29/05/03
scared and shaky. i sort of have to be prepared for all kinds of possibilities and stresses. gk's mother starts radiotherapy soon, and it may be necessary for us to fly out. our help or just presence may be needed, but no matter what, we will be going at some point soonish for probably at least a week. we don't know what is going to happen exactly, if gk's mother will get better or if things will take a turn for the worse or what. gk is trying to make his schedule as flexible as possible. meanwhile, he has a lot of work that he has to fly out for, and he's going to be in and out of here a lot, which means i will be alone and may have to deal with phone calls. in addition, gk's sister is getting married sort of in the middle of all this, and i just received the paperwork in the mail regarding my permanent visa. *for me* all of this is a lot. i am trying to stay calm, not freak out, although i've already freaked out to some extent. i can see that gk is fairly stressed and nervous, and i'm sure his whole family is stressed. i can see that at this time, it will help gk a lot if i don't break down, and if i'm able to be with him when he sees his mother. i'm scared, because to hold myself together at this time seems very difficult. my thinking has been that i can probably handle it, but that i will only be able to sustain effort for a certain amount of time, and that i will then probably break down and need to withdraw into myself. i'm hoping that i will be able to sustain the effort long enough to be of benefit to gk and his family. or at least not an additional stress or problem.