the tan lines here are unfortunate, and the left side of the photo is blurred, not clearly showing my waist, but i didn't have the energy to try harder to get a better photo. on the one hand, i am trying to document what my body is like, before i get any older, and before i deteriorate further. on the other, i am documenting my despair that i can't be extraordinary.
i feel like i was born in the wrong body, with the wrong face. it's all either in discord, or it's just all simply wrong altogether, reminding me somewhat of the way that transsexuals feel that they are in the wrong body. i cannot face the world with this combination of body, face, mind, and i think this has been the single most important factor involved with me isolating myself from the world. if i have to look as i look, i don't wanna play, i don't wanna try.
many men are not aware of the reality of women's bodies. they are brainwashed by what they see in the various media.. women with less body fat than most men, photographed from angles to give the illusion of few imperfections, to give the impression that cellulite doesn't exist, etc. we all get the impression that certain things that are actually natural to the female body are unsightly, undesirable. many men simply aren't aware of the plastic surgery, dieting and exercising, in addition to tricks of photography that are necessary to create these illusions. they also aren't aware of the differences between men and women's bodies in strength, muscle tone, normal body fat levels, etc, and look at their own bodies, and those of women in the various media, and think the women they know in real life are deficient. although, i do realize that men are attracted by all sorts of things, that you can't predict what will excite a man momentarily, and that it gives all of us more of a chance and so the situation isn't completely dire.. i'm again just going on about attraction in an ultimate sense, i'm just going on about the way that men compare, and find women lacking. i know very well that a man may think/desire one way in his mind, but accept imperfection in his life.
i think some men really sympathize with what women go through. they understand their insecurities, the efforts they take to make themselves more ideal, etc, and i think that they are aware of what is currently medically considered ideal as to weights, etc. they are probably also aware that the images that surround us are not necessarily based on 'reality', and that they are impossible for most women to achieve.. and that the most photogenic women in the world have expert photographers to take their photos, experts in lighting, hair, makeup, etc.. that they have clothes fitted exactly to their bodies, and that often thousands of photos are taken and only one selected.. and that these days it's actually considered part of the job description for models and actresses, already the most beautiful women in the world, to have plastic surgery to either enhance what they've already got, or to maintain it. sometimes, it may actually take a makeup artist longer to make a model look like she is wearing no makeup at all than it takes to give her a fully made-up glamourous look. not to mention the airbrushing and whatnot..
i think to some extent we all want these mythical creatures to be real, though. it's something to do with the human instinct of striving towards perfection.. it's about art and achievement, ambition and whatnot. but we do know that in person models have fewer bad angles, and that if we lived side by side with them, our own flaws would be more apparent. but we even see normal women, women on the street every day, who seem to possess qualities and types of attractiveness that are above and beyond what we possess.. and part of it is simply that there is no conceivable way of competing with all of the variety out there.
no matter how men might sympathize, and no matter how they may realize that certain images aren't based on 'reality', it does not stop them from feeling attraction, or desire. they can't help wanting what they want. many will say that they don't need a certain level of idealness, but they will often find something missing with a mate who is not exceptionally attractive.. while in part it will be based on personal qualities, i think a lot of it really does have to do with appearance, and that a person's personal qualities are in large part determined by her appearance and how she is treated as a result of that appearance. there is status involved with being the partner of a beautiful woman. most men think they are special, and made for some special destiny.. acquiring a beautiful partner justifies them in that opinion of themselves, and not having one can make one feel he is not being fully appreciated. i think what a woman wants is for one partner, even an imperfect one, to be totally in love with her.
when a man makes a comment to me about some small flaw of an incredibly beautiful woman, what i think he is saying to me on some level is: 'i judge and dismiss you far more harshly than this. you are not even close to being in her league, and see how coldly i dismiss her, as if it's my right to judge every woman thusly and reduce them all in this way. every moment of every day we spend together i will be aware of every small flaw you exhibit, and i will be merciless.' at least on some level. i suppose that some people would argue that the man is graciously trying to make me feel better about myself by criticizing another woman, but if that's the case, i think it's a tactic based on lack of real thought, and that the underlying issue is closer to what i've written above - only the man may not have conscious awareness of it.
the only way i can see to rise above the problem of lack of physical idealness is to achieve something extraordinary, or to possess extraordinary qualities of some sort, so that a sort of association of ideas that is based on an underlying perception of genetic superiority provides a kind of ecstacy. it is not enough to use intelligence, creativity, hard work, ingenuity.. to make use of all available resources to create beauty.. because most men will be convinced it is not 'real' beauty and it will not have much value to them. they will pick and pry, and see the effort and intelligence and creativity and sheer balls as deception and fraud. they can't help admiring most what comes naturally, without effort, without complication.
this is not to say that men don't value the women in their lives. i'm just moaning about ultimate attraction, obsession, etc, about how all of that is what appeals to me most, and is what i can't seem to inspire. perhaps i just sound bitter because i've realized i'm deficient in every possible way.. looks, personality, personal achievement, personal qualities, etc. i do think it's possible that people can have a kind of ultimate relationship without being ideally beautiful or exceptionally talented in some way, and that it would be based on having experiences that match up in such a way that communication between them seems somewhat magical.. i guess i'm just suspecting that i'm such an objectionable person that i will always be expendable, no one's ideal one. and of course, if i had actual interests and ambitions in life, if i had a job or things to do with my time, if i had much in the way of thought in my head, perhaps i wouldn't be so focused on all of this.