note: the mountains in this image are from a scanned in photo from a travel magazine. i had written previously in my diary that because i wasn't capable of travelling (or even leaving the house), i was 'travelling' in the only way i could by working with travel photos, adding myself to the picture and processing. however, this is one image in which the mountains may bear enough resemblance to the original photo that this image is an infringement of copyright. i like this image, and would like to keep it in my diary because i think it captured something relevant to what i was feeling at the time. however, i will remove this image if i receive a complaint, or i will provide due credit if i learn the photographer's name.
once upon a time, in a land far, far away...
er... that's all i've got so far. hoping to add to this entry later on.
ok, it's later now. explanation. the other day, i actually had a good day. i walked around a lot, and it wasn't horrible, i sort of liked it. part of what i did was buy drugs. just legal stuff. i wish i could try other drugs, but i have to make do regarding my personal difficulties. so i bought alcohol, coffee (espresso), chocolate and coca-cola. i've also bought two domino's pizzas, which i received a special voucher for in my mail, but they are more filler than actual drugs. i'm sorta drunk right now, and am sorta aiming to see how long it will last. my chocolate supply consists of a 250g block of chocolate with hazelnuts in it, coffee fudge from michel's patisserie and tia maria-flavoured timtams. it's a new flavour of timtams, and i guess i just sort of wanted to try them. i also have macadamia shortbread biscuits, which are totally awesome, but not chocolate. anyway, i expect to have a few days of excess. just a sample of what i've got:
[05/02/05: the above seems so long ago. i haven't had a good day in a long time, but even that one seems a little sad to me, because i was so alone, and the good part was just related to buying 'drugs' that would only lead to further isolation.]
more in a bit...
[later] woohoo, i am way more drunk now. it feels nice.
i hate how fucking prissy i am. i can't seem to eradicate it from my writing, or anything altogether. but i'm sick of my cringing behaviour, so fuck it. i'm thinking that if i don't pass out, this may end up being the longest diary entry i've ever put up. do i think anyone will read it? haha. anyway, there should be lots of pictures. while i'm here, i want to apologize for not replying to emails. i just can't. i need time on my own. when i'm emailing, something weird happens, and it's hard to express anything genuinely or completely enough. for now, i think i need time. maybe forever. there are so many ways of experiencing life, and maybe my way is just right for me. but i appreciate the emails. very much.
i'll solve the mystery of the text in the first photo. it's just lyrics to b-movie's 'nowhere girl' in code:
'nowhere girl, in self-imposed exile'
'every day, every night, in that old familiar light'
my current place reminds me of a hotel. it's not personal. it is tidy and clean. before i moved out of the house and into my own apartment, i bought some furniture that i didn't take with me. i really liked it, but didn't think it fit in the new place. i thought it went well in gk's house, but i guess i just liked it. i used 'my' money to buy it. but i don't really think of any money as my money. gk gave me some money, and i feel grateful, but i haven't earned any money, and it's not like i think anyone owes me anything. but i am glad to have the money. ok, here's what i bought:
i didn't buy the chest on the right - gk bought that for me previously, and i liked it a lot.
actually, gk bought this coffee table, but wouldn't have without me asking him to do it.
here's another example of the house-painting i did in february this year. (gk bought the table and chairs previously.) for a refresher, refer to: this previous entry. to see the old colour, check out: this old entry. the painting on the right is aboriginal artwork. ["women's dreaming and snake dreaming" by helen nakamarra long.]
there's another photo of a thorny devil elsewhere in this site, but this photo's a bit different. also, the thorny devil is resting in my hand this time. the lines on the inside of my hands are very deep, and it's something i've always been very self-conscious about. it's related to my skin condition... anyway, thorny devils aren't exceptionally active. i learned that to pick one up, you put your fingers on its sides, between thorns. it's not difficult at all.
(yes, i'm, still drunk. i'll write more in a while if i don't pass out.)
[later] i fell asleep, but i seem to be picking up where i left off. so i might keep adding stuff to this entry. i feel embarrassed, the way i always do after drinking. but what the hell. ok, so i will probably add more later.
it's later again. for now, extra photos. i'll try to add commentary later. i'm very, very drunk.
gk sent me a photo just before i left for the airport that first time, so it would be easier to spot him. he put on the clothes he would be wearing. i spotted him first... what i've done here is just represent the idea of recognizing someone from a distance, before everything comes into focus...
am i thinking i made a mistake, do i want to get back together with gk? that's difficult. i don't think i made a mistake in moving out. i needed to do something different. i do miss him. i'll try to comment more later, and more on the photos below, when i'm even drunker...
a facet of my personality that kind of takes me by surprise when i see it in photos.
there's such a feeling of peace in this photo. and sometimes, i do feel this.
this photo amuses me for some reason. ok, yes, my comments are hopeless. i'll try to flesh things out later. if i can, if i don't pass out. maybe this is totally offensive, shows i'm unable to see past stereotypes, but i find myself wishing i had gay male friends to help me with my hair, makeup and clothes and stuff. or that i had a transvestite male friend who was very shy, and i could go out and buy clothes and makeup for him. i remember dressing up one of my brothers and also peter as women, and it was sort of fun. but that was a long time ago. sometimes i wish i had female friends. i think that's partly why i like watching sex in the city. but i'm not as picky or cool as them. right now, i'm waiting for the l-word to come on... i would say that currently it's my favourite thing to watch on tv. but i love watching movies. movies are my favourite.
do i even seem drunk at all? anyway, it's later again, and i'm still drinking. i guess often when people are drunk they tell their secrets. i'm not sure what secrets i have to tell that anyone would really absorb. i don't currently have any romantic secrets. i don't feel attached or obsessed. i don't feel more or less hopeful than before based on my experiences. i just don't know. i seem to be oriented in a different way at the moment. i seem to want to finally work on the ideas i've had for a new website. i want to move past all of this extra stuff i've been doing. not that i want to denigrate what i've been doing. (what i mean for example is all the extra little things i've been putting here in this 'diary'.) maybe it's sort of like practice or preparation.
when i left home at 21, i wanted to be a dancer. it seemed very unrealistic, and i couldn't admit it to anyone. i tried to be practical. i said i wanted to teach fitness. aside from the fact that my personality wasn't suited to that, and i couldn't stay in shape consistently, i don't think it was what i really wanted to do. ok, so i'll admit that if i can work on my dance ideas, and film myself, that i will feel like i accomplished what i wanted to all those years ago. i left on a greyhound in the middle of the night from toronto to vancouver with a red carnation peter had given me in my buttonhole. my plan was to get a place and a job, any job, and take dance lessons and save up for plastic surgery. and if i couldn't manage that, i'd kill myself. that was the plan. it's weird how things go, the twists and turns that life takes.
anyway. if i could concentrate long enough. to try to film myself dancing. it doesn't have to be perfect. and after all this time, i'm not sure i can do much. i have no experience with video camera filming. i'm getting older. but if i could do my best, and capture my dancing on film, the best i can manage considering whatever skills i have, then i think i would be pleased. i think that considering my body, i will probably need to be around 95 lbs or less, and very fit. since living here, i've only logged about 20-30 hours of exercise. i think i will need to do that much a week for a couple of months before i feel confident enough to try to film myself.
the other thing i want to try to do is travel a little. one snag there is that i need a new passport. it will be difficult to get a new passport, because i need to come up with two people who are willing to say they've known me for at least two years. people who aren't family members (gk). i've lived so isolated that this is a real problem.
i am perfectly willing to die at any time. but realistically, i don't seem ready to cope with the details, so these other two things are something to focus on for now.
so believe it or not, that's the dirt.
gk and i haven't spoken or written for more than 11 days now. in the 5 years we've known each other, that's the longest we've gone without any contact. but maybe like jamie gk will have to reach out to life, and leave me behind. i'm too destructive, too negative. he will have to save himself.
sometimes, i want him to take care of me again. but it all seems so unfair to him, and it feels so unfair that i don't think it's realistic i could cope with it, even if he wanted it. and meanwhile, i still long for some kind of connection i've never experienced.
i don't know. i guess i just want to try to get my new website together, then travel a bit, and kill myself somehow. that's kind of how my thought processes are working. and it doesn't seem sad to me. it's like i think i'd be happy with that.
i still have alcohol left! so maybe there's still a chance i can be less rigid somehow. so maybe there will be more later.
when gk and i went to kangaroo island, we borrowed his mother's car. it broke down near a place that i think was french for something like 'the ends of the earth'. the strange thing was that every single car that passed us stopped to inquire if they could help. we ended up waiting most of the day, because there was only one towtruck operational on the island that day.
i thought this cemetery was cool.
last year, after not going outside for a long time, twice in two days people told me i looked like alanis morissette. one person was a middle-aged woman, the other a teenaged male. i'm thinking that this is the angle they saw me from?
i am drunk and trying to prolong it as long as possible. i may still add more before long.
this is one of the very first photos of me and gk as a couple. it was taken in december 1999. i was so self-conscious when i met him. i had shaved my head 10 months previously, and had sort of gone back to a 'natural' look. this is how much hair had grown back, and i had trimmed my bangs a little. i was still wanting to be more extreme, but i didn't have the courage yet. my wardrobe was mostly black, though, and gk seemed to find it somewhat amusing to have so much black clothing hanging on his clothesline on washing day.
i'm awake again, a bit hungover, but not too bad. there's no alcohol left, but i still have coffee and chocolate for today. i'm hoping i will get that high feeling... anyway. i guess i'm very lonely, and this entry is just about trying to pass the time more easily. it's not difficult to stick photos in here and write a couple of words here and there, at least it hasn't been difficult for the last couple of days, but it does take a bit of time. it's not something i could do all the time, though. i was sort of curious to see what would happen if i got extremely drunk. i was scared, but it looks like getting drunk just made me a bit chatty. it's a bit disappointing to think that if i have any 'deep thoughts' at all, i may never be able to access them.. and now i want to laugh at myself. ok, another photo. this one's from the computer wedding album gk and i made. it was us making fun. we had never meant to see our marriage as a real marriage. and i know that on my part, i put people through a lot. the link on the cover of the wedding album read 'happily ever after'. here's the photo already:
[01/01/05: rereading my words in this entry i find myself repulsive. i want to go back and change things, and say i don't really think certain ways, or the words i've chosen in drunkenness obscure important things, in part because even drunk i'm repressing, and i think it causes things to come out weirdly. but if it's not that, if i'm just repulsive, if i can see it and don't like it, shouldn't it be possible to change what i don't like? and i think all my life i've continued to try to do that, and somehow there is just so much that still continues to come out in ways i don't like and don't feel i relate to.
even when you have access to people on a regular basis, it can be difficult to know how they take things, what offends them or hurts them, or to what extent they relate to you, sympathize with or like you. and maybe all of that fluctuates. not having much contact with people (understatement) i sometimes wonder if people are trying to give me subtle hints about my inconsistencies or hypocrisy, want me to figure it out on my own, or if what they're hinting at is something else entirely, like: they understand my approach to marriage or know what it represents to me, feel pretty isolated internally and are maybe hoping i'll work on my stuff.
anyway. i wrote out an email to someone a few days ago. it felt necessary to me to make some attempt to put certain thoughts where i could see them. it wasn't enough, it was watered down, simplified, and maybe the important parts didn't get through. and even though i think of it as not enough, it probably comes across as way too much. so i decided not to send it. but i didn't delete it. yesterday, new year's eve, i was rereading it and had the thought that if i got drunk, i might send it later. so i decided to take responsibility for it. but rather than delete it, i sent it.
and then i got drunk.]
[later: my email was returned undeliverable.]