23/05/03
it's so easy to hurt me. i'm so easily deflated, when my ego never really becomes all that inflated in the first place. when i'm caught up in something that takes my mind off some of the horror, even momentarily, it can feel like i have glimpses of what else there is, and it can feel almost magical, and i can see potential, and sometimes i even feel special. i don't kid myself that i can actually express or communicate what i glimpse, but it can feel like something of a relief to be doing something, i can feel less powerless for a moment, i can think maybe i can express *enough* that someone else can fill in some details with their imagination, or with their own experience, or it will lead to some further communication that i can't currently imagine, and somehow maybe one day i will experience a feeling of acceptance and connection. and then i always end up having to see that no, i probably don't have any chance whatsoever of expressing enough to attract the kind of feeling of connection i want, because who i am is not who i think i am. i'm inadequate. and it's all stripped bare, and it all looks like nothing. and i try to hold on to how it felt *to me*, and think well if i'm communicating with myself and it feels interesting for little moments here and there, maybe that's all i can hope for in life. i guess that's where i'm at.
i had a strong urge to write to someone, a female. i fought the urge, and didn't do it. i saw something in her, something i liked. that's not unusual, but i guess what was unusual was that i think i saw something that made me imagine it might be possible to feel good in having contact with her. i found myself thinking that if i wasn't passive, if i thought it was possible to be a friend to someone, i would *choose* her. i can see that we have differences, but i found myself feeling that in this case i might be able to handle those differences, because i could see something in her, something very accepting and open, accepting and open in ways that might be compatible with my ways. i started to think about it, and realized that i probably couldn't be a friend to her. that i'd collapse under the weight of having nothing to share except the wish for a friend. it was about my selfishness, and there was probably nothing i could offer her. i felt this wish to ease her sadness, to offer her warmth and caring. i wanted to tell her somehow that i liked how she came across and that i found her beautiful, but i don't know how i could have done that without making her feel uneasy, and so there really wasn't anything i could do for her, because i'm not stable enough to provide ongoing warmth, friendship, stability. and i thought more, about what i'd say, and how i'd approach it, and i had this feeling i'd only come across as a stalker, partly because i have this need to not hold back what i feel, it's like i can't, it's like it feels hypocritical of me, it's like saying what i feel is a rebellion against the silent rules of conduct, the tyranny of the usual accepted unawareness that society demands.
i can remember other emails i've sent, at times when i've felt i had no energy, but felt a need to have *some* kind of contact with a particular person.. i still feel so much shame about the words i chose, the way it all came out. i don't ever want to repeat that kind of thing again. ok, but if i hadn't sent those emails, i would not have had contact with gk or other people who i consider to have been extremely important to me, even if the contact was relatively brief. so why can't i do it again? maybe it's just not the right time, but maybe i have changed. i think i sort of feel driven out, like i have nothing to offer anyone, and if i approach anyone all i can offer is confusion and all i can do is suck away all a person's energy, without giving anything that anyone needs, leaving a person feeling worse than before.
and i also wondered about my motives a bit. i found myself imagining being with her in real life, talking and going places together, confiding in her in a way i can't do even here. yes, i censor a lot here. it's like i have to. i don't feel ready to explain why i feel i have to. maybe i don't really have to. maybe i need more time. anyway.. i think part of it was about wanting the warmth of female acceptance, the warmth of female encouragement, and empathy. i have been attracted to people's minds, to rationality, to logic, to thinking in as many directions as possible, it all excites me at times. i don't usually feel intimidated by it any more, but with my personal rhythms and patterns, i know that there are certain times when i can enter those minds and those discussions more easily than others. enter those aspects of life, of living. and at times it's natural, and i enjoy aspects of it. but it's difficult to hide from myself that it excites me in part for complicated reasons, and sometimes i want to avoid the complications. and then sometimes this type of discussion just seems too limiting to me, it's like i can look at a person and gather all of this information at a glance and do not need long discussions with the details spelled out in slow motion, and do not find pleasure in the slow motion.
i found myself thinking i wanted to photograph her. and then i found myself having sexual feelings. i thought about undressing her, touching her. maybe it was this realization that prevented me from writing, but it's probably also that currently i'm not strong, my sense of self is weak, and i'm not sure i will ever be able to handle new relationships.
it's not that my obsession has disappeared. if i'm honest, i'll admit that it's still the primary thing, and i can't shake it off. and maybe this other attraction is in part about craving some kind of warmth to counteract what the obsession makes me feel. sorry if that's confusing.. with the obsession, it's both hot and cold. can't exactly control the heat, but i find that thinking realistically when i experience it eventually leads to the cold, although i can't really control it. i'm not sure if that's clear. or maybe this attraction is partly about wanting to allow myself the luxury of wallowing in irrationality, wanting someone i can talk to about it.
and underneath that, it's like as i'm writing i want it made clear that my obsession is a crutch, it's an outlet for feelings that are always with me, but that i'm still searching, i'm still open to a new obsession, to one that can be reciprocated. it's not something i feel i can't let go, my current obsession. it's always been that way for me.. i can't seem to escape from obsessive feelings exactly when i want to, but when the person doesn't share my feelings, they will eventually fade. always. because part of what i imagine when i'm thinking obsessively is that the person shares my feelings somehow. when it's clear that they do not, i can't hold onto the fantasies or the feelings indefinitely. it just doesn't seem to work that way for me. maybe in a way i feel better about myself than comes across most of the time.
and then i want to say, but oh, it's all an illusion, i know that. i'm just so empty, and it would make me feel powerful if someone could be interested in me, could want me. but i understand the realities of life, and at my age, with my attractiveness level, instability, boringness level and accomplishment level, in combination with my tendency to isolate myself, it's just not realistic to think i'm going to have passion in my life again that isn't one-sided. it's like believing in santa or the tooth fairy. once you reach a certain age you either get told or you absorb that santa isn't going to come any more, and that he was this made up thing in the first place. i've probably had more than my quota of santa visits. and yes, i know that some kids never experience santa, and that some were so cool and smart that they never believed in santa, never even wanted to believe in santa, and also were atheists from birth. so i'll be grown up about it, and know i've got something special with gk and focus on that, and give my loyalty and effort to that. yikes. i just hate who i am. but why should i? if i looked at myself the way i look at others, i'd have patience, and i'd see something in me, and i think i'd understand, and i'd want to offer encouragement and compassion.
i think that in part my thoughts go where they do now because of the instability and insecurity of my current situation. when you have some measure of security in life or some kind of peace within yourself to compensate for the lack, i think it's easier to think in certain directions. when you're constantly insecure about what's going to happen next regarding shelter and food, when you could lose the last person who loves you at any moment, and know that you have no resources to fall back on, it makes you aware of how difficult it is to think calmly.
maybe i need to shut out all outside influences again, well as many as it is possible for me to shut out, i don't think i want to do any extreme kind of sensory deprivation experiment at this time, and see what emerges.