13/03/03
a new brain was recently donated to my computer. when the new video card and everything was put in, i looked at my screen in horror. some images i had processed with the old brain/card looked a lot different, and it really freaked me out. there was this feeling of having no control, no way of knowing how to compensate for every single monitor out there that might possibly view my page, and i didn't want to try. i have now made changes to my transition photo to make it appear as it appeared to me before my computer was upgraded (the text colour of the page will have to be adjusted, but maybe i'll get to that soon). so, i've adjusted it for myself, not knowing how the hell it appears to anyone else, or how it has appeared to others before now, and not knowing how other images i've processed look/will look to anyone else. i guess it goes to show yet again that unless you're truly talented, gorgeous, etc, the wrong lighting really shows you how hideous you are. haha.. or that with new knowledge, a more 'powerful' brain, etc, all of the old stuff just looks like the crap it is. ..a thought which makes me feel fairly self-conscious about writing anything.
aside from that, i'm feeling nervous about the new people checking me out, and while i think i might have wanted it in a way, it's like now all of a sudden i'm so embarrassed about myself that i don't want anyone to look at me, and don't know if i should offer pointers to the most relevant stuff, if i should remove everything that embarrasses me, which is probably almost everything, or just accept that i am irritating in a lot of ways and that no one could help but be annoyed by me, and just continue on as before, as well as i can.
aside from that..
i'm so deluded, and feel like an idiot. i question my motivations, and think that when viewed from certain angles i was overlooking, my motives look pretty revolting. i don't understand how i can be so blind when i think i'm at least somewhat aware of what's going on below the surface. i was thinking one way, and then all of a sudden it's like a brick wall falls on me, and i realize the motives behind certain behaviours, and what my thought patterns actually were and what i didn't want anyone to know. and then the unrelenting feverish longing, and now it's all so overwhelming that i don't know how to hide it, especially not from my conscious mind. i think i'm very interested in sex when i thought i wasn't, but i just WANT IT TO STOP. ARGGGHHH.
i'm not doing very well. (UNDERSTATEMENT.) the best i can do is say that i'm experiencing a lot of strange stresses that i'm finding overwhelming. i can try to write to untangle some of it, but i'm not sure it's going to help. i've already spent so much time talking to gk, and he feels bad that he hasn't been able to help, and i feel overwhelmed with guilt. i'm not sure, but i think he actually *has* helped in a way. i think part of what i need is for someone to go to extreme lengths to show they care, and he definitely does that.. i think it's related to how i need feedback and interaction, and how he is the only person in my life and there's no way one person could provide all i need, unless that person wants to kill me or commit suicide with me.
unfortunately, when i've gone for long periods without much feedback, i think i eventually settle into old obsessive patterns. it's like a kind of emotional and psychological starvation leads me to fixate on sexual starvation, and i focus this on a person - the only one who can give me what i need. and since one of the only things i seem to know how to do is interact with men, i think i eventually either send out signals or start blatantly chasing someone. i think at present i'm starting to send out signals.
just as i got through writing about how i'm not attracted to anyone and that i don't know what it would take to make me feel attracted to anyone, i was again immediately reminded of how out of touch i am with what's going on subconsciously. what it takes is this: for someone to show even a mild interest in me, with part of that interest being sexual. it doesn't even have to be based in reality.. if i can find some pretext that helps me imagine it's *possible* that a person feels this way, i can easily find that i'm feeling obsessive feelings that i have no control over. what i think is this: when i think i have some kind of 'power', whether that's sexual or emotional, to make a person think about me, it's like that's the only way in life i can feel i have any power at all. most or all of my obsessions have been based on me imagining things about another person that have no basis in reality. no one *ever* thinks about me as much as i think about them. everyone has more power than me.
i'm dreaming a lot about sex lately. part of this is related to a real-life problem. it's been difficult for gk and i to have a regular sex life, because i keep getting outbreaks. at first, i thought maybe it was related to huge life stresses, like the breakup of my relationship with jamie and all the details involved with that, with coming over to australia to meet gk, and then all of the visa and marriage stuff.. and then adjusting to a new country.
at first, i just waited for my body to adjust to the life stresses, and when i had outbreaks, i channelled my sexual energy into doing things for gk. but i kept getting outbreaks. and i tried to find reasons. like the stresses seemed to be ongoing. or it was my coffee addiction, so i went through coffee detox numerous times. but why did i feel the need to keep going back to coffee when i knew it might have an effect on my sex life? and i suspected that i just didn't really want to have sex, and that it was not just that coffee gave me energy to help me cope with daily stresses. at this point, it's like i feel depleted. i feel like i just can't do things for gk when i have an outbreak. maybe it's selfishness, and maybe it's about deeper issues in our relationship. i feel a lot of guilt about all of this.
i'm not sure, but i think it's possible that the moment i start to have sexual feelings of any kind, i immediately repress them, because i know i can't do anything about them or because we have to be so careful. there's not much spontanaeity. it's not that gk wouldn't do things for me if he could. when i have an outbreak, i have to try to avoid even gentle masturbation, because any kind of manual stimulation seems to end up prolonging an outbreak. it is worse if gk attempts it, but even if i attempt it, there's usually a problem. i can reach an arousal level just by daydreaming where it is possible for me to have an orgasm within a few seconds of very gently stroking my clitoris, but apparently even *this* is too much friction/excitement/disturbance for my body and makes it want to prolong my fucking outbreak. i have also tried g-spot stimulation where i'm as gentle as possible, trying not to disturb anything external, and even though i can have a g-spot orgasm within seconds of when i start the stimulation (at first when i was just discovering how the g-spot works, it took a lot firmer pressure and more time and concentration than it does now, and in fact now it's trivially easy - again, it's probably to do with arousal level), this also can seem to prolong my fucking outbreak. and so i can't even compromise enough to get a quick release, and possibly the need for repression has something to do with why i have all these fucking wet dreams all the time. i'm exaggerating. i have periods when they stop, but there are also periods when it seems like there's a lot of them. i don't know how common they are with most people, although i haven't heard of them occurring much in adults. it's only in the last few years that they've become more and more frequent. before that, i think they only occurred like once or twice a year or so, but back then i was only getting outbreaks like 3-4 times a year, and they were always mild and over quick.
reading all of that, i feel more guilt. it's like somehow i don't want to take responsibility for something, like i'm not helping gk enough or something. i think the problem is complicated. i think it's difficult for me being dependent on gk, and knowing he has more ties to life than me and that basically i have no security whatsoever, and also knowing that i just don't want more ties to life. i think also that i just can't come to terms with being in a reasonable relationship. i want ONE person to fill all my unreasonable needs. and i want passion, extremeness, excess, a feeling of addiction, etc. (gk and i *have* discussed all of this and realize that there's no real solution, and that all we can do is make the most out of being together for now) i also want to be with someone who has herpes or something similar or who doesn't care if he gets it, and wants to die anyway and then maybe somehow i wouldn't feel the need to be so vigilant about spotting signs and not prolonging outbreaks, and could finally just relax. although i suspect that if i was extremely excited and having a lot of sex that that would also trigger outbreaks.
so what am i dreaming these days? ok, a few samples. note: i omit many unusual details and things that make a dream more complex and interesting in an attempt to get to the main part of it. i've spent a lot of time analyzing dreams, and i feel at this point i know what i want to share with others and what i do not, and can do this without being dishonest, or without losing the gist of things, but other people may feel differently about that assessment. ok, after i wrote all that stuff about how i wasn't attracted to anyone, these are the dreams i had:
1): i'm on a crowded subway, the only woman. i am thinking about how i am not attracted to anyone. i look around at the men. some of them are huge, very muscular, and their facial features are 'ideal'. they seem to take up so much space. there are other types of men.. men reading, quiet men, men with thoughtful faces, etc. some of the types overlap. i am thinking to myself that i can see what's attractive about many of these men, but that i am not attracted to any of them. i feel so detached. as i am about to leave the subway, i am standing near the exit. one of the men reaches from behind me and puts his arms around me. there is so much tenderness in the gesture, and it's also very sensual. i remember him. he is not big and muscular. he has a thoughtful face. the contact causes an intense sexual rush, but i make no outward sign and do not turn around to face him. as i leave the subway train, i am hoping he will follow me, but i give no sign and he does not follow. my whole body feels like it is on fire. [when i woke up from that dream, i couldn't shake off that feeling all day.]
2): i am masturbating while looking in the mirror. i am thinking that maybe i don't need breast implants after all, that my breasts may not be quite as small as i think. i am thinking that my body is very beautiful. there is a particular person i'm thinking of, and i think about sending him unusual and beautiful photos of me masturbating while thinking of him. or just thinking of him, because there's not much difference. this causes me to have an orgasm.
3): peter is the centre of my dream. i badly want to have sex with him. i notice that his skin seems almost to glow with some kind of concentrated sexual essence that reminds me of youth and all of the diversity in life, and i am fascinated by it. i want to touch his skin. it's like i sense that by touching it the barriers will dissolve and i will realize that i am already under his skin, moving through him, producing the glow and warmth that attracts me. i am not sure, but i think that my skin might appear the same to him, only he doesn't want me to know. i *can* sense that he wants to touch me. my sister is in the dream, and so is another woman who might be a lesbian. my sister is half- undressed, and the other woman is perhaps completely naked or close to it and they are both trying, perhaps only subconsciously, to draw peter's attention to their vaginas. they both seem somewhat vulnerable and unsure of themselves, in different ways. i can see them both being attractive to peter in different ways. i do not feel insecure, jealous or sentimental. i know that peter would fuck anything he had a chance at, but i do not care. at this moment, i just want him to fuck ME, and i feel frustrated that he is making me wait.
i was feeling overwhelmed by sexual feelings, until i discussed what i was feeling with gk. i suppose there is some truth to the idea that an obsession can't take hold and grow if it's brought out into the light and examined, especially when examination shows that it's not based on much of anything. is it that gk has enough background information about me that it doesn't make him feel bad or jealous to hear these things? he says that it's almost like he feels relieved when i do share these things with him. he also says he's always known and maybe just accepts that one day i will leave him for an obsessive love or to kill myself, the latter seeming much more realistic to him. maybe the way i explain things does make it clear about why i am as i am, and why i seem to want the things i want. i think he feels sympathy for all of the torture i go through, and feels it would only be unfair to get angry at me. while i see his point, i don't think that what *he* goes through should be dismissed as unimportant just because i draw attention to my own sufferings so dramatically. i already think i've put him through so much that will catch up one day, and eventually, he will know he's had enough, and his survival instinct will lead him back to life.
i'm still floundering, and i'm trying to find a way through it. these chaotic feelings are a distraction. i *think* they're occurring because i'm a bit 'starved' at the moment, but if i resort to old patterns and find someone to give me the feedback and excitement i'm craving, i think too much of my creative energy is going to go into that. i'm not sure, but i think somehow i have to figure out a way to fill the hole myself, or patch it temporarily, channel everything into creativity, realize that this is not a problem that is going to go away, but that maybe i can put it on hold for now. does that seem realistic?
when i'm sexually obsessed, day and night my whole body feels weak and feverish, and i have the feeling that the slightest touch from the object of my obsession would result in uncontrollable convulsions and frightening animal sounds and possibly worse. it's like i'm incapacitated with desire. i don't want to do anything but think of the person, and i loop the thoughts over and over, the ones that produce the most intense sensations. this is the only way i seem able to link sexual and emotional responses in a way that seems close to what i want. my idea has always been that if the person was obsessed with me in a similar way, if i wasn't anxious or insecure, and if there was natural chemistry on various levels, there would be the possibility of finding out what it would be like to live my responses out in real life, that when i finally had contact with such a person, i would get to experience what i've always vaguely imagined is possible for me.
except it doesn't seem very realistic to me.
anyway. after talking to gk, i have conflicting feelings, which are adding to the chaos. i feel deflated and depressed in relation to my delusions, although relieved that i am accepted and wanted by gk in spite of how monstrously self-absorbed i am. i *am* emotionally bonded to him in some way, and this is evident when we talk, and it's evident in a lot that we do together. but it seems likely to me that it could slip away in an instant, or that i'm already allowing it to slip away, in part by posting diary entries like this, and maybe it will only *seem* sudden when it happens. on the other hand, i can't hide who i am, and maybe it's inevitable that i will drive even him away.
i'm struggling to figure out how to pick myself up and not dwell on any of this. it can't be forced. it's like i have to work through it so painfully slowly. ok, so maybe no one is currently obsessed with me. maybe no one will ever be. and maybe no one will ever be able to hold onto any kind of positive feelings for me for long. i vaguely remember having some sort of creative goals? and even just recently it didn't seem to be an issue to me that no one was obsessed with me? and i seemed willing to just see what gk and i could get out of life together for now? can we somehow get back to that kind of a state? it takes so much energy to focus on what i think i want, especially when the ground beneath my feet keeps shifting. it's hard to think of anything as important. or when there's a sudden shift and you suddenly see all you're hiding from yourself (or all you're putting on hold), all that lies in wait..
i think it's worth it to me to try to deal with all of this, to try to find some way of processing the chaos without destroying everything. as much as i find myself tempted to fall into old patterns of coping, and as much as i feel myself tempted to see just how destructive i can be, maybe it can all wait a bit? maybe i can try to focus my energy for a little longer, and then if i want to break down, or court rejection or be as destructive as i want, i can just let it all fly? arghh. the thing is, i know how to think it out rationally, but i don't feel like i really have control. i feel scared, and i don't know what will help.
it's like i just want to break down babbling please help me please help me, or i just want someone to love me, or something similar. i don't want to give any more time or energy to this chaos, but i'm feeling crushed under it all, and i don't know how to come up with the necessary motivation to get myself out from under it. i'm *really* trying. but so many times, i've just let it all go, all the effort. if i could find the motivation to continue on this time, it would be different from the other times. maybe not completely different, because i think i've put in massive efforts before and seen them through to completion. i don't expect that this time i will come up with something noticeably 'better', but i think i've got a clearer goal this time, one more related to who i think i am.
i think i'm at some kind of critical point.