15/04/03
dancing for me was never about discipline or structure. it was the unexpected, the unpredictable. it was also about freedom and lack of inhibition. it was about feelings that could not be contained. it occurs to me that trying to force myself to exercise, and planning choreography and all the rest has nothing to do with what dancing originally meant to me. and in front of a camera i can't see how i could avoid feeling incredibly self-conscious.
at times i want to give up on what i think i'm trying to do because of all this. i've had occasional special moments in my life when dancing alone, but maybe there's just no way i can share or ever could have shared any of it. i think what i'm currently aiming at is something different, something i hadn't imagined, and maybe it represents some of the changes i've gone through over the years, or some kind of natural progression or regression.
now that i'm older, i know that there's just no way i will be able to do the things i did when younger without major effort. years of depression, the natural aging process, etc, do have effects. what i was able to do when younger required a fairly high level of fitness, a kind of fitness that takes careful planning/monitoring, discipline and a lot of work at my current age. so even just to be ready *in case* i get the urge to *really* dance, i have to do a lot to prepare ahead of time, or my body just won't be able to do what i ask of it, and i won't be able to get out of it what i did in the past. but maybe it's not about what i could get out of it in the past, but about what i can get out of it now.
it does also occur to me that even in the spontanaeity of my earlier years, i *did* want to be more disciplined, i did want to see what i could do if i could really focus, and i did want to be seen. i don't think that nightclub dancing really counts, because i think i was too influenced by certain factors surrounding me.
sometimes i think that seeing things from too many perspectives confuses me and i find it difficult to figure out what i really want, what i value, what's important to me. i've had to accept that it seems to be my nature to lack stability. all is constantly changing on me, perspective constantly changes. and the basis may be that nothing is really important to me. but part of being me is about openness to change. sometimes when new internal facets are revealed to me, i want to explore them.
gk keeps trying to help me, and i try to help him to help me, but it just takes us both so much effort, and i think we're both running out of energy. i am filled with so much distaste for myself, and the idea of killing myself seems so appealing.
i am not waiting any more for a suicide pact or partner or whatever. i don't feel any attachment to that idea at all now. i want to put in my best effort to get as fit as i possibly can, and to try to complete the ideas i have for my new website, to put in my best possible effort to leave behind something that pleases me, but i don't think it's necessary to do that, and it may be something i'm just not capable of anyway. all things considered, i think it's something i really want to do, i'm curious about what i actually will be able to do, and it's the most genuine thing i can identify, and unless perspective changes in some extreme way, i don't think i'm betraying who i am in wanting to do it. beyond that, there is really nothing i feel i really want to do. maybe it's just another stalling tactic that originates with my survival instinct. i can try to tell myself that nothing i do matters, that nothing i do is relevant to anyone except myself, and that i'm just this pathetic hack who embarrasses everyone, including myself, but it can't seem to make me stop wanting to do this. i can tell myself it's my survival instinct trying to keep the focus off suicide, and although i can see that's probably true and in a sense i want to rage against it, it still doesn't help. so i guess for whatever reason, i'm just not ready to die yet.
i wish i had something to say tonight. it gets so tired just saying i'm lonely, i'm depressed, i want to die.