the photo is blurred, and artistically.. hmm.. yuck is the best word i can come up with.. but there is something about this photo that shows how small my hips look up close. also, i'm always self-conscious about my thighs, and yet i don't mind them so much here. a nervous reaction i have to having my picture taken is to position my arms stiffly at my sides and place my hands on my thighs - i'm sure it's a noticeable pattern on my website - anyway, what i'm usually unconsciously or consciously trying to do is to hide some of my thighs.
i have had a lot of attention from men in my life, and i think this has always surprised people who have known me. i think the people who know me always think of me as being of limited 'real' attractiveness. my theory is that when i've been out walking alone for long periods in the past, all of my usual nervousness relaxed a bit through the exertion, and i was able to walk gracefully and confidently. i appeared 'open' and approachable. if men felt that i would respond positively to them, they may have been more likely to judge my attractiveness as higher than it was, or they may have found it simply more pleasant to respond to the signals and 'return the favour' by making me feel better about myself. i think it's highly possible that when people get to know me, all of my complicatedness, anxiety, etc, leaves a kind of 'aftertaste' that makes them focus on the physical counterparts of these 'flaws' - hence they see me as less attractive. in other words, i have a less than impressive personality.
as for developing bulimia.. starting in my teens.. here are haphazardly some of the factors that i think were involved (bearing in mind that bulimia is not just bingeing and vomiting, but composed of other behaviours such excessive exercising or fasting or strict dieting to get rid of guilt associated with eating more than you feel you have a right to eat, or to get rid of physical discomfort.. and that eating excessively may represent a way of allowing yourself to feel things you are not allowed to feel, or a way of trying to nurture yourself, or relieve pressure, or to physically express the feeling that you have no control over your life):
as a child, for me the need that was most consistently recognized was need of food. i was told that if i cried as an infant, i was most often shut into a room until i stopped - so that i couldn't 'control' the adults in my life. when i moved in with my father at age 13, my disordered eating first developed. i was too timid to explain what my various needs were, including menstrual supplies, clothes, etc, and the only thing that was supplied in abundance was food, and no complaints were ever made about how much i ate. i was often too nervous to eat at school (a ten-hour day), and would be alone when i arrived home from school, when previously my siblings and mother had always been with me after school. and so i would eat until i was stuffed, and then eat dinner to please my father and his girlfriend. my happiest memories were of christmas at my mother's parents', and on those occasions we were encouraged to eat and eat.. although i would have been content with just christmas cookies and chocolate, and only ate borscht, turkey, pierogies, cabbage rolls, etc to please others. anyway, from a young age, i associated eating a lot with what made me happiest.
i think that i have always had a high anxiety level, was born hyper- sensitive, and that this was intensified by my parents' violent fights. the thing is, i *was* part of the reason for their fights. they often fought about money, about how much kids cost.. my father didn't seem aware of how far money went. he paid his child support, but didn't seem to care that his standard of living was much different from that of his kids. my mother was good with money, and made sure we had the things kids needed, but when i moved in with my father, i became aware of just how much of a difference there was, of the difference between my mother's careful planning and the outright extravagance of my father. and then through the years my father actually did say over and over how he could have been happy if he didn't have kids to support..
anyway, maybe i also picked up that my mother wished she could have had a different life, and that once she no longer loved my father, she found it hard to love her children, because of their resemblance to the father.. because they were part him.. especially me, since i looked most like him, and chose to live with him..
my father's example.. when i moved in with him.. he would drink and drink and tell me that he felt no chemical sexual reaction for his girlfriend although she was a nice person. at about this time i think i developed my preoccupation with having sexual value, because i think i picked up that he didn't really value his girlfriend in an ultimate way. i also ate things like ice cream in a similar pattern to the way he was drinking. i also understood on some level probably that almost any woman of any age is fair game to a man.. that even daughters and whatnot are not off limits to those who think they are chosen ones, and that probably it is normal anyway for all men to be attracted to young females, regardless of familial relations, and that we should be taught these things somewhere.. and that part of it may be part of a complicated 'imprinting' process regarding a child's developing sexuality that is in fact as natural and normal as anything. i think my father's anxiety level was very high, and that he coped with it through alcohol, food, cigarettes and coffee, consuming large quantities of all, and i imitated him.. but i was fairly powerless and without resources, and only food was readily available to me.
i think in some ways my anxiety level was beneficial. the more info i could take in and process without cracking brought more out in me, helped me to achieve more.. but then eventually i just wasn't up to it any more. i cracked. i had achieved my potential by the age of 13. of course, now that i'm older i can see what abilities i've lost, but i don't mourn those losses the way i see others do their own lost abilities.. i think i have a better idea of who i am now. i'm not just blindly following the rules. i have become more myself. i don't value the achievements and qualities i once blindly valued. i have found that through the relationships i've had, i've been able to test myself, and discover what it is that i value. in some of my email relationships, i think i've sought to test myself intellectually. what i've discovered is that my mind is not too bad, and that when i put in a bit of effort i can often add interesting comments to discussions, come up with ways of looking at things that others have not thought of, that i sometimes can call on obscure little bits of knowledge, that often i can argue points well, and that often my approach is creative, compassionate, fair and open-minded.. but basically i'm fairly lazy. my mind is not disciplined, there are huge gaps in my knowledge, and i inevitably lose interest in making an effort when there is no sexual motivation or when sexual motivation wanes. i am not an intellectual. i think i'm still seeking to some extent to share and discuss the kinds of difficult-to-articulate knowledge that i've picked up through the years, the kinds of knowledge that i don't think most people value or think of as knowledge at all.
anyway, these email relationships have helped me to test and to see myself, and to let go of unrealistic or outdated ideas of who i am. other relationships have been valuable in other ways. jamie was so accepting of me that he helped me to learn to express myself in more ways, to try new things without shame. he relieved my stress better than anyone else. peter helped me to question my 'niceness', and helped to open up my mind, and helped me to discover music. my father was an influence regarding the adrenalin rush, striving to be the best i could be, and about ideal love/sex, my mother taught me the details regarding how to work what i had.. with my mind, body, feminity, and she i think taught me how to spot my opportunities, and how to be 'aware' of others and their particular gifts and struggles, and how to fill their gaps without them noticing. gk provides a kind of structure for me that allows me to pin down and hold on to more moments in life. i think he helps me to have more control, and that he gets me closer to being able to do many of the things i've thought of doing. we think it out, we plan, we do. we take photos. and all of this helps me to see it all more clearly. i have access to a rational mind that is focused on trying to help find solutions to my lifelong problems. it could very well be that he sees the same solutions i do, and that there is no way i can truly live, but i see this positively, and am grateful for what we've managed to get out of life together in spite of my poor prognosis. heh.
eating is a pleasure to me, and it's possible that naturally my body just wants to be of average weight, and that i've fought that tooth and nail.. in part because i couldn't see myself having much sexual value at average weight.
when my mother died, i think i instinctively picked up a nurturing role, maybe partly to take over, maybe partly as a survival thing to help me cope with the traumas that had recently occurred in my life, but as i did so, maybe i was showing others what i myself needed, and when there was no way to get it, food was my way of acting it out, and of seeking nurturing. like when i cried as a baby, and the only comfort i was consistently allowed was food.
when i binge, it may be a way of acting out my past.. of being a child with no control over circumstances and chaos. of having parents so sensitive that they couldn't tolerate a child having any negative feelings. who couldn't tolerate the idea that anyone but they themselves could have problems, not thinking that their behaviour and feelings could have any effect. i think i absorbed the depression and hopelessness of both my parents, and sympathized with them far more than either of them ever realized. i could see their pain, and i knew i couldn't blame them, that it wouldn't be fair when they were hurting so much, and in fact it seems to me heartless and unfair of me to have written what i've written here today. but.. i couldn't put in the efforts to struggle along that they did, because underneath things i felt that they both thought of me as a mistake, and that they did not value their lives, or the struggles they put in. i wasn't beautiful enough for my mother, not exceptional enough for my father. (during my hospitalizations, i was faced with psychiatrists thinking i had really sadly deteriorated because they hadn't recognized my father's own grandiose sense of his own importance in telling them that in high school my iq tests had had the highest results in the province, and also that i was a world class athlete, etc - or if they realized his need to exaggerate, they didn't offer any sympathy or understanding in my direction, and certainly no insights). i hadn't really bonded with my parents, and i've never been able to really bond with any person. i did realize early on that in order to survive, i had to find strength within myself, i had to find meaning for myself, and i failed in that task.
purging by vomiting is something i didn't manage until i was 21 years old. i'd tried before, but my gag reflex didn't work properly, so i had settled for strenuous exercise, dieting, fasting.. my gag reflex was extremely repressed.. when i was a child even when i had the stomach flu i remember how hard i struggled not to vomit. there was something so shameful about it, something so weak and disgusting about it, and i think it's possible that somehow i trained my gag reflex into not working properly. i finally managed it in desperation just as i had crashed and came grovelling home after living on my own for 6 months. the pain and fullness were unbelievable that night, and i only managed to get a bit out, but it was enough to feel like a bit of a relief, and after that i had a better idea of how to go about it. dieting and exercising is another way of attempting to have control over the chaotic feelings. fasting as well. a child struggling to impose some rules on itself because none of the parental rules/reactions made sense or showed any consistency whatsoever. when i gorge, what i find is that i do not want to have to be sensitive to anyone else's preferences, feelings, etc. i think about it, i carefully think about exactly what food it is i'm craving, i calculate how much it will take to 'fill' me, i eat it and then i vomit. i am in control, as much as i can be. i do not like to be disturbed with anyone else's demands, and if i can't just focus on myself, i do not enjoy the binge. when i was younger, there was just this mad consuming of everything in sight, this horrifying panic and despair. i much prefer having a modicum of control. it's necessary for me that the person i'm living with is aware of and accepts the need for the behaviour.
maybe if i hadn't the severe skin disorder/genetic defect i would have had a better chance in life. the ugliness of it was a constant source of shame and anxiety. it was just too much in addition to having irregular, not pleasing facial features, and a body too angular and awkward and heavy to be really beautiful.