15/05/03
the pain in my head is excruciating. i caved yet again, when i was doing so well. gk had to go away for work. he will be gone a lot in the next couple of months. i went out and bought coffee and various other things. i feel like i'm going to lose consciousness from the pain. i'm also extremely nauseated. when i was vomiting earlier i had horrible shooting pains in my head. i can't focus. somebody help me. please.
i had to email one of my brothers to get the scan of my mother. he responded quickly, and it wasn't unfriendly, but we stayed on the surface. i felt this pressure. i used capitalization, because i was afraid if i just used lower case my request might not be taken seriously, that it might just look like drool running down the chin of a crazy person. i think they expect me to write well, to use good grammar and to flex my vocabulary. i feel crushed by the weight of imagined expectations. i am not who they think i am. on the one hand, i think they all think i'm irrational, and that i've never been 'quite right'. but on the other, there's still the past achievements haunting me, and they maybe still expect me to be that person. maybe this website would really freak them out. i honestly don't know. i have not had much contact in recent years, but on the rare occasions i've written, i have usually used lower case. i've had the impression that i haven't come across clearly or coherently, but i could be wrong, and it could just be related to the awkwardness of communication.
i wonder if my brother would feel used and dismayed to discover what i wanted the scan for. i've decided not to worry about it. to just do what it occurs to me to do. i've written so much on this website that embarrasses me, but when i feel like writing about whatever now, i just do it. maybe it helps somewhat. not to make me feel less suicidal. but just in giving me something to do, for a moment. i'm just desperately, frantically grasping at anything i can.
i'm hoping to put things i like better on my new site.
i don't want to go outside. the world seems so cold and alien to me. if i have to go out to go shopping, it's like i just don't want to go. gk goes shopping every couple of days, for just a couple of things at a time. i can't shop that way. i don't like shopping in the daytime. i don't want to have to go shopping so often. it's just so depressing when you never leave the house except to go shopping. i just can't bear that kind of thing. and other than shopping, there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave the house.
i'm supposed to put out the garbage bins today, including the recycle one, but i don't even feel like i can deal with that. it's not like the garbage is piling up or smells. it's not really that big a deal to leave it. i can't deal with taking out the stuff to the compost heap either. there is a dog that always barks like mad, and i don't feel that i can bear to draw attention to myself.
i tried to go clothes shopping some months ago. i even went to all the places that intimidated me, but that i wanted to try. gk and i attacked it all methodically. we drove by some places at night when everything was deserted so i could prepare myself psychologically beforehand, so i had some idea of what to expect. and in the end, it was still so hard, and i found a few things i liked, but all in all, i hadn't got what i needed, and i felt unfocused, lost. it's like i can see clothes that are attractive, but for one reason or another they just don't seem right to me. like everything else. but i think part of the problem is that i don't want clothes that are available to everyone.
part of it is that i find so many of the fabrics that are readily available vile. i've bought my share of them in the past, because shopping's been so hard to cope with, but i really don't want to any more. i have this pair of black silk drawstring pajama pants that are now torn and falling apart. i want another pair just like them, the way they used to be. they are still so soft, so comfortable, though. i don't know much about silk, but this type is really nice to touch, it feels so good against the skin. i have looked all over, and haven't been able to find anything comparable.
about obsession. i have been thinking fuck i hope it's not too late, i don't want to lose gk. what i have with him is real, the caring he shows me is real, maybe he sees me better than i see myself and still accepts me, and the other is based on nothing real, it's just me seeking some kind of approval and attention i will never be able to get from this person, this person is barely aware of my existence. i want to break the pattern. but do people end up wanting me to die because they don't want to see me suffer any more, and because they just don't know what to do with me, will that happen with gk? that's such a scary thing, to have people feel that way, and to not know exactly when it starts. to listen for murmurs, to look for signs, feeling left out of important parts of communication. what is real?