19/03/03
why can't i just shut up? it feels like i've lost control of my bowels. i don't have anything to say, and yet i keep going on and on.
i think it's because i have a longing for some kind of interaction, even though i can't see what i'd say to anyone. i know i can't handle interaction right now. it really needs to wait, possibly indefinitely. i'm going to stay away from my diary as long as i can, because all of this writing when i don't have anything to say just makes me feel worse, even if at the time i feel panicked and if i don't write i don't know what to do because there is nothing i can bear to do, even nothing. i don't ever want to write like this again.
for a very long time, i feel like i've been living in a very cramped, limited kind of consciousness, and that i've been forced into accepting further limitations by the outer 'realities' of my life.
i often feel this internal pressure to try to do the most i can to express as much as i can with the body i've got and the consciousness i've got, but it's like there are all of these obstacles, and there's so much more than i can figure out how to process and express, and it's a horrible bloody war, and meanwhile it's like a kind of permanent state of exhaustion has set in and i've just been babbling incoherently for ages. i want to give up, but there's no exit anywhere, because my limitations block all exits. for a while, i had this feeling that maybe things were changing, maybe i was finally relaxing a bit and my consciousness could expand beyond its limits. like maybe i was opening up a bit. i'm not sure about now. i think things are better than they were a few days ago, and maybe i'm even moving toward a period of relative 'peace' again (btw, these periods of relative peace that i've had in the last months are extremely unusual for me.. like i don't remember having anything similar since about the age of 21 or so), and that probably before too long there will be a period of much activity related to creativity, but whatever occurs, it's still exhausting and lonely in here, and i feel like i want to just let go, and that i would if i could figure out how.