why blonde?
my features aren't very distinctive, and this may be part of why it's possible for me to look so different from different angles, with different lighting, hairstyles, etc. my high school photos were so bland, like there was no one looking out of my eyes. it's been a source of incredible frustration to me over the years that my features haven't allowed me to project what i feel inside.
i grew up thinking it was my place i suppose to be tasteful. to wear neutral-coloured clothes and makeup, and if i did anything to my hair, it would only be to highlight the natural colour or something. in high school, i can remember admiring a girl who bleached her hair and wore a leopard print dress, and a couple of other people who looked punk.. but it was like i was always holding back, so repressed, so hesitant. when i finally took the plunge and dyed my hair black (and wore pale foundation, lots of eye makeup and deep red lips), my life changed. people *did* look at me differently. i finally had shaken off my 'sweet' image. i had given up looking 'pretty', but i think i had achieved something more important. i still am mostly drawn to those who are dark in appearance. i tend to like the vampire look.
i continually ask myself why i'm not projecting that sort of look constantly, at all times, since it's what i most admire. i don't know how to answer. lack of functionality, and cowardice. but maybe it's that it's natural for me to go into periods of hibernation, or maybe it's more accurate to say cocooning stages.. to finally emerge for a brief moment looking as i wish. so i have a moment, and then go back to the everyday struggle, and am too overwhelmed by the pressures of the outside world, along with my limitations to hold onto that image.
it's occurred to me that maybe that dark image isn't something i can uphold because it's not the whole truth of who i am. it's true that over the years i've been attracted to a range of things. i like brilliant colours. my experiences have been so diverse. i think partly in my appearance i've acted out some of my internal struggles. sometimes, i've tried too hard, and ended up just looking extremely silly. it's usually a shock to see photos. i can't really believe that i appear to others *like that*. it seems a cruel joke or something.
i felt pressure to blend in, look more normal again when i started dating jamie. he didn't want or need that, but for some reason it made things easier for me. and then i went into hibernation again. he once asked me to bleach his hair for him. i was fascinated by the process, and i think it was this fascination with the stripping away of colour that led me to want to try it with my own hair. and when i did, i was again fascinated with what i saw. anyone who's familiar with the first day of bleaching probably knows what i mean.. how it looks the first couple of days..
i never thought i'd ever try blonde hair.
and then i started to see it as a fuck you to everyone who thought that brunettes were deeper, more intelligent, kinder, more exotic, etc, than blondes. for a time, i had the idea i wanted to sort of combine a goth look with blonde hair. some of the pictures of myself i've seen with blonde hair horrify me. did i really come across like that? people expected me to have brown hair. it was their vision of me, they thought i looked best with it. but there was something unusual i could do with blonde, a way of looking, of standing out that i couldn't achieve with brown or black. but only rarely.. and also, i looked less like anyone in my family with blonde hair, imo.
anyway, i'm still struggling to feel a constant acceptance of the way i present myself to the world. i'm too plain at present. too normal. i blend in. i'm too scared to try. i have no energy. i feel like i'm out of ideas. the most daring things i've tried were never photographed. i feel despondent. i'm 36 years old. what does it matter to try now?
but, in spite of my age, and lack of energy, i do still want to try. maybe it's taken me longer than most to take a stand. maybe it's taking me longer than most to figure out who i am and how i want to present myself, but that doesn't mean i can't do it even at this late stage, even if it's only for a moment before i die. maybe i've had to go through all the embarrassing stages in order to finally just stop trying so hard... i feel envious of people who manage it seemingly without effort.
i don't at present have a wish to bleach my hair. it seems like too much work, and i don't think it would suit where i'm at right now.