30/05/03
gk's father died of cancer some years back, and it sounds like it was pretty bad. it must be incredibly difficult for all of his family to potentially have to face something similar again regarding his mother.
gk commented tonight that i'd spent almost 24 hours straight in bed. he wasn't criticizing, just sort of noticing that i must be in an extreme state of exhaustion at present. it's true that i've spent a lot of time in bed in the last day or few days. in the last day or so, i probably have only got out of bed for very short periods. partly to eat a couple of meals, and partly to get a bit of exercise. my body does feel or has been feeling exhausted. it's partly in giving up the coffee and recovering from bulimic behaviour. it may also be related to the stress. during two phone calls gk made to his family, i sat with him. i didn't even have to talk on the phone, but with the one call i sat there shaking uncontrollably, and with the other i must have tensed up in some weird way.. anyway, i did something that caused my breathing to become painful. i couldn't breathe deeply, or i'd feel pain, but then my breathing felt so shallow i started to panic slightly because i wasn't getting enough air. however, i did manage to relax.
i don't know, maybe i'm trying to focus and build up the energy for dealing with all the uncertainty, and that's why i need so much sleep. i suppose it could be argued that i'm 'sick' and that maybe i'm expecting too much of myself. do they want me there anyway, does anyone even like me? i'm so awkward, i might just get in the way, rather than be able to do anything. do we have choices, can we weigh things accurately, and say that it is not reasonable to expect ourselves to deal with certain stresses? there are so many issues involved. it's difficult to think of myself as important enough to offer anything of value. and if i were the one who had cancer, and i knew that someone had psychological problems like mine, i would not want to stress that person. at the same time, i know a lot is going on in the family at present, there is a lot of stress, and if there is anything i can do, i feel this tugging inside me, it's like i don't think i could just say absolutely not, this is beyond my capabilities. it's like i feel the need to keep my mind open to the possibility that my limitations aren't constant, and that in certain circumstances i might be able to do what seems impossible. but in addition to that, that i might have certain human or 'moral' responses that i'm not sure i can override, no matter what my *thinking* has been about situations like this. and that if i stayed away, withdrawn into myself, that i might feel so much guilt and distress that i'd feel just as bad or worse than if i'd gone. i just don't know.
they have all treated me decently. i've absorbed things about each person that i'm not sure i can articulate.
did i not feel anything similar when my father's ex was dying of cancer? well, yes. at that time, i felt paralyzed, though. i was feeling very bad about myself, and had no self-confidence. i would have needed one of my family members to approach me, and say that my presence was wanted, and then i would have made the effort to not break down. i was confused, and didn't know what to do, didn't know what anyone wanted. i was afraid of breaking down. i was afraid that my presence would only add tension to an already difficult situation. i didn't know if my father's ex wanted to see me before she died, and i didn't want to inflict my presence on her if she was uncomfortable with the idea of seeing me. i didn't know what to say to anyone. i tried to ask jamie, who was the one who told me the news, what his impression was, did my family want me to approach them? jamie was in probably almost daily contact with one of my brothers, and semi-regular contact with the other. i guess what i absorbed from jamie was that no one was really thinking of me all that much as having much to do with any of it.
[i never knew much about the situation. it seemed like from the time she was diagnosed she only lived a few weeks.]
as for the visa.. it doesn't look like it will be as complicated and difficult as last time. i filled out the police forms, and gk mailed them out, and i think getting a clearance takes about 6 weeks. there are various other things to be done, but it's really not as major as last time. i guess we'll both fill things out, write things out and impose on other people a little at a time. i've gone all through the 'do i really want to bother with this' thinking, and i guess i'm just going to go with things, not fight it. if i put off dealing with it, i would have to face consequences before long, and it's probably better that i'm not booted from the country in the middle of all that's going on. although i hate using the word 'better', because i have no idea what is really better.
i'm not sure what i will be able to do in the next while. i want to take some new pictures soon, and start working on them, but i'm not sure when i'll be able to manage it. sometimes creativity will come unexpectedly, and i'll just start doing, but all that's going on now may have some effect on what i'm able to do. i'm trying to just accept whatever.
so i spent all that time sleeping, and now i'm awake and don't know what to do with myself except drivel on here. i really should do something about my diary, organize it better so that there isn't such a big list to scroll. i just keep putting it off because i think this is all throwaway and maybe i'll eventually just put all my effort into my new site. actually, i think i'm feeling sleepy again.