18/03/04
i am never posting to usenet again. heh. the stress is just too overwhelming, and i don't want to put myself through that kind of thing. i think it's impossible for me to ever relax about how i express things in group situations. i can always see too much that i don't like or would do differently afterward. and i hate it when i can see areas that might hurt certain people or seem inconsiderate, like i haven't given certain people any thought at all. i also don't like giving misleading impressions, or getting things muddled somehow. even minor things, like forgetting it's no longer summer here, but autumn. i mean, that's forgiveable, the seasons here aren't as clearly delineated, and currently most people where i used to live would consider the weather here very summer-like. why am i focusing on this when there were worse things to address in my post? because i'm too embarrassed to focus on the other things, point them out.
i think with getting rid of my tarot cards it's like there's now an extra void to fill, i feel even more lost, even less self-sufficient, even more lonely. it's interesting in a way, and i guess i did sort of suspect how much i was relying on them.
i do feel like i want to have someone to talk to, or be with, or something, and like i want to be comforted, held, but it's like i don't feel i have the energy to cope with all the stress that might make it possible to find someone, and it seems unlikely anyone is going to approach me for some time, maybe a very long time, maybe no one will ever attempt communication with me again, and if they do, maybe i've completely lost the ability to adapt, or through the years i've continued to mutate in directions that make it impossible to find enough common ground with anyone.
it seems simple enough, though. i have a place here, where i can talk if i want to talk, when i'm ready. it does seem that as time goes on my options are shrinking, and that my potential for coping with new interactions is also shrinking, and that i may have to retreat further and further into myself, and realize that i'm not really coming back out. in a way, i do like that i can come here, at least, to describe that as it's happening, if i want to, if i have the energy.
ok, all that's well and good. i just feel so unbearably lonely, it's just one of those times when loneliness seems so dense and heavy and insurmountable and i just want to somehow be allowed to lay down and die already.