out again...
...he reels her in, and he reels her out again...
and every day feels the same...
i think so much about my life has been about trying to break these sorts of patterns. to not participate in them. when i recognize them, to either do what i can to try to change them, or escape them.
the way holly sings this song is so gentle, not judgmental. and i think she represents the kind of person who might be accepting enough to make some kind of difference, to be a sort of comfort over time.
and sometimes, i think that if i can recognize things like this, maybe i can be of use to others, maybe what i can offer is acceptance. but i'm not stable in that sort of way, and i keep wanting to seek a relationship in which i am more of a focus. it's just the way i am made. and if someone hasn't 'ruled me out' totally yet, and wants me to stick around while he figures it out, or if i have been ruled out, but i provide some kind of social support that is necessary, i need to stress that for me, just knowing i am in that situation without being able to discuss it decides the whole issue for me.
when i think of the people who have lied to me, i look at each situation individually. in the end, i think i come to think that each person probably didn't really have a choice, considering who they were. when i think of jamie, yes, it was disappointing, and hurt me a lot, but right from the start, i did sense that we were different in fundamental ways, and that there were some things about him i didn't or wouldn't respect if i could see them clearly. i wanted to get away, but i wasn't strong enough. i don't think what he shared with me can be dismissed though because of that. he listened to me for hours and hours, week after week, year after year, and the amount of support, compassion and kindness he offered can't ever be dismissed. in a way, maybe we both used each other, because neither of us was strong.
the person i find myself developing obsessive feelings for is not the person i've mainly been writing about today. considering all i've written, i suppose what comes across is that i've been thinking about the person i've written about a lot. that's true. but when i look at where the obsessive feelings are being projected, it's like they don't want to go in his direction this time, that something has changed. they can't go in his direction, because the sorts of unknowns that i fantasize about to fuel the obsessive feelings aren't unknowns to me now.
he's such an unusual person, beautiful in so many ways. i think it's difficult to really look at him and not think 'wow'. it's just that i don't want to go back. we tried as much as we could think of, and neither of us can be satisfied. we couldn't find any way of interacting, on any level, that worked out for us. or at least that's true for me. i put a lot of myself into that interaction, and i was badly hurt. that's not his fault. i did learn more about myself and what i value, and maybe somehow as a result i might become better at articulating and focusing on what i'm looking for, and won't put anyone in the future through as much.
i want to honour my past relationships. when people share their emotions, and some of the hidden parts of themselves with you, i think it's something to respect and cherish, in whatever ways you are capable of.
i don't want to have to deny my feelings or hide what certain people have meant to me.
partly i want to write all of this out as a kind of message, in case the person i'm writing about doesn't know how i view things now. partly i want to write all of this out for someone else, to help them understand my approach to life and relationships. maybe hoping that part of it represents some of what someone out there is prejudiced toward liking or respecting.
attraction is such an unpredictable thing. i realize that many times a lot of what i say may be clear to others, but a person may be attracted to me even if they realize they don't want what i want or even relate to what i say at all. that's happened to me, also. i've been attracted to people i don't consciously relate to at all on very important levels. sometimes i guess you just have to go with it, until you figure out enough about it to understand the attraction better, to understand yourself better.
the person that i'm currently beginning to project my feelings onto. a 'safe' person who will never return my feelings, such that i can wallow in obsessed feelings without confrontations or hurt? maybe. an unknown person i'm currently confusing with someone in particular? maybe i'll talk about it more when i'm ready.