irritated. uptight. impatient. disappointed. angry? bitter? is my face settling into these feelings as it ages? or was it a passing mood, a representation of what was going on subconsciously at the time?
i've put back the diary entries i removed. why should i be ashamed of my feelings? why should i be afraid to express myself imperfectly, or incompletely? who cares anyway?
i don't want anyone to like me if i have to repress or hide who i am. maybe i'm not likeable. i'm incredibly selfish and self-absorbed, but it wouldn't be genuine at present to appear otherwise.
in high school, i was told i looked like 'the saddest girl in the whole school', but my experiences with mental health professionals taught me that in allowing myself to appear that way, i was being manipulative, selfish, immature, lazy, etc... i learned it didn't help anything to express negative emotions, and that it could actually cause more problems for me. no one cared, anyway. i think of it as a somewhat positive thing to feel comfortable enough to express myself in negative or unbecoming ways now.
i didn't like the way the makeup looked in most of my birthday photos this year, but there was something in the photos that spoke to my subconscious, made me think i had captured something 'true'. it feels 'right' to me to see this softened version of one of my birthday photos now. what i felt then has blurred, and i feel.. different.