i dreamed of you again last night,
your tears spilling one by one
upon my forehead,
a chinese water torture. blood teardrops,
my hair
soaked screaming red.
vermilion rivulets traversing my pale parched
flesh,
resisting absorption.
i am open.
you stiffen frigidly and i
writhe, languid,
amniotic fluid under crimson ice fetal posture.
my skin
is a blue dress that swirls like breath
in rhythm with your heartbeat,
curling around the bars of your frozen impenetrable cage.
cold bastard.
resigned, i anticipate the next teardrop,
the next word glaring impotent
burning-at-the-stake wire hanger love.
~fanciulla_gentile@hotmail.com
~
I am a sex addict. I don't tell just anyone all of the details, and how it all began. I tell what had the biggest effects, in my opinion. What is big to me, usually seems small to others. To survive, I learned to like it. There is pleasure, even for a child. For me, it was a question of survival, intelligence and dominance to express that pleasure rather than express weakness. I felt the power, and knew that in a way, I was stronger.
Wanderings. I sought the pleasurepane. The moment of power. No one knew me. Walking hours, I found. Alley blowjobs. Parks. Once a limoscene. I took money. I told myself that men don't care. The cum money is caring, the way they express it. Sometimes, caring for bruises, soreness, emptiness must be stolen - that is the only way it can be 'real', if not the kind of caring that is sought.
-Maruska_Zawisha@wetwetwet.com
~
So rarely does anyone surprise me. I grew tired of surprising others. I am so bored.
I am losing control, the control I struggled so hard to keep. I can feel the splitting fissure fatal migraine bursting flooding aneurism destiny at last come full circle. I cannot hold on to the fragments. The bullet exploded. The hideous gurgling gore of feeling, flesh, brain and bone cannot be held together, cannot be pieced together, like a grisly jigsaw puzzle gone rotten in the sun it drips through my fingers. I do not want to make sense. I do not seek understanding. I am putrefying.
I devoured the apple. I sat there in the oneness with all there is. I sat there alone, connected to everything. I wanted more. I asked for more, more, more.
I had experienced pain. I had known torture. But then I understood what it was not to have the resources to cope, because I understood enough to understand what I did not understand. And now I just want it all to stop.
-Eva_Faust@hotmail.com
~
if you have ever received email from one of these addresses, it was from me. i have sent a few emails, but not many, using these aliases. there are a few others i haven't used.
fanciulla_gentile@hotmail.com - translates as 'good girl' or 'charming child', but also, is meant to be 'heathen child'. not to mean 'not jewish', but to mean not whatever the going religion is.
Maruska_Zawisha@wetwetwet.com - as the email address suggests, maruska is overtly sexual. she can discuss sex in crude terms. she has a twin sister, Milena_Zawisha@hotmail.com who is more refined, and plays by the rules. at times i have debated about maruska making up her twin and playing two parts herself, or of milena doing something similar.
Eva_Faust@hotmail.com - eva is very logical and knowledgeable, until she breaks down.. she conducted experiments with relationships, sex, in very controlled ways.
i abandoned these email accounts a while back.