15/07/02
i can leave the irrationalities, the unfairness and the unexplained thoughts dangling. i will let him think what he wants. in my estimation, no true understanding is possible, and i can't make myself care enough to worry about tying up loose ends. i have no more sentimental feelings, no more longing, no more feelings of attraction. i've recently experienced some new sensations: disgust. revulsion. the feeling that i have been slimed. these reactions may be grossly unfair, but i am trying not to judge them. they seem to be quickly fading into detachment. it's possible that in order to break free, i had to experience such extremely negative things. he's still an interesting person. i can't invalidate the relationship, or say it was nothing to me. there were some very intense feelings involved, there was pleasure, there was intimacy, and to me, it was worth it to try to connect.
if i set aside all of the resentments and misunderstandings and just focus on the main issue for me, i think the problem is that i'm still searching for a kind of soulmate, however ridiculous that may be, and want to concentrate my emotional energy on that.
this is tricky, because i don't want to place blame.. i feel off-balance when the 'wrong' person won't 'let me go' so that i can find the person i'm looking for. now, i realize that is unfair.. i know i'm perfectly free to go, it's just that it's complicated. i made the decision to go long ago, because i had come to the conclusion that neither of us could get what we wanted with each other, but my personality seems to require a clean break, and once i've expended effort in making that break, if the other person does anything to draw me back in, it can be difficult for me to remain clear about my position. in this case, messages left on a webpage for me, messages that hurt because they showed so little understanding of me.. sort of brought up all that was unresolved. i wasn't strong enough to resist the various pulls: the old feelings of attraction and longing, the desire to really understand what went wrong, and to clear up some things about my thinking, and the vain hope that maybe this time we could work through it all..
but he must feel free to express whatever he feels the need to express, without having to worry it will cause a problem for me. i accept that completely, and have found a way of coping.
i think there's this internal survival-type mechanism that's been activated. i know now that i just don't want to deal with this relationship any more. it's over.