  | |
|
|
leaving bris vegas
2014: I'm trying to concentrate on reducing the number of episodes. I wouldn't say that I've been all that successful so far. 2013: I have decided to keep a record of my drinking, partly because I am alarmed at how much I drink, and partly because I am finding it difficult to stop. In December 2012, aside from New Year's Eve, I wasn't drinking. Since the start of 2013, I've been trying without success to give up alcohol for an extended period (not forever.) I had sometimes managed to go without alcohol for a week or two here and there, but it wasn't until the end of April 2013 that I had my most successful run: 9 weeks alcohol-free. After that, I slowly started drinking again, and as of August 2013 am trying to stop again. The wish to die doesn't just disappear. After my last attempt to do something about this, when I booked a hotel room on the 26th floor and then didn't jump, I haven't exactly found a new lease on life. It's more like I'm going for the slow, stupid option of drinking myself to death. I use the word stupid because drinking might lead to health complications that further reduce my quality of life, or it's possible I am some kind of genetic freak who might live as long as other people who don't drink, while drinking amounts pseudonews stories say are not supportable for very long. On the plus side, I am not plagued by the urge to binge on food. When I stop drinking, or alcohol is not available, yes, I suppose I have the urge to binge, but first it goes to an urge to consume caffeine, and then only reluctantly to an urge to binge. And usually I concoct some plan such that I will drink again rather than bother to b/p. What I think this means is that I have probably been, in a sense, an alcoholic/addict since the age of 13, even though it was decades before I began drinking even semi-regularly. In spite of my drinking, in 2011 I logged 280 hours of exercise. 2012 wasn't as good: I only managed 95. But it does seem to me, because I have kept track over the years, that there is something that keeps drawing me back to exercise. There have been a lot of years with 300+ hours. 2012 was a slow year, and it seems that 2013 will be, too. I'm at a stage where I no longer worry about what I'm going to do drunk. If I check emails I've sent, or messages I have posted to online forums the next day, I tend to think: that sounds like me. I do spend a lot of time writing stuff that is never shared with anyone, but I don't think there's anything ridiculous or shocking there, it's more that it would probably bore people. I am not sure how long my body will hold up to the abuse I am inflicting upon it. I don't know if there is something programmed that will always ensure I will do enough to compensate, such that I could turn things around in a relatively short period of time. Right now, I think there's no sense in trying to physically make myself into something someone would find attractive. I'm not seeking sex itself for its own sake. What I want is connection. Maybe it's necessary to start from a place where there is initial attraction, and that can't occur without certain physical characteristics or a certain minimum of attractiveness. Since it is unlikely I can maintain that standard indefinitely, it seems like it makes sense to admit up front that it will only be for a moment, and that it probably won't be long before I turn back into a pumpkin. And still I am drawn to the idea of transformation, and at least occasionally aim for a kind of ultimate (for me) fitness. Can I realistically walk away? Decide I will never bother to work out again? That I will just keep drinking until I die? It seems unlikely. For further elaboration on my relationship with alcohol, click [here]. ->exile on meme st: a diary ->xesce.net  |
|