26/03/03
i'm so thirsty. more vomiting tonight. and i thought i felt like hell before. i feel so weak and sick. my heartbeat feels fast and erratic. headache again. i don't know how to make the behaviour stop. i'm craving ice water. sometimes when i'm this thirsty i'll just keep gulping and gulping very cold water, and then my belly feels so full that i need to vomit the water out so that i can feel comfortable. and then i'm thirsty again.. so i either have to try to ignore the thirst and yucky feeling in my mouth, or possibly go through the whole process again. or maybe by then i'm ready to eat more again.
i really need to get out of here for a while if i can. i'm too swamped by thoughts and feelings in too many directions. i am not strong enough to do anything with it all right now in writing. not without some kind of help, although i don't really know what i mean by that.
i'm going to keep trying to stop the behaviour, but it may be some time before i'm able to write anything.
[11/01/05: i've been feeling extremely sick and nervous, and have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. i'm trying to work on an 'extra' site. when i talk about working on anything, i don't ever really do much at anything other than a painfully slow rate. i just don't know what to do at present. i am unsure of the extent to which i might be delusional, and at the same time i find some things difficult to just dismiss. my plan for the moment is to try to get this extra site finished up soon - or rather the first draft of it. it's been hanging over my head for a while, and maybe i might be able to work on other things if i get it out of the way. i hadn't even thought i'd do something like this for a few years, and didn't even know if i'd still be alive then to do it, and it's not really turning out how i envisioned, it's much rougher, more simplistic, but at present it feels so dense and heavy that it's difficult to leave it alone because i feel sort of suffocated by it and it pricks at me constantly and so i will probably put something up soon, to see if it gives me a momentary feeling of release. even though i consider it a rough draft and actually feel unsure or off-balance about the whole thing. it's like once it's out there, i might feel momentarily free of it, and maybe i'll be able to forget about it for a while until i'm ready to make changes to it, add or replace things, etc. but it's hard to say if i will continue to try to communicate with my delusions. if nothing else, i suppose eventually i may be able to look at it all and laugh at myself.]