18/04/03
when it comes to art, there are all sorts of things i've found amazing when they've crossed my path, but i've never really been exposed to much, i haven't studied art and i don't seek it out. i tend to be more moved by music than anything else. or at least music at one time got closer than anything else, music felt to me the way that i thought love would feel. in the past, the written word often moved me, and so did films.. both probably still do to some extent, but it's not the same as with music. and i'm not really *moved* by talented descriptiveness or original styles, although i may be somewhat impressed. i just look for what i relate to, no matter how simply it is expressed, or even if i have to project a bit.
i sort of drew and created things as a sprog, but it wasn't something that felt like a natural thing to me. i remember liking especially to draw women's faces, and i'd give them all weird hair colours as well as natural ones, and unnatural eye colours as well as natural ones. for high school art class, i can remember putting in a lot of effort to draw parts of my face realistically. i spent hours and hours which turned into days and weeks in front of the mirror trying to get eyes, nose, mouth, etc, just right. when asked to focus, i was able to, and i was pleased with what i had done, and i think the end results were actually somewhat impressive. but i never really felt comfortable with this type of thing. i felt limited, pressured, uncomfortable, not in my element.
as a teenager, i became interested in jungian psychology. i actually fantasized about undergoing jungian analysis. that was just not to be, but what i did end up doing is actually similar to what jungian analysts recommend to access the subconscious. the subconscious is to be accessed in whatever ways possible, made as conscious as possible. the psychologist helps the patient to examine the chaotic images the subconscious presents, and then helps the patient to bring order and meaning to all the chaos.
ways of accessing the subconscious: to draw, paint and follow creative urges. to try automatic writing. to record dreams. to be aware of the 'meaningful coincidences' that seem to strike you. etc. it's important not to judge/censor yourself. skill is not important, and sometimes the very things you draw vaguely or oddly or unrealistically or whatever may give some insight. through all my efforts, i think i've come closer to understanding a lot of what goes on subconsciously with me, to an extent that most people who have not tried these sorts of things probably can't. it becomes so difficult to try to communicate what i've discovered, because no one else seems to speak the same language. i need focus, feedback, in order to be clearer, because most people just aren't prepared.
at times my relationship with gk is difficult because he is not overly interested in the subconscious. for his life and his work, it's been more advantageous maybe not to worry about that sort of thing. i've probably only focused on it so much because i've had so much time on my hands. but it's difficult when almost everything you are and think relates to awareness of or interest in things going on below the surface of everyday reality, and the person you share your life with doesn't think that stuff is important. he is very rational, and can see that it's important to me, but there is just no way to make him find it important for himself. it's all about things that can't be proven, quantified, etc, and as such it's pretty much idle speculation.
i can't help feeling that all of my experience and so much of who i am is invalidated by this. and yet.. in spite of the fact that we are opposites in this respect, it's like we are both trying to build some kind of bridge between our two apparently incompatible ways of viewing the world and life. to me, this has value.
anyway, when i have creative urges, i try not to stifle them. if i have even a small bit of energy, i will do what i can. i think i keep waiting for some opportunity to explain what it all means, to link it all together, to show that there is some complexity behind it all that is belied by the crudeness and tackiness of my renderings, and that skill in art or in anything is not the only way of expressing complexity. i see the complexity in the simple, i can't help it, and i see the potential in what others might dismiss as 'mediocre'. when someone seems to disdain mediocrity, i usually come to the conclusion that in some ways i will probably not admire that person's thinking. i will *probably* find it too limited, not complex or open enough in certain areas, lacking in insight or imagination, too prejudiced by things learned and not questioned while growing up, not currently capable of being open to life and new ideas in the ways i have been. and probably too afraid/ashamed of their own behaviours/thoughts/reactions/wants/needs that link them to everyone else to really see the ways in which they are like everyone else, and so they condemn everyone else as sheep. maybe they're just lacking in perceptiveness or conscious awareness. so, i make a judgment regarding this type of judgmentalness. hehe.
at the same time, i can't help being aware that my thinking very well may be a defense, a coping method for dealing with mediocrity. but i don't think it's that simple. i don't think i have an issue with mediocrity. i think i really do see that none of us can help who we are, our level of talent, intelligence, etc, and that it's silly in a sense even if it's understandable for a wide variety of reasons to beat ourselves up over our lacks, and that all we can do is try to figure out if there are things we want to do and express in life, and see if there's some way we can feel fulfilled in who we are. at the same time, it makes sense to feel bad about not accomplishing more, because otherwise maybe no one would try to accomplish anything. it could be that competition brings certain things out. but if it's all about competition to survive, competition for mates, resources, status, what real meaning does it have if you don't want to survive? personal meaning, maybe, if you can believe in such a thing, and for me that's an incredibly unstable thing at best. i think that's part of what jungian analysis is about.. finding some kind of meaning for oneself, and possibly finding the ability to see the mystery in your own life, story and self, something that helps you to feel you won't be submerged in the mass. i guess what i do is apply that possibility to every person in the world. that's how i view people.
i can't seem to help feeling excruciatingly embarrassed when someone makes a comment regarding my 'artwork' as if they think it actually is some kind of work. i may not know much about art, but i think i know enough to view what i do realistically.
i've seen so many people with much more artistic talent than me afraid to let anyone see what they've done because they don't think it's good enough. i guess i can put my stuff out there because i don't have any real attachment to the idea of 'good', 'bad', 'mediocre', etc, and because i don't think of what i do as my 'work' or as 'real' artwork. my identity is not wrapped up in having talent in this area. i just want to be understood, and i realize that although i want what's best in me to be seen, that all the rest is important, too. at times i feel extremely embarrassed, though, because i do know the way people judge what i've done. it's the same way they judge themselves. and it's difficult for me to overcome this judgment. shame is an automatic reaction and it takes some time to analyze it all and deal with it over and over, and i feel hopeless when i think about trying to explain that for me it's not about skill. it's about trying to discover who i am, it's about trying to be open, it's about trying not to judge, it's about trying to be open to the great unknown.