who am i now? what do i think? what do i feel? what do i want? i react to the sounds and images and concepts and words that somehow reflect or help me get at aspects of what i'm experiencing until i can identify what i'm experiencing more clearly. i don't move at a constant speed, and i often feel blurred, out-of-focus. and things whizz by me and through me and i can't stop spinning, i can't reach out, there's no stability, there's nothing solid, nothing true or real and nothing that makes a kind of sense i can explain in any sort of rational way.

it was easier, but not easy, to be less self-conscious when i thought no one was watching. i just wanted to wallow in the subconscious, let myself be overwhelmed by all of the information there, lose myself in it. i'm scanning through the photos and tape recordings my mind has taken, and maybe some of it is commonplace or silly, but i trust the process. i don't judge. i just accept what's there, what will allow itself to be gripped momentarily, and i reach for it before it eludes me, and add something to it, knowing i have no control, and i just hope it will feel right. i think i accept myself, except that it can be difficult to hold onto that stance when faced with the disapproval or disappointment of others. but it comes back, and i give myself to it again. i want to see where it leads. i want to find my voice again, i keep going until i can hear it, amidst the conventional stuff, the subtle differences that help me to distinguish myself, recognize myself.

the structure of this website.. i suppose the way i've set things up resembles some of the structure of my psyche somehow. i find it intriguing and yet slightly disturbing that i've let you in here with me, that i'm actually communicating with you in here, talking directly to you, as if i've let you into a dreamscape, or somehow you've just appeared on the scene. maybe that makes no sense or doesn't seem a big deal to you.. it's just that this website has come to represent something very intimate to me, and our current interaction seems significant to me.

there are so many kinds of honesty, so many layers of it. offer what you can. i don't think that putting you on the spot will work right now. i think it's better to just give you room, and then if you get to feel comfortable, you'll offer up more, when you're ready. maybe sometimes it will be ok to really focus, be specific, but i don't think that one of those times is now. if you're not given enough room, you'll just need to protect yourself. i think you find it so painful to hurt others that it prevents you from sharing some aspects of truth, although i think you sense that it also hurts others when they sense the truth and that you're not able to share it. i guess all of that can feel very overwhelming, and that it could lead to a need to just shut out all of that pressure. the pressure of hurting others no matter what you do, just by being yourself. i know that's not all of it, i know it's more complicated, and that parts of it are about how others are focused, and what they value, and how their thinking and reactions are not open enough for you to feel safe.. and i guess it was painful for me being lumped into that category. i wanted to know why i was in that category, and it was frustrating and painful knowing that it was too much pressure for you to deal with my need to know, but i do realize that you and i both assess things according to what information we take in, filtered through what we've already experienced, and we both have energy limitations and stress thresholds, and if something's too much for you to deal with, i can acknowledge your right to feel that way, that based on all factors, you know what you can handle. i don't know if you could ever trust me enough. i don't want to make it my mission to make you feel that comfortable. i just want to see what happens, what emerges next.

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