08/04/03
i went in for my blood test yesterday. still feeling a bit nervous. and extremely depressed at the same time. i go to pick up the results in 3 days. my motivation is not holding up very well, but maybe i will feel differently in a few days. i think it's likely that since i've made it for the blood test that i will try to hold myself together to get the results, and perhaps discuss with my doctor the fact that i'm still losing hair. i think my temperature sensitivity has changed, though. i don't seem to become cold as easily. the stress of being in public is very difficult for me at present. it takes an enormous amount of energy to handle it.
i think i want someone to tell me that it's ok if i slip. that they trust that there's something in me that really does still want to do what i was aiming at, and that it honestly seems like i'm moving closer to it (in the last year, i've spent a total of approximately 6 months of working toward what i think i want. i've had setbacks, some big ones, but this is *considerably* more effort than i've put in for a very long time for anything, and i do have many intermittently expanding ideas to try to work on.), and that it's ok for me to follow my own internal rhythm. i suppose that just sounds like a rationalization for indulging in addiction. it's just that right now i feel so much pressure, and i feel so depleted. every day is a horrible torture and it doesn't seem like there is *any* release in sight. i want to be accepted, even at my worst, and i know that's not realistic or rational. i know that a little slip can easily end up lasting a month instead of a few days. i just don't know if it's humanly possible for me to continue on and on with no relief at all. i just don't have anything to look forward to. and if someone were to point out all the recent horrible physical and emotional effects of the behaviour, i'd have to say that there is still something i get out of it, something i think i need. and if someone were to point out that i'd have the pride and satisfaction of having completed what i set out to do if i didn't give in, my response is that when i've completed things in the past, it did give me something of a feeling of satisfaction, but the feelings of torture were still there, the need for release was still there, just as strong. it's like sometimes i've tried so hard that all the joy is sucked out of actual accomplishment. i have no energy left to enjoy anything, or i'm too depressed.
i think i'm still trying, and i think i'm moving toward what i want. i think i will try to be accepting of myself, but realize that my behaviour is hard on others, and that realistically it may be more than anyone can handle.
[14/01/05: there's this sense of escalation somehow, but i'm outside of it still. in part there's a sense of unreality for me.
brain patterns. i can remember so much of what people say/write. and when i match that up against things i write, and when memories are triggered and i factor in what i've observed about personal rhythms, and what i've picked up about the ways people process information, their capacities, and what they value, what things trigger certain responses in them, etc... it's like i think i know how certain people would mean certain words or combinations of words and concepts. but i know that certain combinations would mean different things when it came to different people.
weak points. technically. there are some things that i'm not sure how possible they are, or how to go about them myself. but noticing patterns that remind me of brain patterns. just vaguely. offhand, i can think of one concrete way, a weak area where a person could gain access. something i've been aware of for a long time, but didn't address probably because on an unconscious or even not so unconscious level i didn't mind the idea of someone figuring it out. another weak point is in not being sure of how well i can trust my perceptions. because i might be likely to blow certain things out of proportion when there might be reasonable explanations.
also. thinking about: cross-referencing. the extent of awareness.
is it all interesting as a sort of game. something to do as a distraction, or a direction to follow because it's a novelty and there's a chance, a unique opportunity to demonstrate certain abilities, a certain kind of intelligence or understanding. a challenge. and also, a way of wanting to be caught and somehow freed from a lonely prison, even if it seems hopeless. wanting the creativity, the ingeniousness and even daring of the approach to be appreciated, even though part of what it may be covering up is vulnerability, fear, insecurity and lack of ability to trust on various levels. even if it's all unconscious. and if it might be a kind of cry for help. and in that sense i can see the patterns, i can see what the words mean, but the similarities don't reach me, can't reach the core. not that i mind that these factors might be part of the whole. i admit, i like the idea of someone trying to communicate in a language that i will respond to, trying to adapt, trying to find a way in. a for effort.
and i also understand that it might be something stumbled upon accidentally, or just a way of reaching out that started unconsciously.
there's more that i could say but don't feel secure enough, or ready.
there are potentially places to look for more info, but i can't right now.