27/03/03
so, it's almost my birthday. i'm extremely drunk right now, but you probably can't tell because i think i still can spot/fix my typos well enough. alcohol is supposed to be a depressant, but i think with me it relaxes inhibitions and actually helps me to focus less on depression. i have this amazing body buzz. i was already feeling fairly out of it and a bit of a strange buzzing feeling before i started drinking. i guess that's related to all the recent vomiting. i was vomiting today. again. i couldn't help it. alcohol seems to relax my anxiety. i am about 110 lbs (arggghhh.. not so long ago, i was about 105, or less) and have had more than 10 standard drinks in a few hours. er.. make that 11.
at present, i feel so much. i want people to know that i understand they couldn't behave other than how they behaved. it's ok. please, go after what you want to, what you feel you need to. i will be 'ok'. i feel that i will have 'love' again. it's weird. i feel so 'positive' at this moment. but i don't want to find love until afer gk does. i feel that he will. i think that i probably will. i feel so grateful to have known the people i have known. i feel lucky to have the life i have, to have gk and the life we have together. i won't ever be able to fit anywhere for long, but i may have a moment. i want others to have their moment. i want to say hi. there's so much i feel that probably no one will ever understand, but i doubt it matters. right now. if i had a body to touch, i think i could make the person understand.