disorganized
i need to feel that gk knows who i am. none of what i write means that i am mad at him, or that i don't care for him. he and i want different things in life. he knows what i want. i like being with him. he touches me, in many ways. he's thoughtful and treats me kindly. he has an amazing mind, and approaches problems in ways that impress me.
this website is really out of balance in that it doesn't acknowledge all of the people in my life who had a strong impact on me, and/or who have meant something to me. i am sorry if i have hurt anyone or treated anyone thoughtlessly or unkindly. as a person, i suck. i just don't know how to connect in the way that i want.
my birth family is made up of very unusual individuals. my experiences pulled me away from them. we went through so much.. there was so much trauma, crisis.. for all of us. i wanted to help. i did what i could. in the end, the only way to help myself was to leave. i was too empty to offer anything, and i just couldn't figure out how to speak the language. it is like we knew each other in a different life. i wish them all well.
people 'network'. it may seem people are interested in you for no reason, but it could be that part of inviting a person somewhere is to ascertain (perhaps on an unconscious level) what you might have to offer. special skills? can you babysit, design a webpage, do you know a good doctor, could you date a single relative or friend of theirs? etc.
it depends what the people you know need. do they need contacts for jobs? support in their interests and the activities of their lives? do they need financial assistance? do they need emotional support? someone to hang out with? do they need to be entertained in some way? do they need someone to look up to, someone to inspire them? etc.. some of the less 'warm and fuzzy' things that can be provided somehow get covered with layers of sentiment to diguise the actual basis of a relationship.
you can be worthwhile to others if you have no contacts and nothing tangible to offer, no outward signs of 'worth', but imo in order to be able to offer emotional support, a listening ear, or discussion, entertainment, etc, you have to have enough life skill/ties/contacts/natural ability to have acquired *something* that translates to enough emotional stability or whatever knowledge and resources are necessary to offer these things.
but then again, if you are needy, and someone can best demonstrate their particular talents and attributes by helping you, then i suppose you have value to that person, especially if you can show gratitude, if you seem happy afterward, successful, etc.
also, having no outward signs of accomplishment can be valuable in the sense that it helps the others you know to feel better about themselves and their choices. you don't threaten them or make them feel jealous, and so they can relax in your presence.
having said that.. i think most people value more highly those who are full of life, talent, beauty, intelligence, or some extraordinary quality, and find these things the most worthwhile, maybe because there is a feeling that some of it rubs off by association.
we are all taught to value kindness, compassion, understanding, and the like.. but i think often other qualities are more valued in reality, probably because the 'nicer' qualities haven't had as much to do with human survival.
do i think there is something intrinsically vile, disgusting, etc, about myself, something in me that is worse than in others, something that makes me less deserving? yes, i do at times, but if i examine it carefully, that view doesn't really make sense. what i mean is, i don't think it's something i can consciously decide to change. i'm just genetically inferior.
something weird happens which prevents me from having ongoing relationships. it's like i can't handle the stress of ongoing relationships, all the ways in which people think and communicate differently.. it's like there isn't a strong enough base to build from, there isn't enough in common to help provide motivation for dealing with the differences.
i thought i'd have some magical destiny. as a child, i kept waiting to be 'discovered' as some chosen one. or i thought i'd have some talent, do something special. i kept wanting to accomplish something at a young age..
things happened to make me think i was special. i was always being pointed out for something or other i did. i got used to the attention. it's weird living isolated from the world, and not being in any sort of position where you can get much feedback about anything. i no longer want the kind of attention i had when i was younger, but i think i need some kind of feedback and interaction that would enable me to see if i'm coming across as i think i am.
the practical thing to do would be to stay with gk for about another year at least. that way i will become a permanent australian resident. being homeless in this country will probably not be as harsh as in canada.. but i'm so wrong for gk. i'm so impatient and irritable, and i put him through so much with my moods and instability. he deserves someone more suitable. daily life is so hard for me, and as i get older, i seem to take things out on others more and more. i feel like a trapped animal, except i can't justify anything. i can't see how i could support myself. so i'm either going to be homeless or i have to kill myself. i can't see myself going through with what i'd have to go through with to get disability, or what i'd have to go through to keep it, without major help. i feel too broken, and i can't believe in it, i can't believe that the effort would be worth it. i don't want to be homeless. do i have any other choice other than killing myself? the thing is, i think i do actually want to die before too long. and i always sort of balk at the idea of doing the practical, reasonable thing.