love is natural and real
but not for such as you and i, my love
-smiths, i know it's over
i wish someone would just drive a stake through my heart and chop off my head already.
excruciatingly lonely tonight. aching, longing, wanting. starving. i have the whole house to myself, but i have just been staying in my room with the door closed, listening to music, for most of the last week. in the last couple of months my emotions and experiences have been all over the place. i have ranged from utter despair and hopelessness, and feeling that i am repulsive in every possible way, to feeling deadness, apathy, uncaringness about anything, to anger, and then joy in being alive, and incapacitating sexual desire.. then complete loss of that desire and indifference to sex at all, or repression to the extent that i began having a female version of 'wet dreams' incredibly regularly, maybe as my body's way of coping with that repression.. i lost hope that i'd ever find someone i could really connect with.. i lost hope that anyone would ever find me attractive, except possibly in some mild kind of way that would not satisfy me at all. old. too old now. but even young, never alive enough, interesting enough, never beautiful enough or something enough to inspire the kinds of feelings i need to inspire. weirdly, even though it doesn't seem too likely i will ever experience the kind of passion and intimacy i think i want, i still think about it, still want it. suck the life out of someone while they suck the life out of me. i want to know just how sick and depraved i can be, i want to fulfill my potential. i can't seem to stop wanting this, although at times i'm too hopeless and lacking in energy to dwell on it much.
when i saw the movie dead poets' society years ago, the words 'carpe diem' ('seize the day') stuck in my mind, and became a kind of mantra, i think. i'd always been passive, shy.. and i think it was one of those things that inspired me to concentrate more on forcing myself to try to get myself out of the hole i was in, and to try to 'contribute a verse'. i'm sure there were plenty of other influences, but for some reason at the moment this one is in my mind. i don't think i've let any opportunities go. i've actually been thinking of my life as nearly complete. maybe i couldn't find all i wanted in one person. maybe that doesn't exist. but i've had so many interesting relationships. i've explored different aspects of myself in all of these relationships. and i've seen some of the world. and i've not backed down from expressing myself creatively (even though i can't do so in ways that help me in any practical sense) or in trying to resolve things with various people. i've done as much as i can, in my own way. i've been true to myself. while i feel that it would be ok if i died at any time, and i wouldn't feel that anything was really left undone, i do have a sentimental wish to do a little more dancing. recently, i started working towards that.. i worked my body almost every day for 4 weeks, and i was eating healthily, and losing weight.. building the body up, so it would be strong enough to handle the abuse i want to heap on it.. penance beforehand. i want to go out into the world and eat not for nutritional value, but for pleasure, and i want to drink coffee, and alcohol. and take whatever drugs i stumble upon out there. but.. i wasn't able to keep getting stronger. it's so hard to motivate myself to be disciplined, no matter how badly i think i want to be able to dance, and be strong enough to go out into the world. i cringe at the idea of the word 'healthy'. i don't want to be normal or healthy or whatever. an irreconcilable problem. part of the eternal internal war within me.
the sunshine bores the daylights out of me
-rolling stones, rocks off
didn't stay up long enough to have a vision last week (heh), but i had an interesting dream when i finally went to sleep. there was this brilliant, shimmering peacock in a small translucent gel egg-bubble.. i was in awe of its beauty. it forced its way out of its protective gel shell with some violence, shocking me.. and was born a fully grown male (humanoid) desperate to have intimate relations with me, but incredibly frustrated because he didn't know where to begin or if he was the correct species or had the right parts for it to be possible.. i don't know why, but i felt confident and just seemed to instinctively know what to do..
she makes me feel so weary
my heart is really on its knees
but i keep a pokerface so well
that even mother couldn't tell
she is almost a mirror
and the sound of her name
sends a permanent shiver
down my spine
-nick cave (when he was in the boys next door? anyway, it was actually written by rowland s. howard, but i haven't actually heard the original version), shivers
always impressed to see the flying foxes (fruit bats) when out at night walking around the neighbourhood. seeing this little bat (the one at the top of this page, not a fruit bat) up close, i was surprised to see how frightened it looked. the processing of the photo makes the bat look scarier. i often wonder if the photos of me on my website are similarly misleading. i think i come across as pretty bold, and possibly self-confident, when most of the time i'm too scared to even go outside.
"Listen to them, the children of the night. What sweet music they make."
-Bram Stoker's Dracula
(screenplay, not book.. yeah, i know the title is a joke, but i love the cinematography of this movie, i love the drama, romance, intensity, and gary oldman's performance fascinates me.)
the children of the night - the vampires of the world (ashlings, too). my eye is always drawn to them. i feel like i'm one of them and that i should look like one of them. why has it been so hard for me? there's probably too much of the awkward sunshiny thing in me. i'm not kewl enough. i think i have so many other influences to work through.. and i do like colours, and am open to so much. but part of it is that it takes effort to surround and clothe oneself in goth stuff, and i've never been functional enough to manage it. (well, i did have long, black morticia hair for some time, and a few really great clothes. i just wish i had photos. but when i was around people, i was at my most conservative, and that's what tended to get photographed.) i have a lot of trouble shopping, and usually end up with things i'm not completely satisfied with, thinking that when i have more energy i'll try again..
maybe it's because i need the sun that i can't project a dark image. there are no goth goddesses with suntans. without a bit of sunbathing, i can't really live, i'm too self-conscious because of my skin condition.. it's like that with a lot of my personality. there are irreconcilable differences within it. maybe i should concentrate more on the written aspect of things to convey the dark state of my mind, but i suck at that, too. anyway, i like to think it's that i'm still struggling to free myself of my background, the parts of it i don't accept or agree with, and it's taking time. it took so long to finally choose a new name. i've only had the name xesce for 4 years now, when for most of my life i wanted a name that better represented who i thought i was..
not happy with first 'diary' entry, or this one, either. want to go back and change most of it. but i'm going to leave it all, and hope i get less awkward as i go along.
baby, baby, ain't it true
i'm immortal, when i'm with you
-pj harvey, big exit