21/04/03
is it a good idea to put energy into some of the things i've been putting on my diary lately. would it be better to save my energy for my new website. but it doesn't feel like i've been using much energy at all, and it's not like i'm going to run out of ideas or waste ideas by putting them here. i feel like i have so many ideas lately that it's almost like a tidal wave or there's just so much that i'm not sure how to contain it in such a way that it won't tear me apart. the things i've been doing lately are all extra little things, things that have taken so little energy to do, things that just seemed to spontaneously emerge. maybe things i just need to clear out, so that i can see the rest more clearly or focus on it. but if what i've been doing lately is all i ever do, i find it hard to think it really matters.
i will admit i'm seeing ways in which i might be able to expose more layers, explain myself better. slowly. if i have the energy. even if none of it is relevant to anyone but me.
i feel as lost as ever, and am still not coping. that just sort of goes without saying. i think i'd like to retreat into silence for a while, and then all of a sudden say 'tada, here is my new website', but i may never actually complete my new website, and i think it's almost like i'm starting to rely on having this as a place to clear my thoughts or let out pressure and confusion. it feels like i'm at least communicating with myself, carrying on a conversation with myself because i can't handle anything else. but if i disappear for a while, it's probably because i'm working on what i can.